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When the two most powerful commercial forces in the known universe—Justin Bieber and Wal-Mart—join forces, what hope is there for any of us? Soon, Justin Bieber will drench your tween daughters in his own scent. Like a dog.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has responded to outrage over his relationship with a 17-year-old stripper by saying that it's "better to be passionate about beautiful girls than gay." First of all, no. Second: What does that mean for lesbians?

Demi Lovato celebrates turning eighteen by getting in a catfight and going to rehab. Cher keeps messing up her transgender son's pronouns. Ricky Martin cried when he came out. Kim Kardashian launches her music career. Tuesday gossip cometh.

[A cat in South Africa is mesmerized by a "sundog" — when rings around the sun are caused by ice crystals within thin cirrus clouds. Image via Getty]

A group of Brooklyn teens this summer took to the streets of Bed-Stuy to count billboards and posters that promote alcohol in their neighborhood. The most frequently spotted ad? "A Spike Lee Collaboration" with Absolut Vodka. How shocking!

The tab for BP's oil spill is expected to reach nearly $40 billion, the company said as it announced its third quarter financial results today. That's $7 billion more than expected, thanks to pesky legal fees and cleanup operations. [Bloomberg]

Republican House minority leader John Boehner has been using a dumb—trust me, really dumb—line involving Johnny Cash in some recent speeches. Cash's daughter Roseanne doesn't think much of that. And she let Boehner know, by calling him "asshat."

Actor Charlie Sheen and his wife, actress Brooke Mueller, filed separate petitions for divorce on Monday. Mueller is seeking primary physical custody of their two kids, while Sheen wants primary physical custody of any and all cocaine and porn stars.

A federal appeals court will allow the military to continue expelling gay and lesbian soldiers under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," siding with the government over the judge who ruled against the policy. So, for now, don't ask, or tell.

[A liberal tot tries to hide from Republican Senate candidate Carly Fiorina outside a GOP phone bank in California today. Image via Getty]

2012 presidential gossip has already driven Sarah Palin into an awesome state of sarcastic fury, hours after Politico wrote — with help from anonymous operatives — that the GOP Establishment wants to destroy her. She really didn't like that article.

Sarah Palin has done wonders for Republican fundraising and enthusiasm in this low-turnout, base-determined midterm election. She's helpful, now, so the party won't dare criticize her. But that'll end! Because party leaders don't want her anywhere near their presidential nomination.

In your ascendant Monday media column: Bon Appetit finally names its new editor, the NYT public editor walks a fine line, Piers Morgan gets a producer, and Fox Business Network makes itself useful.

Jon Stewart's plot to "Restore Sanity" included a call for the death of the lefty vs. righty shoutfest on cable news. Some in the media felt he blamed the media too much. He didn't. He just blamed the wrong half.

Aguilera was a sexy cop for Halloween. Paris Hilton and Rachel Zoe were sexy Native Americans. Fearing his client's impending death, Charlie Sheen's manager makes a home visit. Portia de Rossi once weighed 82 lbs. Monday's gossip roundup needs candy.

[Sarah Palin pals around with noted draft dodger Ted Nugent in West Virginia to support three-time failure John Raese's bid for U.S. Senator. Sorry, Todd, but you ain't no 'Nuge. Image via Getty]

Christians in Britain are upset that the BBC has devoted air time to pagans and Hallowe'en, because Christmas and Easter and whatnot don't get nearly enough coverage: "It's not always healthy to represent such beliefs as paganism as mainstream." Nice.

Charlie Sheen bounces back from last week's cocaine- and hooker-related hospitalization with more cocaine and more hookers. Katy Perry's wedding launched an Indian police investigation. Kim Kardashian faces a Slutoween Sophie's Choice. Halloween's gossip roundup says "Boo!" and "You whore."

Emmy award-winning filmmaker George Hickenlooper died yesterday in Denver while there for the premier of his new film, Casino Jack. Hickenlooper won an Emmy for Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker's Apocalypse, about the making of Apocalypse Now. He was 47.