1-800-DIAL-DMV used to connect you to New York State's Department of Motor Vehicles. Now it directs people to a lady who moans, "You're so big baby, wanna pull it out and watch it explode all over my beautiful backside?"

Barack Obama officially hired liberals' favorite consumer-protector, Harvard professor Elizabeth Warren, to his administration today. She wasn't nominated to head the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau as expected, just to advise the administration as it sets up the agency. Still, good!

Portland, Oregon is home to Powell's, one of the country's best book stores. Portlanders love to read, and this bus driver is no exception. But, dude, how about you don't read while you're driving a bus down the highway?

The filing deadline for Chicago's 2011 mayor's race is November 22, with a Democratic primary in February. Not far away! So White House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel, should he run, would have to leave "relatively soon" — before the midterms, probably.

Good news: "Shoppers experience the same rush of endorphins when they stumble across a hot sale promotion as they do when they are sexually aroused." So if you shopped during Fashion's Night Out, you have been to an orgy.

Did you know that 2010 is the Year of the Conservative Woman? Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, whoever else: all conservative, and female, and in the news. Now the conservative filmmakers at Citizens United will commemorate them with a new documentary!

Project Runway killed Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis a second time. They dug up her grave, molested her corpse, dressed her up in bad outfits, and paraded her on TV. Her eternal soul will know no rest because of reality television.

Hey, look: Ground Zero has a Yelp page. And it's only got four stars! We know Yelpers can be harsh, but can't the site of one of the century's defining moments catch a break?

Christine O'Donnell—Delaware's anti-masturbation candidate for Senate who opposes anything that "legitimizes the homosexual lifestyle"—has a gay sister. And her gay sister has a Facebook profile where she calls herself a Democrat and says Christine isn't a homophobe.

The religious right's Values Voters Summit begins today, in Washington! Are you going? Of course not, because you people have no values. But many potential presidential candidates will be speaking, plus Christine O'Donnell and various other catastrophes.

Breaking: After yesterday's report that rattail-coiffed Koran savior Jacob Isom's dream was to be featured in High Times, the doobie denizens agreed to feature our rattail-coiffed hero in the pages of their vaunted magazine.

Teen-stalking Google engineer David Barksdale could face up to five years in prison if he were to be convicted of violating the federal Electronic Communications Privacy Act, which prohibits the intentional interception of electronic communication.

Casey Affleck, the director of I'm Still Here, the "documentary" about Joaquin Phoenix's descent into drug-fueled, hip-hop-wannabe madness, says it was all a "performance." Yes, everything—including the famous appearance on David Letterman—was faked for the movie.

It's clear now that the only way journalists are allowed to write profiles of eccentric socialite billionaire hedge fund wife Lisa Falcone is to tell her they plan to detail her "entrepreneurial" and "philanthropic" activities. Not her insanity.

It's amazing how appropriate this Craziest Political Speech Ever by Phil Davison—failed candidate for treasurer of Stark County, Ohio—sounds when backed by inspirational movie music. Can Davison unseat Barack Obama in 2012? Probably.

Jersey Shore's resident moneymaker, The Situation, put his iPhone app on the virtual shelves of the Apple App Store today. Just what can you expect from the king of GLT for $5 of your hard-earned money?

Just three days after she wore it to the VMAs, Lady Gaga's meat dress rose again at Jeremy Scott's Fashion Week presentation. It's like couture Jesus. Personally, I prefer Scott's ticket stub ensemble or the chaps-Speedo-tank top combination. Screw Gaga.

Jacob Isom—the rattail-coiffed Koran hero of Amarillo, Texas—is officially a phenomenon. The video of him telling a local news about how he swiped a kerosene-soaked Koran from would-be burners has gotten its first auto-tuned remix.

As CNN's John Roberts was preparing to interview David Axelrod last week, he turned to co-anchor Kiran Chetry and said, bitchily, "'Scuse me. Would you mind not doing that while I'm talking? Thank you. Appreciate that. If you don't mind."

Readers ask: Has never-married abstinence advocate and Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell ever had sex? Yes, that's the whole point! In a 2004 interview, she admitted screwing dudes all the time, in college, before devoting her life to Chastity.