The man just can't go a day without saying something annoying. Also today: You actually might get invited to the Wedding of the Century, Kim Kardashian is totally doing things, and an in-depth analysis of the Bristol Palin affair.

The Montauk Monster himself broke into acting years ago; now, his not-quite-right cousin Merle has landed himself a starring role in this new flick by District 9 director Neill Blomkamp. Good for Merle, he really needed the work.

Have you heard? Wall Street is getting its swagger back! But while this is obviously great news, it's been a long time since finance guys turned their swag on. So we've assembled a guide to help them!

UCLA neuroscientist David Jentsch, who conducts research on rodents and primates, received a gruesome package earlier this month: "Bloody, AIDS-tainted razor blades," courtesy "the Justice Department."

Emboldened, one imagines, by the successful internet campaign to have actress Betty White host Saturday Night Live, famous cookie monster Cookie Monster has started his own SNL-hosting campaign with this audition tape, complete with a cookie Lady Gaga.

The Israeli Army has a new plan for catching draft dodgers who claim to be Orthodox Jews to get out of compulsory military service: Check Facebook and see if they're going out on Friday nights.

Pope Benedict says that all people—not just male prostitutes—can use condoms> But only to prevent HIV, not for birth control. Thanks for giving us permission, but the only old German we're taking sex advice from is Dr. Ruth.

Last night Bill O'Reilly targeted his devastating "pinhead" insult at the Simpsons writers, whose (very anti-Republican) latest episode called Fox News "Not Racist, But #1 With Racists." O'Reilly slammed the "pinheads" for their corporate disloyalty, the worst crime ever.

The many incoming Republican members of Congress are still enjoying Freshmen orientation: Boring lectures by day, secret Boehner orgies by night. But are these sore, hungover noobs even learning anything? Yes! It's all found in Eric Cantor's Official Freshmen Guide.

German reactionaries have a bizarre new icon: Google. Vandals in the Bergerhausen area of western Germany have egged several houses for opting out of Google Street View, leaving behind notes reading, "Google's cool." Get the message, privacy-hoarding squares?

Park51, the proposed Islamic community center and mosque in downtown Manhattan, has applied for federally-funded grants, prompting shrill cries that the "Ground Zero mosque" is looking for a taxpayer handout.

There's a lobby underway to get witchy failed Tea Party Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell cast on your mother's favorite show, Dancing with the Stars. Currently that lobby consists of only Sarah Palin. Shockingly, we agree with Sarah on this one.

Aw, moose turds. As expected, Sarah Palin's Alaska, the former governor's TLC reality show, dropped 40% in the ratings from week one to week two. It still nabbed 3 million viewers on Sunday, good for cable, but it's no mega-hit.

The Real Housewives of Everycity, USA, are all putting out singles, so that means the Gay Housewives should have one too, right? Wrong! But what if it's about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell?" You can't hate it then, right? Double wrong!

Old blue-blood Barbara Bush explained told CNN last night that she didn't hand her miscarried fetus jar to son George, as he wrote. That's not the New England way! Fetus-handling is the maid's duty: "Paula" handed George the jar, duh.

Medical marijuana now has a national trade organization. Just like every other corporate special interest! Ah, how far we've come. In honor of this dubious step towards the mainstream, allow us to suggest some useful talking points.

After reading our post about Rachelle Friedman, the bride-to-be paralyzed from the neck down at her bachelorette party, Gawker commenter and designer jchen1 wanted to help. So he contacted Rachelle's aunt Laura and, with her assistance, built Rachelle a website.

Did you hear about the secret talks between the Afghan government and the Taliban aimed at ending the War in Afghanistan? Well, it turns out the "senior commander" the Afghan government was meeting with... wasn't.

A 2006 report questioning the validity of climate change methodology has been touted by climate change skeptics as evidence that this whole "global warming" thing is a silly prank. Only: A third of the report was plagiarized.

John Yoo, the lawyer who drafted the Bush Justice Department's "torture memos," compares George W. Bush's decision to waterboard suspected terrorists (based on his legal advice) to a driver's decision to go the full speed limit.