New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is signing a proclamation today naming famous sobbing four-year-old Jesse Koczon Honorary Governor of New Jersey. "Honorary"? He wants the real job, Sandwiches! At least let him decapitate a few dozen unionized teachers.

Do you, the average Republican presidential primary voter, have any interest in knowing how Mike Huckabee spent his long career as Governor of Arkansas? He would be the frontrunner if he even bothers running, after all, and the public must know every terrible, terrible thing about him. For example: Was he picking weird fights with Natalie Portman back then, too? Perhaps you can think of some other questions. But they won't get answered, because Mike Huckabee cleaned and "physically destroyed" the hard drives of all his staff computers when he left office.

The federal government is intervening in the great labor mural crisis of Maine, where snippy Tea Party Gov. Paul LePage ordered a 36-foot mural of the state's labor history removed the state's Department of Labor because a couple of businessmen didn't like it.

Running for president is perhaps the most surefire way to destroy your family life and depress your close relatives forever. Just imagine if your spouse came in and said, "I've decided I want to run for president." Does anyone ever react positively to this announcement? "Oh great THANKS A LOT, FUCKO," seems like the appropriate response. Because within 24 hours, the national news will find and play that S&M porno you shot in college, on repeat. "Does America want a president," the news anchor will say, "whose spouse is a whore?"

Former Louisiana Gov. Buddy Roemer will apparently run for president! Sure, why not? He's most famous for losing a gubernatorial primary to white supremacist monster David Duke in 1991, as an incumbent. Speaking of Duke, why isn't he running?

It's been a little while since we last checked in on the good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, but he's suddenly become the most popular Republican in the country! And all it took was a few choreographed YouTubes of him screaming at teachers' unions, with his sleeves rolled up (crucially). So why won't he run for president already? Republican operatives, who hate all of the other candidates, demand it.

Andrew Cuomo likes "fixing up old muscle cars" and going to Jon Bon Jovi concerts.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has won over many fans with his bold technique of yelling at people — teachers, lady-harassers, etc. — and uploading clips of these to YouTube. But are his would-be victims catching on to this gimmick?

Here's the latest horror story about Texas' justice system, where the same tale never ceases to shock: A convicted murderer executed in 2000, after being denied a crucial last-minute DNA test by Gov. George W. Bush, may have been innocent.

Because he yells at unions a lot, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is considered a leading presidential candidate for the next 5-6 elections. So what does this jolly galoot think about, say, climate change? He loves all of the arguments!

Former New York Gov. George Pataki, whom 3-4 people in the country remember, is "looking at" a possible presidential run.

Tomorrow's election map looks much like 2006's, but with the parties reversed: the ruling party will probably lose the House, possibly lose the Senate, and probably win a California gubernatorial election for consolation. Here's a preview.

Human Halloween costume Carl Paladino, New York's Republican gubernatorial candidate, will lose to Andrew Cuomo by a full 100 percentage points tomorrow. So why shouldn't he just go nuts at a Buffalo bar on Halloween weekend?

Bill Clinton is some kind of backroom operative for the Democrats, it seems, following the overnight revelation that he asked Democratic Florida senatorial candidate Kendrick Meek to drop out and support independent Charlie Crist. Why didn't Meek listen?

Frank Caprio, a Democrat, is in a tight three-way race for governor of Rhode Island. A White House endorsement could help! But after the White House made clear that Barack Obama wouldn't endorse anyone, Caprio told him to "shove it."

California gubernatorial candidate and average mom Meg Whitman has spent $140+ million of her own money to... still be trailing Jerry Brown a week before election day. And here, in her last commercial, she concedes that no one likes her.

Somehow-alive Hustler publisher Larry Flynt has seen New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's many porn emails, approved, and offered him the job of executive editor at his magazine. Will Paladino accept, and bring more breast-milk fetish shots to Hustler?

The conservative New York Post tabloid, with a deep sigh of defeat, has endorsed Democratic scion Andrew Cuomo over Republican gay club kingpin Carl Paladino in the New York gubernatorial race. Was it something Paladino said?

Poor Illinois Green Party gubernatorial candidate Rich Whitney, the victim of an extremely cartoonish "error:" His name has been misspelled as "Rich Whitey" on voting machines in nearly two dozen Chicago wards, half of them "predominantly African-American."

California is a debt-enslaved failed state. So what else should the two gubernatorial candidates, Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman, debate about besides the semantics of the word "whore"? When is "whore" appropriate? Let's find out.