· FX's Peter Liguori is the frontrunner to replace Gail Berman atop Fox. We can only hope that he will exercise prudent stewardship over surefire hits in the pilot pipeline, like the one with Tara Reid running a Vegas wedding chapel. Don't fuck it up, Pete! That would be like flushing a gold brick down the crapper! [THR]
· This is no longer breaking news: HBO and New Line team up to create a new indie distributor, led by Newmarket Film's Bob Berney. [Variety]
· M. Night Shyamalan takes his hacky/twisty talents away from Disney and gifts them to Warner Brothers, where he'll make his next project, Lady in the Water. Spoiler alert: The lady will not be a lady at all, then the water kills the lady. [Variety]
· The American Idol voting snafu potentially fucks over the buzz-deficient Life on a Stick, which will now premiere tonight against the buzz-building The Office. [Variety]
· The pilot casting pool is getting dangerouly thin, as CBS gives Scientology adherent/acting castoff Jenna Elfman a job. We suppose this was preferable to Les Moonves letting Eflman clean his mansion. [THR]

Thanks to the anonymous operative who sent us this camera-phone documentation of the Hot Dog on a Stick giveaway currently under way on the Fox lot. Remember, Fox employees, it's considered impolite to wonder how many episodes it's going to take for the ingeniously co-branded show Life on a Stick to get canceled while enjoying your free deep-fried treat.

· Fox "flummoxed" over Gail Berman's exit, and now the network needs to figure out who to plug in as a replacement. FX's Peter Liguori, 20th Century Fox TV president Dana Walden, and a cast of thousands from Fox's many inscrutably named divisions are under consideration. [Variety]
· "No shit?!" news analysis: Berman's jumping ship comes at an inopportune time for Fox. [THR]
· ABC wants to horn in on NBC's monopoly on bad remakes of British TV hits by bastardizing the UK's celebrity ballroom dancing show Strictly Come Dancing. [Variety]
· Looks like P. Diddy's not getting the top Fox job, as his Bad Boy Entertainment signs with MTV for a TV producing deal. [THR]
· 90210 survivor Brian Austin Green will co-star in Freddie Prinze Jr's ABC comedy pilot. Should the series ever go to air, the network may find it necessary to distribute welder's masks to protect the project's star power from blinding viewers. [THR]

As if it hadn't been painful enough to lose their fearless leader in the midst of pilot season, the Fox braintrust has chosen to taunt their remaining employees with a painful reminder of the ritualistic humiliation represented by each airing of Life on a Stick, which premieres tonight. On the bright side: Free meat-byproducts-on-a-skewer and lemonade!

While we all await breathlessly the official announcement that Gail Berman has left Fox to be Brad Grey's number two at the New Paramount™, the NYT finds a film executive who isn't impressed by the TV bonafides of Grey, Berman, and Viacom co-president/cheerleader Tom Freston:

Want a fascinating, up-to-the-minute update on Gail Berman's imminent move from Fox to Paramount? Of course you do! This is the e-mail that was circulated internally at Paramount, urging their employees not to break out in a spontaneous ticker-tape parade in front of the Sherry Lansing Theater in anticipation of Berman's elaborate coronation ceremony. Right. But we understand if they're not yet ready to announce the big move; it takes time to carve the plaque with her name on it out of an assistant's bones, and they want everything to be just right:

Wow, somebody at Craiglist is really moving at the speed of light, posting this listing for the job very recently vacated by Gail Berman. This is pretty great, so we're just going to get out of the way and let you enjoy:

THR and Variety are reporting that Fox entertainment head Gail Berman has dumped Rupert Murdoch's slice of television heaven for a movie job ("the top creative post") underneath Brad Grey at the New Paramount™.

Hey, why aren't you all out getting drunk on green beer and car bombs? Oh, that's right, you're still at work, for Hollywood stops for no holiday without the threat of a Teamster riot. At least Fox lot is trying to keep thing festive on the studio lot:

· News that ten people care about: The average cost of producing and marketing a movie fell 5% to $98 million in 2004. Yay, studios, pat yourselves on the back! Because when Vin Diesel finally gets that eleventy billion dollars approved to make Hannibal, that number's gonna soar. [Variety]
· Larry King will stay on at CNN until 2009, or until he collapses into a pile of dust in his desk chair, whichever comes first. [Variety]
· The FCC passes the swear jar from Michael Powell to commissioner Kevin Martin. We're thrilled that we work in the obscenity-laden Wild West that is the internet. Watch this: cocksucker! No fine! Yet... [THR]
· The principal from Boston Public and that teenage witch chick both get pilot jobs with Fox. We couldn't make this stuff up: the Fox projects are called Deviant Behavior and Dirtbags. [THR]
· Hoping to recapture the magic from the days when she wasn't so overexposed that the mere sight of her induced hate-seizures in a large part of the population, Jennifer Lopez reteams with Selena director Gregory Nava for her next movie, Bordertown. [Variety]

