God, Newt Gingrich blew it so badly in last night's debate. After lobbying for several days to allow debate audiences to cheer again, and landing Wolf Blitzer, the most destructible sally of a debate moderator in world history, he simply allowed Mitt Romney to take advantage of the crowd and win the debate and couldn't even scream Wolf Blitzer back into his cubby hole of sadness once.

What can he do to win Florida now and keep up the hilarity for this downtrodden nation? Not much. But here are some emergency options.

  • Beat up John King. Yelling at CNN's John King for asking about his many affairs on cancer- and MS-ridden wives somehow gave Newt Gingrich a solid 10-20 percentage point boost in South Carolina polls overnight. Why give up on a winning thing? John King was in Florida last night for the debate aftershow, he'll presumably be there again for primary night on Tuesday, so he should be in the Sunshine State for at least another couple of days. Newt Gingrich needs to find him and land a good punch across the jaw or a kick in the groin. He needs to do this.
  • Come up with the most relentlessly negative TV attack ad on Romney ever. Oh good, his Super PAC is already taking care of this with "Blood Money." How about a few more? "Blood Murder," "Blood Death Sadness and Mitt Romney," "When Mitt Romney Murdered Half of Florida with Blood and Misery and Murder" — they're all waiting to be made.
  • Voter fraud. Steal the election somehow. Try to minimize chatter, though, since stealing elections is an illegal thing and won't count if you get caught.

Another option is to just lose and go back to selling dumb nostalgia DVDs to nobody.