Happy Earth Day, everyone! The CIA wants you all to know that it is at the forefront of conservation by… shredding and burning documents. They sent out this official Earth Day press release highlighting its "sustainability and conservation initiatives":

Remember that embarrassing PR email blast urging ladies to "Pamper yourself or your mom with the comfort she deserves this Mother's Day"? Turns out it was the error of the most tragic PR intern ever. PRNewser reports:

Though she's based primarily in Nashville, teen emotions mogul Taylor Swift spends a lot of time in Los Angeles and is, apparently, sick of staying in hotels. So she's purchased a house!

A bartender at New York's gay summer getaway the Fire Island Pines doesn't need to be able to just pour vodka tonic after vodka tonic after vodka tonic. No, he needs to be sexy, too! Join us and let's see who's hot and who's not.

Protesters in Syria came out in coordinated masses across the country to protest today, but the government's police apparatus was prepared to meet them—with live ammunition. Unconfirmed estimates of between 40 and 70 deaths are being reported, making it the bloodiest day in the five weeks since protests began. And it's only been one day since the Assad regime lifted the country's suffocating, decades-old emergency rule.

As we speak, Lindsay Lohan's preliminary evidentiary hearing for the felony theft of a necklace has adjourned for lunch. LiLo arrived at court with her hair in a sloppy bun and wide blue sailor pants billowing above a pair of patent leather peep-toe pumps. Long-suffering assistant Elinore tagged along, Louis Vuitton tote (laptop case?) in hand.

Famous conservative Washington Post columnist Charles Krauthammer, like many elite Republicans, has been dumping all over Donald Trump in the last few weeks. He's called him a "provocateur and clown" who's "unserious." It was a vicious low blow to whip out the bilious "p" word against America's most respected and moral businessman. So Krauthammer was understandably terrified yesterday when his secretary told him that Trump was on the line. As he recounted on Fox News last night:

In POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold, director Morgan Spurlock (Super Size Me, Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden?) exposes the shady practice of product placement... by documenting his efforts to make a movie funded entirely by product placement. Got that? It's a plate-spinning act that actually works, offering a sly and entertaining glimpse into the strange landscape of 21st Century advertising.

Last night the concert for the world's worst David Bowie cover band, Real Housewives of Suffragette City, did their horrendous rendition of "Fashion" (Turn to the left!) with a runway show and photo shoot. The Goon Squat has officially come to town. Beep beep!

Shiba Inu Puppy Cam has returned! Shiba Inu breeder bitch Kika—mother to the most meme-worthy whelps ever to grace the internet—gave birth last week to six puppies, three boys and three girls.

Members of Congress are back in their districts, attending town hall events, explaining to their constituents why, exactly, they want to make such major changes to the health care system.

Not too many years ago, the American economy was booming, and a population engorged with internet-stock money began moving to Berkeley, buying solar panels, and proclaiming that its consumer products needed to be "green," for the sake of saving the earth. "Money is no object!" proclaimed the typical American consumer, circa 2007. "My household cleaner must be 'green' certified, for what price is too high to pay to save the earth, while cleaning? That is a silly, rhetorical question."

The ridicule heaped on Scott Adams after being caught using a pseudonym to defend himself on message boards has left an indelible impact on the Dilbert cartoonist. He is now a defender of all famous people from the internet's smears. Let him explain why a black woman blogger has no right to criticize Gwyneth Paltrow's privilege, because she's a black woman.

Tennessee state Rep. Joanne Favors, Democrat of Chattanooga, did not enjoy encountering a "huge dog" in the plaza of the state Capitol earlier this week. Here she is shortly after her episode, just unloading on the floor of the House. Who brought this beast to the Capitol? Now her blood pressure's through the roof, thank you very much:

In case you missed him on CNN, Fox News Channel, Good Morning America, The View, The Joy Behar Show, The Rachael Ray Show, Dr. Phil, and The Gayle King Show, Dan Abrams has written a new book about how people who don't have penises wash their hands more than people who do have them. As of last week, it had sold 6,169 copies, according to BookScan.

Well, another one went down last night, falling in battle on the blood-soaked fields of American Idol. It was sad, like all endings are sad, but it was about time for this person. They'd been almost all the way through the wringer before. Now they're finally wrung out.

JWOWW's ex says she attacked him with a steak knife and a fireplace poker. Beyonce wears stilettos at a Disney theme park. LeAnn Rimes is happy with her homewrecker marriage. Charlie Sheen gives to charity. It's time for TGIFriday gossip.

Americans are—we are sorry to say—whiny, dissatisfied, lazy stereotypes of themselves, always looking for a "handout" rather than a "hand up."

This writer/comedian poses as an internet troll and then uses the responses to his comments in his act. This tween star never really went to rehab, it was all just a PR stunt. Sounds like something a troll would say.

What's dumber than getting a tattoo on your ass of the Tasmanian Devil chugging a beer while peeling out in a hot rod? Getting a full chest piece that recreates that murder you committed outside of a liquor store several years back, that's what.