Defense Secretary Robert Gates is on a trip to Afghanistan, landing in Kabul this morning. Gen. David Petraeus greeted him at the airport and the two immediately engaged in the sort of lighthearted banter you'd expect from two of the country's top military men.

Everyone loved that Emma Watson, cute British pixie, had decided to hole herself up in Providence and spend a few years at Brown. But now the Harry Potter actress and blossoming starlet has announced on her website that she's taking some time off from school to focus on promoting the final Harry Potter movie and to work on other film projects.

Premiere Radio Networks, the radio syndicator that brings you Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, knows better than anyone that its audience consists almost exclusively of mouth-breathing illiterates. That can make talk radio, which theoretically relies on the ability of listeners to dial a telephone and speak coherently, something of a challenge. No worries though, because now there's Premiere On Call, a service whereby, in exchange for money, a paid voice actor will call your radio show and pretend not to be stupid.

Last night the "original Housewives" returned for a one millionth season, though only one of the original monsters is left. The rest are the squealing wraiths we've collected along the way, blonde harridans who like nothing more than to fight with each other and blame it on the alcohol. So, nothing's changed.

Here's an educational new video, courtesy of Think Progress, of that most common feature in American democracy: a Republican politician asking billionaire overlord David Koch for money.

According to a recent study, the artificial light emitted by iPads, computer screens, Blackberries, and all those other electronic devices that you rely on so heavily is keeping you from falling asleep. Yes, technology makes you tired.

A hearty "Happy Anniversary—With Cream!" is in order for caffeine-'n-branding purveyor Starbucks, which is celebrating 40 years of not going out of business. On this blessed occasion, allow us to reflect on Starbucks' legacy of woe.

The Republicans' slow limp towards the 2012 election will attempt another lunge forward today in Iowa, as some of the declared, half-declared, and likely future declarers meet for their first candidates' forum. While it's exciting that they'll be in the same physical location in an actual early battleground state, though, it's unclear how much interaction they'll have.

After his first divorce, this funny guy was living up the gay lifestyle, but now that he has a new movie coming out, he got married again to boost his box office. This tween got drunk and puked in a convenience store. She must have eaten the hot dogs.

This is the World Trade Center attacks, as seen from an NYPD helicopter. I'm not sure I can do it justice, except to say that it's among the most transfixing 17 minutes of video I've ever seen. The clip was originally obtained by the National Institute of Standards and Technology under the Freedom of Information Act for their investigation into the attacks, and anonymously sent, released, along with several still photographs taken from another helicopter, to the secret-sharing website Cryptome by the National Institute of Standards and Technology to fulfill a Freedom of Information Act request. You can download the photos here.

"Democrats to End Union Standoff," The Wall Street Journal announced in a headline on Sunday night, citing an interview with Democratic State Senator Mark Miller:

What does it take to be the happiest man in America? "Friendship," you might say. "Trust." Ha!. The real secret to happiness being a tall, married, business-owning Asian-American Jewish man living in Hawaii. Like Alvin Wong!

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) says that, yes, President Obama is running "a gangster government." And, yeah, he probably doesn't like America very much either.

Do you know who Herman Cain is? It's okay, because no one else really does either. But he might be running for president! And he has some serious qualifications: Cain used to run the Godfather's Pizza chain. Mmm. And if that doesn't tempt your taste buds, the AP has some more info on this mysterious pizza man:

For about an hour last night, starting at 10pm, Charlie Sheen rambled live on UStream in a webshow called "Sheen's Korner." The most interesting thing about this embarrassing piece of crap was that, thanks to UStream's viewer display count, you could see people getting sick of Sheen in real time: At its peak, more than 100,000 people followed along as Sheen said whatever was on his mind and his buddies laughed at his unfunny jokes sycophantically. But as the broadcast ground on it shed thousands of users by the minute.

As deadly fighting in several Libyan cities continues, reports claim that an elite British SAS unit was captured by rebels. Meanwhile, protesters in Bahrain are stepping up pressure on the ruling elite. Here's what's happening across the Middle East.

With Mubarak out of power, Egyptians turned today on the brutal State Security Services he used to cement his reign. Thousands of protestors stormed the agency's main headquarters in Cairo, ransacking offices and searching for evidence of Mubarak's wrongdoing among classified documents. This is basically like if Americans were given free reign at the FBI's HQ.

Fox News has a super-exciting article today: "Exclusive: NASA Scientist claims Evidence of Alien Life on Meteorite." OMG, aliens exist! Except this NASA scientist has been claiming to have evidence of alien life on meteorites for years.

When Justin Timberlake was preparing to play Napster inventor and early Facebook investor Sean Parker in The Social Network, he asked for the real-life Parker's help and was famously rebuffed. Makes sense: Post-Social Network, Parker isn't happy at all with his newfound fame.

Chronic anxiety got you stressing every tiny facet of your life? You might be able to cure it with two hours in front of a computer. Cognitive-bias modification (CBM) is an automated treatment shown to be effective for psychological conditions like depression and anxiety. It sounds too good to be true. (And probably is.).