Tiger Woods' wife plans to stay with him for the good of the children, a "Florida source" tells People. She'll even help the golfer shake off that sex addiction once he emerges from rehab, if you know what we mean.

In your terrifying Tuesday media column: Nancy Grace is unstoppable, Robert Thomson is strangely attractive, a British newspaper editor is wrong, and Mississippi is king of journalism states!

Elderly dog-worshiping soothsayer and NY Post columnist Cindy Adams is relevant once again! Really though. Not only is she a hero to young journalists everywhere, she's a hero to us today, for mocking the Hollywood-industrial entitlement complex with admirable passion!

Victoria Hopper, trophy wife of actor and conservative curmudgeon Dennis filed her response to his deathbed divorce petition, and it contains many shocks. He was mean! He owned guns! He smokes pot and watches a lot of television!

Mel Gibson — the spasming and scandal-ridden one-time movie star — is poised to debut his first starring-role movie in eight years. Articles are being written about a Comeback! The questions is, do we really want Mel Gibson back?

A source close to the couple claims that late-night comedienne Chelsea Handler and her conveniently well-connected boyfriend Ted Harbert have split up. Harbert is president and CEO of Comcast Entertainment, which owns E!, the network that airs Chelsea Lately.

When the Huffington Post Investigative Fund was announced last March, Arianna Huffington modestly described its mission as "to save investigative journalism." Ten months later, it's safe to say the fund's chief accomplishment is providing free scoops to the Huffington Post.

Sources have told us that, in the throes of their affair, John Edwards and Rielle Hunter made a sex tape that contains "several sex acts." And that his aide, Andrew Young found it on an unmarked DVD.

Botox: "the only profit-making venture for terrorists that can also potentially yield a weapon of mass destruction." Any Islamofascist biology major can pose as a Botox salesman while manufacturing enough botulinum toxin to kill thousands. Save us, Nicole Kidman! [WP]

Like Bombs Over Baghdad, Brangelina Breakup insanity continuous through the morning. Andy Dick's non-story sobriety. Johnny Carson: miserable bastard. Michael C. Hall: cunning cancer strategies. Sundance suckage, Susan Boyle rocks, Axl Rose doesn't. Presenting your epic Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup.

OH GOOD GOD THIS CAN'T. WAIT. UNTIL. TOMORROW. HUG LOVED ONES. DON'T STAND NEAR ANY WINDOWS. SHELTER YOUR THIRD-WORLD CHILDREN. GO TO CHURCH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Brad and Angelina appear to be breaking up. UPDATE: Perez offers dissent.

Andy Dick: Something about his penis getting in trouble. Rihanna's about to break her man's umbrella off. Helen Mirren has a lesson for your children about getting drunk and stupid. Megan Fox's freaky thumbs! Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

A planned fundraiser for Wyclef Jean's charity in 2006 was canceled in part because Jean's personal $100,000 performance fee made the event too expensive, according to internal e-mails and a source familiar with the event.

Bristol and mommy Sarah are right now on Oprah feeding America's women some bullshit line about abstinence. Oprah voices her concern that women making an annoucement about waiting for marriage are "setting themselves up." Wait until you hear Bristol's answer.

[When Google owns everything (including your soul) the world will look just like this google googling a google umbrella as it googles across the google to Google HQ. Image via Googleetty]

[Michaele and Tareq Salahi testified before the House Homeland Security Committee in Washington today. They plead the fifth and refused to answer questions about crashing a White House state dinner in November. Image via Getty]

The Way We Live Now: Cursing the minimum wage laws. Curse you, minimum wage! Were it not for your harsh dictates, maybe we'd still have that part-time poverty-maintaining job down at the canning plant. Now all we have is Cash4Gold.

Wyclef Jean has defended the financial irregularities of his foundation Yele Haiti by arguing he started it with his own money. However internal documents obtained by Gawker reveal that the former Fugee made no contribution during its first year.

[The president visits school kids in Virginia today to see if any of them want to run for senator of Massachusetts in 2012; image via Getty]

This is Dov. He finished third in our Douche of the Decade poll. Now ask yourself: do you really want to encourage him by viewing American Apparel's latest porny NSFW advertisement? If so, click through. If not, kudos to you.