Hark! The Fox News Channel hath graciously saved us Americans from the pain and weariness of another Republican presidential debate. The Fox News Channel is not always a kindly god, but when it deigns to give, its treasures are bountiful.

Donald Trump does not play by the rules, whether it comes to finance, marriage, and the general standards of human decency. Why, then, would we expect him to obey the rules of a presidential debate?

Greetings from Conservative Political Action Conference, the nation’s premiere conservative meeting place for politicians hawking books and young Republicans looking to have a good time. What better place could there be from which to cover tonight’s GOP debate, live from Detroit? Ostensibly Detroit, but that’s a lot further away and frankly I doubt we’d get credentials anyway.

Tonight’s going to be weird. In one corner, we have Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and Ben Carson engaging in an ostensibly civil “town hall” on CNN (the other three get their shot tomorrow night). In the other corner, Donald Trump and Joe Scarborough will be doing... something. Either way, we’ll be liveblogging every last second of it.

At the Republican debate on Saturday, Donald Trump declared, “I’m the only one on this stage that said: ‘Do not go into Iraq. Do not attack Iraq.’ Nobody else on this stage said that. And I said it loud and strong.” This is—as the man himself might say—a big fat lie.

Ben Carson made a lot of questionable decisions tonight (showing up at all, to name one). His biggest mistake, though, was the active choice to end the evening with a quote from Joseph Stalin—one that was, of course, a complete lie.

Right off the bat at tonight’s GOP debate, the six remaining candidates got hit with questions about recently deceased Antonin Scalia and Obama’s promise to—well, do his job. While each of the responses was off in its own, special way, Cruz’s was absolute masterpiece of bullshit. And moderator John Dickerson burned the hell out of him for it.

It’s a big night for firsts—mostly in terms of Ben Carson’s little pre-show nap. But now, Jeb just got what might have been his very first Trump own of the election.

After starting off with the most perfect entrance possible, it looks like the candidates have finally gotten their shit together. Or at the very least, Chris Christie has, because he just tore Marco Rubio to shreds.

In what we can only hope was a sign of what’s to come, the ABC GOP debate kicked off with the most bizarre candidate walk-out any of us will likely ever see. Ben Carson appeared to refuse to go on stage, the moderators literally forgot about John Kasich, and both Carson and Trump had to eventually be begged before finally shuffling out from the shadows. This candidate clusterfuck alone almost makes the entire, terrible election worth it.

At the end of tonight’s Trump-less GOP debate, the candidates played the customary “wander around the stage and pretend you actually like each other” game. But apparently, even when they’re just pretending, the candidates still can’t bring themselves to stomach Ted Cruz.

Right now, Fox News is airing the last GOP debate before the Iowa caucuses on February 1. And for the first time in our roughly 78 GOP primary debates, Donald Trump is nowhere to be seen, meaning that tonight’s theme is tear apart Ted Cruz. And we’re liveblogging every last gory detail.

Tonight’s Fox News Republican debate is co-sponsored by Google, and the moderators have repeatedly instructed viewers to “go to Google and search Fox News Debate,” in order to vote for the candidate you thought won. If you do that, you see this sponsored result.

Donald Trump’s last-minute, “wounded warrior”-benefiting rally is finally (?) here, featuring special guests Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, and of course—Donald Trump’s beloved veterans. It’s going to be a beautiful mess.

Tonight at 9 p.m. EST, every GOP candidate who is not a[n openly] narcissistic, insolent infant will be debating on the Fox News stage for the one thousandth time. Also at 9 p.m., Donald Trump will be offering counter programming in the form of his very own, hastily assembled “Fuck You Fox News” rally. Who will win? Trick question—tonight, we all lose.

Chris Christie, who has nothing substantive to say and nothing left to lose, interrupted Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz debating tax policy, to finally let his Jersey out. “You had your chance, Marco,” he said, boxing out the senator from Florida. “Ya blew it.”

During an otherwise unremarkable response to a question about Second Amendment rights at tonight’s debate, Donald Trump revealed one major flaw in his plan to be President: He has absolutely no idea how the government works.

Tonight at 9 p.m., a mere seven (!) GOP candidates will take the stage in South Carolina to scream at each other en masse for the first time in 2016. And we’ll be liveblogging the whole damn thing.

On Tuesday, Ben Carson said he spoke to Reince Pubis. Pubis—a plump, humanoid Jedi Master with dark red hair, and an affable scholar of Jedi history—should not be confused with Reinhold Richard “Reince” Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee.

In the midst of an incoherent and incorrect rant on the recent history of mobile technology, failed technology executive Carly Fiorina recounted an apparently true story about how she helped the NSA after 9/11. Actually, it turns out that story may have been classified.