In one of the most simultaneously bleak and fawning ten minutes of television I have ever seen, former candidate for Vice President of the United States and current off-brand Fox News (OAN) personality Sarah Palin interviewed everyone’s favorite screaming steamed carrot, Donald Trump.

After weeks of GOP candidates pandering to the anti-Planned Parenthood masses, it looks like the one man who should know better re:fetal tissue donations—famed ex-neurosurgeon Ben Carson—actually does know better. Or at least, he did back in 1992 when he did his own research on 17-week fetal tissue. But, according to Carson, that was different.

Louisiana’s Republican governor, Bobby Jindal, told Fox and Friends Friday morning that he’s suspending his presidential campaign in light of the shooting that killed three and injured nine Thursday night at a movie theater in his home state.

Yesterday, the Oklahoma Republican Party posted a message on Facebook comparing America’s food stamp receipts—almost half of whom are children—to wild animals dependent on handouts.

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, the chosen candidate of the billionaire Koch Bros., officially entered the race for the 2016 presidential nomination Monday morning. Walker narrowly survived a recall election in 2012 after forcing through anti-union legislation, and is famous for gutting his state’s public education funding.

On Friday, the Los Angeles Times reports, a campaign aide, who last fall accused Republican congressional candidate Carl DeMaio of sexually harassing him, admitted in federal court that he lied about receiving anonymous emails threatening him not to speak about his time with DeMaio’s campaign.

Some competitors thrive on being the underdog. Some find humor and vigor in humiliating setbacks. And some are just glass-jawed failure artists, their piled losses more befitting than any theoretical small victory. Rick Santorum is the latter, having reached mediocrity’s apogee while eating lunch alone on Monday.

People forget today that George W. Bush first ran for president as a “compassionate conservative” because it was novel to do so: Most conservatives openly acknowledged that they were pricks by 2000. Like George’s brother Jeb, who wrote in 1995 of wanting society to attach a “sense of ridicule” to single parenting.

Did you go to a fratty mid-Atlantic college in the late ’90s, have a Bob Marley blacklight poster, and squee to MTV Party to Go Platinum Remix while drinking Red Stripe at parties? Congratulations, Dawson! You know as much about rap as Marco Rubio, Fox News rap correspondent.

The news broke in time for South Floridians to read it on their phones while stopped for a frigging accident on the frigging Golden Glades just a couple frigging blocks from work. Marco Rubio, their senator and beige Buick-steering soulmate, is as shitty a driver as them. His wife is even worse:

Rick Perry’s presidential campaign launched today on the premise that you don’t need to be able to count to three as long as you can push the red button. But amid his militaristic orgy of self-praise, dumb media people had a dumb media argument about the emo twins flanking Perry. Caitlyn Jenner was involved.

He’s in! He’s got a website where he flaunts his geeker glasses and salutes a lot. Presumably he’s been working on his mnemonics, but hopefully not. Oh, happy day. Happy happy day. 2016, brothers. We will ride through the gates of Valhalla shiny and chrome. Witness me!

The federal judge who will arraign Republican ex-House speaker Dennis Hastert Thursday has deep Illinois GOP connections and contributed twice to Hastert’s campaigns while working as a lawyer in the same firm where Hastert’s son works. You know what, Chicago political machine? You’ve changed, man.

After feds announced indictments against ex-House speaker Dennis Hastert yesterday for illegally funneling $3.5 million to an unnamed person from his past as a high-school wrestling coach, an obvious question lingered: What was the cash for? For covering up male-on-male sexual abuse, naturellement.

Faithful Gawker readers and generally literate Americans already know Marco Rubio is a mouth-breathing spoiled moron who will not be president. But do they know the glorious ways in which he illustrated his crass ineptitude and cynicism this week? Let us count them:

A lot of people in the United States don't know anything about soon-to-be ex-senator Marco Rubio of Florida, which means he theoretically still has a chance to be president, the same way the Philadelphia Phillies can still theoretically win this year's pennant. It will not last, and it will never have been realistic.

Or an upside-down American flag teardrop. Either way, God bless the U.S.A. and her patriotic defenders!

Missouri Auditor Tom Schweich, one the leading Republican candidates for governor of the state, died in a St. Louis hospital on Thursday after shooting himself in his home, the Associated Press reports.

On Tuesday, the New York State Republican Party published the above Fifty Shades of Grey parody on their website, ostensibly to say something about how Bill de Blasio is a lady that Al Sharpton ties up and fucks.

Just one day after Time announced his appointment as Jeb Bush's Chief Technology Officer, Hipster.com co-founder Ethan Czahor resigned from the position over ugly comments about "sluts" and black parents.