Breaking news from Martha's Vineyard: Barack Obama went to a bookstore! And he bought novelist Jonathan Franzen's hotly anticipated greatest masterpiece ever, Freedom. It's not even in stores until August 31! He really does have magical time-defying powers. [Image: AP]

Rapper/crazyman DMX was released from jail the other day. But he's been there before.

Gary Guy Matthews is just a 46 year-old unemployed computer technician furry who finds gratification in dressing up in a humongous dog outfit. He's also an American, thank you. Why can't he be called "Boomer the Dog," if he wants?

The fall of the Berlin Wall. D-Day. Reagan's heroic invasion of Grenada. The tumbling Saddam Hussein statue. Okay, forget the last one, but some events throughout history mark the birth of Freedom. And now in China, internet porn is accessible!

A truck headed to a slaughterhouse overturned yesterday, and a dozen cows broke free and made a run for it! Of course they'll all be caught and euthanized soon, so leave that part out when you tell the kids. [AP]

The Way We Live Now: with uncertainty. The only thing we know is that we don't know what we may or may not know. Who knows? Maybe this thing will blow over. In the meantime, you're fired. (And evicted).

For discerning individuals of extraordinary taste, an ordinary showerhead simply won't suffice. The great American values of wealth, luxury, and excess demand special, superexpensive showerheads that turn your shower into a veritable Niagara Falls. Why is Barack Obama against that?

Seattle cartoonist Molly Norris created "Everybody Draw Mohammed" day earlier this year as a humorous way to stand up for free speech. Didn't go over so well. Live and learn. Now, Al Qaeda wants her dead for it. Unacceptable.

Today in Factual Accounts of True Tales of American Heroism That Should Not Be Characterized as Propaganda: Hero Navy SEALs have rescued a helpless eagle that was shot by a fiendish Afghani.

Hey there—you, the consumer. How would you like $1 off a Frappuccino, or a free Croissanwich, or just a meaningless virtual corporate-assigned "title?" You'd like it a lot. All we need is every bit of your personal information, free.

Under pressure from the international community, Malawi's president Bingu wa Mutharika ordered a gay couple, jailed for 14 years for "unnatural acts and gross indecency" to be pardoned and released. But kind of grudgingly.

Whether anyone likes it or not, "Everybody Draw Mohammed [sp?] Day" is here, thanks to the unstoppability of internet memes. Muslim reactions have ranged from reasonable to unreasonable. But the reaction of the day's (unintentional) creator sums it up best.

Sarah Palin, America's squeakiest wheel, took a bold public stand against tolerance yesterday, berating a group of high school girls for refusing to patronize the Great White State of Arizona. Sarah Palin vows to fight anyone who disagrees with racism.

In 2007, Swedish artist Lars Vilks drew a series of cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad as a dog, with the intention of examining political correctness in art. He received international condemnation and death threats. Yesterday, he was attacked. Enough already.

Why would someone try to blow up New York? We're so nice! Blowhard congressman Peter King says there are a "hundred possibilities" as to why—even South Park! We run down a few likely motivations.

Our nation's college journalists just cannot stop getting themselves arrested, for journalism. Alex Kotran, intrepid photojournalist-at-large for the Ohio State Lantern, was simply covering two runaway and potentially deadly cows, when he was rudely detained. Fiends.

The New York police officer accused of sodomizing a man he stopped and searched in the subway was acquitted last night. "If you want to commit a murder, join the NYPD," the man, Michael Mineo, told the AP, referring to previous murder acquittals. Later he added. "Who's going to police the police?"

Twenty years ago today, Nelson Mandela was released from prison in South Africa after 27 years. He was imprisoned thanks to apartheid, which has since been proven to be stupid. You know you need to watch Sarafina today, to celebrate.

After two board members were charged with theft and sexual harassment, members of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference marched through Atlanta "with signs...calling the [SCLC's own] board members thieves and liars." The view from the mountaintop is unspeakably beautiful. [NYT]

Nat Geo has a fine television show called Taboo, which last night explored the American obesity epidemic. It included a segment on the 'Miss Plus America' pageant. One contestant's skill was karate. Here, a clip of that skill. Taboo: destroyed.