Well holy prize-winning cow: Minnesota Congresswoman and downgrade instigator Michele Bachmann did it, she won the GOP straw poll in Iowa. Time to fry up your butter stix and celebrate/beckon death's call!

Violence Alert! CNN's Don Lemon says he tried to ask GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann some questions after she speechified to the corn dog-munching masses at the Iowa State Fair, but was shoved by Marcus Bachmann and two campaign aides.

There were too many terrible parts of last night's Republican debate in Iowa. For example: Any time Tim Pawlenty did anything. But the worst, and definitely most dangerous, was when all eight contenders joined forces to be terrible together and promise to never raise taxes one cent, even if it came in a deal that gave them everything they wanted.

All of the candidates, except soon-to-be candidate Rick Perry, are in Ames, Iowa for tonight's Republican debate! Oh wait, neither are Gary Johnson or Thaddeus McCotter or the other loser, Buddy something, or the gay guy. But the others, they're there! So grab your Iowa State Fair fried butter stick and turn on America's channel, Fox News. The future starts below.

Add Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour to the list of GOP pols that Fox News CEO Roger Ailes schmoozes with. According to records obtained by Gawker under the Mississippi Public Records Act, Barbour met with Ailes at News Corporation's New York headquarters for an hour on October 14, 2010—just three weeks before the midterm elections in which Barbour played a major role.

Long-form commercial star and potential presidential candidate Sarah Palin appears on the cover of the upcoming Newsweek wearing her favorite comfy sweatshirt. It's not a Real-American sweatshirt, because it lacks an American flag applique—but hey, let's not fuss! Fussing over fashion is elitist.

All-around American girl Michele Bachmann hates on Medicaid because it helps poor people, and that's socialism. Yet since 2005, her husband has accepted $137,000 in Medicaid funds to "quality Christian-counsel" people so they don't become gay barbarians, as NBC has discovered.

What should have been just another interminable conversation between two mind-boggling A-holes took an intriguing turn down Rainbow Alley last night, when Fox News host (and self-loathing Gleek) Glenn Beck accidentally blurted out, "I could kiss you in the mouth" to Rick Santorum on Thursday's show. (It was in response to Santorum saying that he'd signed the "Cut, Cap and Balance" pledge, which is apparently the fiscal conservative equivalent of announcing, "I just scored a pair of Lady Gaga floor seats!")

Rand Paul's dad beat all the other Republican presidential candidates in today's demonstration of RLC democracy. The rest, in order: the mystical hunter, Crazy Eyes, Pizza Mogul, Mittens, The Vacationer, Sarah Palin, Matching-Doll Dad, and the Googler. [Image via AP]

Every time Sen. Rick Santorum mentions his presidential run, something ominous happens. This morning, a balloon spontaneously exploded while Santorum was yammering about his plan for Medicare. Then, while announcing his candidacy this afternoon, an onlooker collapsed a couple feet away from Santorum's podium. Next, Rick Santorum will summon plagues of locust and lice to announce how he will deal with the debt ceiling. [ABC News]

Fox News chief Roger Ailes has been actively trying to recruit New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie to run for president, according to New York magazine's Gabriel Sherman. Because that's just what newsmen do. It's in their blood.

The Associated Press has huffily declined to cover tonight's Fox News Channel GOP "debate" in South Carolina on the grounds that Fox won't let it take photographs during the debate—only before and after. But it does cover presidential addresses under precisely the same conditions.

Orange County, California, GOP official Marilyn Davenport — who last month sent around an email with a family photo depicting President Obama as a chimpanzee — was censured yesterday by her colleagues in a 12-2 vote, which basically means nothing. State law says her racist emailing ways are not enough to get her shitcanned, so they went with a wrist slap that's most likely a Tea Party™ badge of honor, anyway. Orange County GOP honcho Scott Baugh told the OC Register:

Barack Obama was definitely born in Hawaii. How do we know this is true? Because CNN says so. "Period." The network traveled to the state where Obama was allegedly born in 1961 and spoke with Dr. Chiyome Fukino ("a former director of the Hawaii Department of Health and a Republican") who said Obama's live birth certificate is legit, and that "he was absolutely born here in the state of Hawaii." A Republican even says so. Case closed.

Orange County, California Tea Party Patriot™ Marilyn Davenport, who last week found herself in hot water after forwarding a picture of President Obama's face superimposed on the body of a chimp in an email to friends, has felt the GOP arm-twisting and decided to apologize:

Former Senator Alan Simpson (R-WY) appeared on Hardball tonight, and used the opportunity to rail against social conservatives giving the Republican party a bad name. He first took them to task for pro-life legislation ("Who the hell is for abortion?...They're hideous, but they're a deeply intimate and personal decision, and I don't think men legislators should even vote on the issue"), then aimed his sights on anti-gay forces, singling out another former Senator, Rick Santorum (R-PA), by name.

On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart—during an "Indecision 2012" segment—opened with discussion of potential Republican presidential candidates for 2012 and the need for them to desperately appeal to what amounts to a pretty ridiculous base of voters.

Georgia Republican Rep. Bobby Franklin thinks miscarriages are actually secret murders and that paper money is a fraud. And he gets a lot of support for those positions. In fact, according to his home answering machine, everyone who calls him is a supporter!

On tonight's Real Time, Bill Maher declared that Republicans believe in "being against everything [Obama] is for" and "must nominate for 2012 a man who is the exact opposite of Obama." He even created one for them! Meet Karab Amabo.

Five Republican congressmen, including comical troglodyte Louie "Terror Babies" Gohmert, are seeking to bar workers who go on strike—and their families—from getting food stamps. Because why should the children of lousy strikers get food?