Yesterday, we briefly noted a report that Paradise Hotel, the beloved reality show in which "contestants" were locked away in a luxury resort with nothing to do but drown themselves in margaritas, screw, and tear out their hair at the capriciously-shifting rules concocted by sadistic producers, might be returning to Fox this summer with its original cast. Unfortunately, an operative has informed us that the show will not be back, a decision reached deep within Fox's evil reality TV incubator yesterday. We are profoundly sad that the television landscape will continue to languish in its postlapsarian state. Excuse us while we wander in the desert of reality programming, scurrying to find some berries with which to cover our genitals— we've just realized they're shamefully exposed.

· Even with their corporate masters cracking the whip and demanding more, more, more, the Sideways-boosted Fox Searchlight will make fewer movies this year. [Variety]
· MPAA Head Pirate Hunter in Charge Dan Glickman tours the "crime-ridden black market-areas" of Mexico City in an effort to crack down on piracy south of the border. Luckily, there have been no reports of Glickman firing pistols at poverty-stricken sidewalk vendors selling unauthorized DVD copies from dirty blankets. Yet. [THR]
· Fox Animation gets the rights to Dr. Seuss's Horton Hears a Who, which much to the chagrin of the Geisel estate, will promptly be retitled Rupert Hears a Who. Hey, that's what happens when you deal with Hollywood. [Variety]
· Hey, did you hear the one about pilot season? Ellen Burstyn, Alan Ruck, John Francis Daley join pilot casts. [THR]
· "Thanks to a vote Wednesday on Capitol Hill, Hollywood is one small step closer to seeing the camcording of a film declared a federal crime." Whether the crime should be punished by firing squad or by mere genital mutilation is yet to be determined, however. [Variety]

· Clear Channel takes steps to conquer China, where they hope to defeat communism by replacing government-controlled radio stations with 24-hour broadcasts of Linkin Park. [Variety]
· Quentin Tarantino has lost his mind: QT considers writing and directing a new installment of the Friday the 13th series. [THR]
· OK, now Fox is just making shit up: Fox greenlights lifestyle makeover series Who Wants to
Live Forever? for at least four episodes. At the end of each show, one lucky contestant will be beheaded and submerged in a vat of liquid nitrogen until science advances enough to grant them immortality. [Variety]
· Oh the humanity of pilot casting! Dennis Hopper, Rob Estes, Regina "I'm in Everything" King, Brent "Lt. Data" Spiner, Joely Fischer, Jennifer Esposito, Brooke Burns, and—gasp!—Dan Cortese, all hard at work on shows you'll never see. (Except for Hopper, who's in a Jerry Bruckheimer project. We'll never get rid of that show.) [THR]
· Bruce Willis will star in 16 Blocks for Avi Lerner's Millenium Films. Obviously, none of the parties involved have read the script. [Variety]
· Bored with appearing in roughly 65 percent of the commercials currently in rotation on network television, Sarah Jessica Parker signs a television development deal with HBO. [THR]

· Martha Stewart goes home after life-affirming time in prison, ready to capitalize on her stay with a line of "Prison Bitch" lifestyle products. The napkin rings made from the phalanges of her former cellmate are certain to be a best-seller. [THR]
· Nic Cage signs on for the Neil LaBute's thriller The Wicker Man, which, sadly for all of us, appears to have nothing to do with the Josh Hartnett vehicle Wicker Park. [Variety]
·These stars will probably never reach your television with their pilots: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Stockard Channing, Jane Curtin, Fred Savage, and Don Johnson will collect paychecks for the next month. [THR]
· NBC orders at least 10 episodes of Treasure Hunters, a reality show that has teams solving puzzles, criss-crossing the globe in a quest, and trying to discover exactly how they became trapped in the 1980 Michael J. Fox movie Midnight Madness. [Variety]
· House gets a pick-up for a second season. E-mail from Fox head Gail Berman declaring the show to be an "enormous hit" to follow. [THR]

