Justin Bieber kicked off his European promo tour Wednesday and, almost immediately, a state of emergency was threatened in Norway.

Tomatoes, the disarmingly jolly cousins of the nightshade family, finally yielded the last of their secrets to us today, as scientists announced they had successfully decoded the tomato genome — marking the end of a nine-year undertaking.

Page Six reported Wednesday that America's weird young spinster aunt Mary-Kate Olsen, 25, is now dating Oliver (né Olivier) Sarkozy, 42, the half-brother of former French President Nicolas Sarkozy. According to the Post, the two were spotted in the Hamptons over Memorial Day weekend (presumably together, or this ain't much of a story), and have been dating for about a month.

It's been days since one of Beyoncé's back-up dancers tweeted a picture of herself posing with Kim Kardashian backstage at Beyoncé's triumphant return to the spotlight in glitzy Atlantic City, and the world is still no closer to knowing whether Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian are friends or enemies or frenemies or indifferent or one of them thinks they're friends and the other one is like "I don't know that person" or what.

Fat dick Roger Ailes, who runs Fox News channel when he's not busy spying on his employees, threatening old men, or trying to destroy people who take photographs of his bathrooms, made some waves last week when he called the New York Times "lying scum" for writing about him. What made fewer waves was the fact that the thing that had him so exercised about the Times never happened, and his accusation was itself a lie.

If you live in Los Angeles and are a forgetful person, trips to the grocery store are about to get 100 percent more annoying.

Chinese flies looking to build a beautiful life for themselves in the public toilets of Beijing were dealt a crushing blow earlier this week, after government officials rolled out a new set of sanitation guidelines including a "two fly-maximum" rule for restrooms.

Documents released last night show that not only did the CIA and Department of Defense offer extremely cozy access to filmmakers Mark Boal and Kathryn Bigelow for their forthcoming thriller about the operation to kill Osama bin Laden—they seemed to give up previously unreleased details about the raid's origins.

America's sweetheart Chris Brown drew ire earlier this week when celebrities took to Twitter to lambast his recent appearance at the Billboard Awards.

You wouldn't wish Lolo Jones' problems on your worst enemy. She was an Olympic hurdler in 2008. She's one of the biggest track and field stars in America. Next month, at age 29, she'll be running to qualify for the Olympics again. Imagine the pressure (and the sweating!). On top of that, she has the sculpted body of a world class athlete, the tan of a god, and the beauty of a Hollywood star. Imagine the pressure. And now, in a new segment on HBO's "Real Sports," she's bravely opened up about her ongoing struggles to remain a virgin.

A Chinese writer is claiming that Rupert Murdoch was behind one of the Wall Street Journal's more embarrassing recent corrections—the paper wrongly claimed that the son of disgraced Chinese politician Bo Xilai, who preached Maoist austerity, once showed up for a date at former Amb. Jon Huntsman's residence in a cherry-red Ferrari—and that the Journal "badgered" and "threatened" a source that refused to back it up on the story. The Journal's China editor tells Gawker that the claims are "utter nonsense."

Mississippi police are warning people to call the cops if a cop tries to pull them over, following two incidents in which motorists were shot while driving down rural highways in the early-morning hours.

In what may be a major break for John Travolta, the first masseur who accused him of sexual assault has now changed an important detail in his story, claiming that the attack happened at a different date than the one stated in court documents.

Yesterday, former Gawkerer and current Salon writer Alex Pareene wrote a completely accurate and well-deserved knife-twisting takedown of Jonah Goldberg, the National Review's most youthful self-impressed hack. If you are unsure as to whether or not Jonah Goldberg is a hack, I encourage you to read Pareene's piece in full. Besides being a hack, we'd like to point out that Jonah Goldberg is also the most sniveling sort of armchair warrior bitch.

In a case Elle Woods would no doubt find very juicy, Reese Witherspoon's mother has filed a lawsuit against the actress' father, accusing him of practicing bigamy with his new wife.

Last night, Politico published a breakdown of how ABC's Robin Roberts scored the President Obama gay marriage interview yesterday and, through several producers and media analysts, offered up these non-media-related credentials: Black. Christian. 50-year-old. Sports fan. Female.

The United States is a slightly better place to be a mom this year than it was last year, according to the annual State of the World's Mothers report released by the Save the Children international aid organization earlier this week.

The lawyer representing the two masseurs accusing John Travolta of sexual assault says more may come forward very soon.

ABC News has only released one brief clip of Obama's conversation about gay marriage today, but it seems fairly clear from the network's coverage that his announcement amounts to much less than meets the eye. He now believes that gay couples should be able to marry. He doesn't believe they have a right to do so. This is like saying that black children and white children ought to attend the same schools, but if the people of Alabama reject that notion—what are you gonna do?

After decades of rumored gay bath house orgies and Scientology "cures," John Travolta's sex life is back in the news with sexual battery charges from a pair of male masseurs. Running parallel to the story of John Travolta's rise to fame is the story of his allegedly gay penis' rise to infamy. Now presenting John Travolta: A Portrait of the Actor as the Sum of His Gay Rumors.