Wonder of wonders! Prominent republican and former presidential candidate John McCain has come forward and said something almost entirely sensible about the contraception debate.
Last night's white glower rally in Michigan was supposed to tell us something novel and important, instead of mumbling vague phrases we've heard before. This time, we thought, a GOP primary vote would be decisive, recasting the narrative for the future, solidifying positions and increasing momentum.
WASHINGTON, D.C.— Samuel Wurzelbacher, otherwise known as "Joe the Plumber," is still plumbing. He is running for Congress as a Republican in Ohio's Ninth District—Dennis Kucinich's turf—but he is also still plumbing. He just did a job for a friend two weeks ago. He says he will plumb for life.
We are all, by now, familiar with the mantra, "elections have consequences." This is especially true tonight. It also kind of doesn't apply whatsoever.
Fearful that Santorum might do better than expected in some upcoming primaries, the Romney campaign is sending out surrogates to attack the former senator's conservative credentials. The thing is, though... they're attacking him for trying to fund things that sound really nice and pleasant. And fluffy. The Huffington Post reports that Romney supporter Tim Pawlenty participated in a conference call today.
There are the GOP debate moments everyone talks about and we all remember: Romney's $10,000 bet, Newt being indignant about a Juan Williams question, Romney saying "I'm running for office for Pete's sake," Newt being indignant about a John King question, Cain introducing us to 9-9-9, Newt being indignant about a Chris Wallace Question, etc. Then, there is perhaps the most well known debate moment, Rick Perry's "Oops." But, lost among these is something very important that Ron Paul did. Fortunately — or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it — Ron Paul's moment has been completely overlooked because it happened during Rick Perry's famous "Oops" moment. What did Ron Paul do? He held up his hand like a claw and said "Five." Remember? Watch his creepy claw hand.
Corporate whore Ben Stein, who claims to be an economist but is really a commercial actor with an undergraduate degree in economics, has sued Japanese electronics firm Kyocera for violating his "freedom of religion" by not hiring him as a pitchman because he denies the reality of global warming. This man lives his Republican values to the hilt.
For those of you who keep track of America's conservative family-values Republicans who are caught doing sexy gay things, here's a new name to add to your lists: Southaven, Mississippi mayor and failed Congressional candidate Greg Davis, who allegedly billed taxpayers $67 for purchases at a Canadian gay sex shop called Priape.
Koch-head Wisconsin governor Scott Walker's primary achievement during his first year in office: Inspiring a hundreds of thousands of citizens to protest him. It makes him look so bad! Now he wants to charge all those picketing Poors a fee every time they engage in some First Amendment-protected activity that involves showing how much they hate him.
Hyperactive pepperoni stick Herman Cain just emerged from his big-ass tour bus, theme song playing and teensy wife by his side, to take to a rental podium and announce that he's suspending his presidential campaign. You all distracted him with your accusations about affairs and leg-touching moments too much!
That's it, folks! Roll up the circus tents and pack up the wagons: The nationwide search for a foe worthy enough to do battle with President Obama in the 2012 presidential election is finally over. The nominee is Newt Gingrich. It's done! Over. Kaput. Newt said as much to ABC News's Jake Tapper this afternoon:
Before yesterday's Battle of Spartanburg—aka "another goddamn Republican presidential debate"—Michele Bachmann's campaign intercepted a terrible email from a CBS staffer stating that Bachmann wouldn't be asked as many questions as the other clownidates because she's polling at four percent and will lose. Vulgarity ensued.