· The Brad Grey Era at the New Paramount™ begins with a splash, we guess, as Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, and Gael Garcia Bernal sign on for the drama Babel. We still like our idea for the Pitt star vehicle The Man of Few Words Who Smells Something Funny and Likes to Shoot Guns better. Perhaps Mr. Pitt can discharge a firearm somewhere in the picture and satisfy us? [Variety]
· Not to be outdone by Brad and Cate, Jennifer Aniston will hook up with Meryl Streep (figuratively, of course) to star in Wanted for Plan B, her and Pitt's still-kicking production company. [Variety]
· Two women who were once married to smarmy stars (Geena Davis and Rebecca Romijn) get pilots. Everybody works during pilot season! [THR]
· Jack Valenti comes down off the MPAA mountain to explain why Gunner Palace (the most profane PG-13 movie—ever!), received its rating. The reason? "Because I fucking said so! Now get outta my yard, you movie-pilfering imps!" Also, realistic portrayal of war, etc etc. [THR]
· Even with just a half-hour of American Idol and one arm tied behind their back, Fox takes Wednesday night. Next week, Fox will tempt Nielsen fate by running an hour of Idol commercials, and still will draw 25 million viewers. [THR]

After receiving the news that her network had "dominated" the February ratings sweeps, Fox entertainment president/Arrested Development booster Gail Berman took some time out from high-fiving everyone in the office to send out this e-mail crowing about their big win. She brags about how the network didn't even need that little Super Bowl thing (really, that was just piling on), but we're left with one question that's pretty easy to answer: What if you take away American Idol? A: Berman gets fired! Given that the alternative to victory was the Hollywood breadline, yeah, we'd be boasting too.

· One of those shows that people used to watch before Jerry Springer allowed hicks to hit each other with chairs is nominated for a bunch of awards. [Variety]
· House, 24, and oh yeah, some little shows thing called the the Super Bowl and American Idol lead Fox to a February sweeps win in the coveted key demographic. [Variety]
· THR analyzes the season's surge in comedy pilots. And? There are more of them, actors are extorting more money because of the resulting casting crunch, and in the end, Fox will go right back to airing American Idol four times a week. [THR]
· But you already knew this, like, two days ago: The staggeringly pretty Jude Law dumps CAA for the warm embrace and promised fatter bags of money that Endeavor offers him. [Variety]
· The New Paramount loves to buy things! Brad Grey's little elves get the rights to teen-superhero comic series
Invincible. The script will be penned by the comic's creator, Robert Kirkman, and then quickly rewritten by fifteen uncredited writers. [Variety]

· The usually hilarious Chris Rock boosts Oscar ratings to a five-year high by toning down his act enough not to induce heart attacks in frail Academy members (while boring most everyone else). [Variety]
· The Little Euthanasia Engine That Could: The inspiring tale of how Oscar darling Million Dollar Baby made it to the screen. [Variety]
· For about $250,000 per episode, TBS gets the rights to air According to Jim re-runs. We sincerely hope that the network doesn't denude the groundbreaking sitcom of its trademark edgy humor as it commutes to basic cable. [THR]
· Everbody works during pilot season, part the tenth: Christopher Lloyd, Tom Berenger, and Luke Perry pick up temporary paychecks. [THR]
· Losers drive Beemers: Variety's website is covered in BMW ads featuring Best Supporting Actor also-ran Clive Owen. [Variety]

· Fuck the tsunami victims, and forget about houses sliding down hillsides, Hollywood has a bigger problem: How will the pounding rain affect the Oscar parties? [Variety]
· Everybody works during pilot season! James Van Der Beek and one of the Arquettes turn in their food stamps until at least mid-April as they sign up for sitcom pilots. [THR]
· The Shield showrunner Shawn Ryan tempts severe writers' block by inking a huge three-year overall deal with 20th Century Fox TV. Poor schmuck. He may never write again, and his army of gold robots will provide scant comfort as he kicks his laptop, screaming, "Why can't you give me more edgy cop dramas?!" [Variety]
· Failing to find a sufficiently commercial project involving the sexual molestation of former child actors and cancer patients, entertainment firm Neverland Films abandons its bad-buzz name and is reborn as Code Entertainment. Next up: Michael Jackson rechristens his home "Code Entertainment's House of Prepubescent Sodomy," forcing another naming crisis for the unlucky company. [Variety]
· U.S. Circuit Judge Harry Edwards tells off the FCC because when ordinary citizens do it, the governent cackles with delighted disregard: "Are you going to regulate washing machines next?...Ancillary [power] does not mean you get to rule the world." Awww snap! [THR]

Fox Entertainment president Gail Berman comes down from the Murdoch Empire mountaintop to answer the anxious Arrested Development fans who are e-mailing her, afraid the show is about to be canceled after its original episode order was reduced. Of course, by "comes down from the mountaintop" we mean "makes her second assistant send out boilerplate responses while she kicks off early for a pedicure." Here's the short version: Watch more and we won't have to cancel it. Longer version below: