President Obama apparently took an elbow to the face during his basketball game today and was left needing 12 stitches for his lip. Can't wait for this to be used as a clunky metaphor in Op-Ed pages across the country!

Fox News subsidiary Fox Nation posted an excerpt from a satirical Onion article in the "culture" section of its site on Friday. The only problem: They didn't tell anyone it was a joke.

Reason you should delete your Facebook account, #4,679: It can get you hit in the head with a frying pan, and then stabbed. Just ask Aaron Calhoun of Toldeo, Ohio!

Lady Gaga cooked up a "little monster casserole." Michael Douglas took his kids to Epcot. Mel Gibson tried to get some (proof that his ex was taking) Oxycodone. Friday's gossip is still recovering from the sweet potato marshmallow casserole.

A Wisconsin woman was arrested at a Toys "R" Us for telling fellow shoppers she would get her gun and shoot them after they objected to her butting in line. No gun was found. Happy Black Friday, America! [via johne]

Black Friday is upon us! It's the biggest shopping day of the year, and to help you out we've put together some holiday-shopping tips and tricks to so you get the best out of your orgiastic celebration of waste:

Three teenagers from the Tokelau islands disappeared on October 5 while rowing in the Pacific. After an extensive search by the New Zealand air force, the boys' families held memorial services. Yesterday, they were found alive by a fishing boat.

Musician Peter "Sleazy" Christopherson, a founding member of legendary industrial band Throbbing Gristle reportedly died in his sleep last night at age 55. Here's his band Coil's cover of the Northern Soul classic "Tainted Love."

Document-sharing website Wikileaks is preparing to release a trove of damaging diplomatic cables from the U.S. State Department. So the U.S. is calling all its friends to warn them. They're going to be in so much trouble!

This Thanksgiving did you get groped by the TSA? Did your cat use the dinner table as a toilet? Did you burn the turkey? Share your Thanksgiving horror stories and win a case of booze to ease the pain.

Angelina Jolie does not enjoy our colonial holiday. Lindsay Lohan is spending Thanksgiving with a bad influence. Cameron Diaz and A-Rod are back on. Billy Joel is recovering. Wesley Snipes is appealing. Thursday's gossip is making pies with its mother.

[A group of travelers, some looking happier than others, waiting for a bus out of New York's Herald Square today, the busiest travel day of the year. Safe travels, everyone! Image via AP]

Former House majority leader Tom DeLay, once one of the most powerful Republicans in Congress, has been convicted of money laundering and conspiracy for illegally funneling campaign contributions to fellow Texas Republicans. He faces up to life in prison.

Thanksgiving is here! Which means mashed potatoes, so yay, but it also means family. Family's the worst! So get out of the house and go see a movie this holiday weekend. Will it be naked ladies or... nearly-naked ladies?

New Jersey Rep. Steve Rothman has fired his chief of staff, Robert Decheine, who was arrested as part of a sex sting last week. He was allegedly soliciting sex from an undercover cop posing as a 15-year-old girl.

The cast of Glee is full of characters that are lovably unlikable. Except for Babygay Kurt. He is perfect in every way. And in case you didn't realize that, there was an entire episode to drive the point home.

It's become clear that even legitimate universities are, for many, a hugely overpriced scam. So how bad of an investment do you think those "for-profit colleges" like the University of Phoenix are? Let's just say... fucking awful, horrible, STAY AWAY.

Burlesque, the gayest movie made since Prince of Tides, opens in theaters today and people are so excited! Cher! Christina Aguilera! But should they be? Let's take a look at the not-so-good reviews that have come pouring in.

[Barack Obama lets "Apple" off the hook at this morning's White House turkey pardon, a silly annual photo-op that every investigative reporter in Washington D.C. covers thoroughly. George W. Bush was so much better at these. Image via AP.]

As soon as news broke last week that veteran Hollywood publicist Ronni Chasen had been gunned down in her car in Beverly Hills for no apparent reason, the conspiracy theories began. Finally, Page Six has said hell, let's print some.