"COURTNEY SHEBER IS AMERICA'S HOTTEST COLLEGE GIRL," the website Tempe12 declares boldly. But is she? A careful reading of the 19-photo gallery reveals not just the failure of language at the horizon of desire, but the destabilizing nature of desire itself.

God, Newt Gingrich blew it so badly in last night's debate. After lobbying for several days to allow debate audiences to cheer again, and landing Wolf Blitzer, the most destructible sally of a debate moderator in world history, he simply allowed Mitt Romney to take advantage of the crowd and win the debate and couldn't even scream Wolf Blitzer back into his cubby hole of sadness once.

On the left: Stephen Slevin in 2005, when he was arrested in New Mexico's Dona Ana County on suspicion of driving under the influence and driving a stolen vehicle (Slevin says the car was lent to him by a friend). On the right: Slevin in 2007, just before he was released after spending nearly all of two years in solitary confinement in the county jail.

Now and then, we get forwarded crazy emails that people — most of whom are men involved in the finance industry — send to the people they're dating, or have dated, or want to date. Today: a thesaurus-happy hedge-fund manager accuses a woman he's been on one date with of lying to him and decides he'll teach her the best way to reject someone.

Here in America, our jails are full of old people, and it's costing us a ton of money to keep them in there. Huh. Now there is a problem which certainly could not have been foreseen by craven "Law and order" politicians prosecuting a useless "War on Drugs" for the sake of public popularity, nor by the simplistic bloodthirsty voters who repeatedly elected them in order to satisfy a primal hatred of "the other." Anyhow, we have a solution: let the old people out of jail.

A brief list of things you will see in this campaign ad for Republican congressional candidate Mark Oxner: bad special effects, a reference to a Cialis ad, a Guy Fawkes mask, slave-children rowing. It feels a little like a Ryan Trecartin thing? Or Tim and Eric? I don't know. Send it to all your friends. [via Wonkette]

"New York is less bookish than Cleveland?" the Daily News wonders incredulously about a study purporting to show the most literate cities in the U.S. One way of determining whether or not that's actually true might be to, say, see which city's hometown paper can spell "literate"?

Demi Moore was apparently drinking massive amounts of Red Bull (and forgoing food and drink) before the 911 emergency that led to her hospitalization. The Sun (which, to be fair, just make shit up sometimes) reports:

If there are three things I've learned about [people who are attracted to men], it's that they love a) dudes who play guitar, b) dudes who pull off the perfectly-loosened tie and rolled-up sleeves look, and c) dudes who are Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Behold: I bring you all three, in this video from a Sundance event last night. Please watch, swoon, and most importantly, share with all your friends.

A website with the lovely name "theshiznit.co.uk" has created a series of fake posters for Oscar-nominated movies with the theme "if 2012's Oscar-nominated movie posters told the truth." I think "funny" is definitely a word that I could see being applied to these. Click in the lower-left corner of the picture to see full-sized. Happy traffic day, by the way. [The Shiznit]

Why is Arizona America's number-one state? Because of its public servants, like Peoria police officer Sgt. Pat Shearer, who took "a picture that shows several teens, a few of them carrying guns, displaying a bullet-riddled Obama T-shirt" — a picture so good that even the Secret Service is interested.

Here's today's fun internet game: who does Google think you are? Google thinks I am a 65+ year old man, possibly because I am always searching things like "what time does The Good Wife start" and "movies with no violence or sadness in them" and "when will I die." (Google also thinks I am interested in "Arts & Entertainment - Celebrities & Entertainment News." Fair enough.)

Taco Bell is not going to be serving breakfast. That would be gross. Taco Bell is serving First Meal. It's the meal that comes after Fourth Meal. It's a meal that you eat at about the same time that you would eat breakfast, but which bears no resemblance to the "food" that normal humans would consume, for "breakfast." Observe:

Remember Patrick Witt, the Yale quarterback who chose the Yale-Harvard game over a chance at a Rhodes scholarship? As it turns out, it wasn't much of a choice: Witt's Rhodes candidacy had already been withdrawn over allegations of sexual assault.

Mayor Bloomberg's having a bad week, between the virulently anti-Muslim video starring his police commissioner and the rape charges against his police commissioner's son. So look, Mayor Mike: if you want to quit, you can come work for us writing Gossip Girl recaps.

In Touch: "Lady Gaga‘s boyfriend of six months, Taylor Kinney, has told her to check her alter ego at the door when she's with him… he has no desire to live with a stage act." Why can't she just be normal. God. It's like she wants to be an outcast. Freak.

How would Texans greet their three-term governor, their invincible hero, their great culture warrior, Rick Perry, upon return from his humiliating presidential run? With a giant thumb down. Maybe they'll forget by 2014, when he runs for governor again.

Novelty ukulele tune Zooey Deschanel is "excited to host the WGA awards. It should be a lot of fun!"

Here's yet another reason that a viable Newt Gingrich presidential candidacy is in America's best comedic interests: It brings out his fellow scumbag crooks that he's worked with over the years to pledge their loyalty for his Restoration.

A round of applause, please, for Abner and Harper Willis, two heartbreakingly earnest brothers from Maine, who have done more to help the economy than anyone we know by spending $109,000 at a variety of American businesses, all in a quest to become indie rock stars. "The School of Rock is expensive," they warn their readers. "Then again, class can be a lot of fun, and some of the homework is pretty cool."