Just FYI, watch out if you go walking around Maine, because gross pinchy underwater spider monsters are practically overrunning the entire coastline like an army sent from hell to destroy humanity, with claws. The time for hope is past.

California, the doomed and sun-scorched absurdity ruled by Bloods, Crips, Mickey Mouse, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, will sink into the thirsty lips of the merciless ocean by century's end, according to scientists. The time to flee is now.

A government climate report released yesterday confirms what we all guessed when we spent St. Patrick's Day sunning in our bikinis. Earth's hottest new club is America.

The person or persons behind the so-called "Climategate" email hack two years ago are at it again: A second trove of roughly 5,000 emails to and from climate researchers at Norwich, England's East Anglia University has popped up on the internet.

Do you sometimes wish you could shrink your pet crocodile just a little, to make it less frightening and threatening to your family's safety? Sadly, you'll have to make do with your oversized pet for now, but the Americans of the future (if there is a future, ha!) might enjoy smaller crocodiles and other cold-blooded pets thanks to global warming (which isn't actually real).

In case you haven't noticed, it's been a really hot summer. But that didn't stop Rush Limbaugh from declaring the heat index a government-created liberal fallacy, or prevent the esteemed hosts of Fox & Friends from suggesting Nickelodeon is using SpongeBob Squarepants to indoctrinate children to believe in that whole global warming "hoax." And while most people with half a brain laughed at them, Stephen Colbert used tonight's Report to defend his science-hating friends. Video of Colbert's segment is above.

The human buoys over at Fox News' morning brain drain Fox & Friends were doing a little of this earlier today and discussing an educational video shown to kids by the Department of Education in which beloved character SpongeBob Squarepants learns about human-made global warming.

What's worse for the environment than an air conditioner? Your goddamn cable box, that's what. Watching TV these days is basically like doing whippets around a styrofoam bonfire in Yellowstone National Park. From the Times:

Mitt Romney was a bad Republican last week. We'll tell you what he did, but first, send your children into the other room. Ready? He gave a big old bear hug to Science, by casually acknowledging that climate change may exist and humans may play some role in that. This is a calamitous "gaffe," and now everyone else in the GOP is trying to destroy him anew.

Republican Congressman and former friend of the Taliban Dana Rohrabacher has an idea for curbing global warming: Gut the world's rainforests of old and decaying trees, because greenhouse gasses are "generated by nature itself." The California Representative thinks this whole idea of manmade global warming is bullshit, and wants to have developing countries with large rainforests to go in and do some heavy duty pruning.

Insane murderous texting fiend Charles Manson gave an interview to the Spanish Vanity Fair, because, well, why not? And he has a very important message for us all!

Thirty-one Republicans on the House Energy And Commerce Committee —the entire Republican contingent on the panel—declined on Tuesday to vote in support of the very idea that climate change exists.

God. The worst part about global warming is what it does to prices at your local yuppie coffee shop. Coffee yields are way down in drought-stricken Colombia. Sucks for us! Arabica coffee prices are at a 34-year high. Sucks for us! Global coffee prices are at a 14-year high. Sucks for us!

How can we fix global warming? (Assuming it's not a plot hatched by public employee unions to force sharia law on the U.S.) One solution, promoted egghead "scientists," would be to stop driving cars and focus on renewable energy sources. But new computer models suggest a much easier, and far more fun, solution: A nuclear war!

Whenever there's a major snowstorm nowadays, dingbats nationwide spew some variation of, "Some global warming this is, Al Gore." And what happens when Gore actually responds with simple explanations? They revert to "Al Gore invented the internet" jokes. Exciting times!

[The Guinness World Record holder for the longest ice bath, Wim "Iceman" Hof of the Netherlands, took a dip in an ice bath in Hong Kong today to raise awareness of global warming. Image via AP]

When we last saw Fox News' Washington managing editor Bill Sammon, he was sending his staff a memo telling them to stop saying "public option." What's he up to now? Sending staffers an email pooh-poohing global warming. Principled journalism alert!

A 2006 report questioning the validity of climate change methodology has been touted by climate change skeptics as evidence that this whole "global warming" thing is a silly prank. Only: A third of the report was plagiarized.

The GOP won its very own House! Now's the part where they throw their shit all over the walls. Here are the criminal enterprises, like science and community organizers, that the GOP will use its newfound subpoena power to crush.

Global warming is always getting a bad rap. Sure, entire nations are drowning in rising sea levels and whatnot, but there's some good news: The number of bubonic plague cases in the U.S. is dropping thanks to... global warming.