Bubonic plague! Gay cancer! Autistic children! Chocolate milk! Head injuries! Newborn risk! Fat war! Sex aneurysm! And the very latest semen information! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—to keep from crying!
Florida Gov. Rick Scott recently turned down $2 billion in federal funds for high-speed rail, mostly as a means of sticking it to the liberals in Washington. But If you live in one of more than a dozen other states, you should thank Governor Scott for his sacrifice! Because the Department of Transportation announced how it would divvy up Florida's rejected money today.
They're both new to the neighborhood, and they hate each other. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and former deputy Owen Van Natta are apparently moving into the same opulent corner of Palo Alto, California. But Van Natta scored the posher pad.
Meet J.T. Tran, "The Asian Playboy" and America's "#1 Dating Coach for Asian Men." He makes a cameo in Wesley Yang's New York magazine article about high-achieving Asian-American underdogs. As an aerospace engineer, J.T. spent his spare time studying from The Game pick-up artist Mystery. Soon, he became the Kumon math teacher of seduction.
The Obama administration has gone through all of the properties the federal government owns and come up with "roughly 14,000 buildings and structures currently designated as excess and thousands of others that are underutilized." It plans to sell "or get rid of" as many of these as possible over the next three years, which will supposedly save $15 billion.
I have always called Jersey Shore the most important sociological experiment of our time, and it seems one intrepid University of Chicago student agrees with me because he's not only stolen my tag line, but is trying to organize an academic conference around the reality show. This is a brilliant idea.
Everyone thought that Jim Moats, a pastor in Newville, Pennsylvania, was a retired Navy SEAL and a Vietnam war hero. He had a plaque to that effect hanging in his office, and he wore the trident medal symbolizing SEAL membership. For a profile in yesterday's local paper, Moats told of being "waterboarded" by SEAL instructors, and of being busted down to a kitchen worker after getting in a fight. "I had almost no discipline. I was as wild as they came. That was my nemesis," Moats said. "They weren't looking for a guy who brags to everyone he is a SEAL. They wanted somebody who was ready but had an inner confidence and didn't have a braggadocio attitude."
Everything is unraveling! Marriages and friendships and dress companies. It's all coming undone for our California bliss-monsters, their threads pulling and fraying like so many, well, cheap dresses. At least there was wine to comfort them, as there always is.
Donald Trump wants to clarify that he's "the least racist person there is." In fact, he says, he's so not-racist that Randal Pinkett, who is black, "won on The Apprentice a little while ago, a couple years ago, and Randal's been outstanding in every way."
A shocked nation recoils as Christina Aguilera dares show her face with anything less than professional hair and makeup. Victoria Beckham gets a "quinny buzz." Benjamin Millepied throws a tantrum. Monday gossip has fascist beauty standards.
This actor has a medical condition where he has to use bronzer below the belt. This comedian's girlfriend is a stripper, these famous sisters are fighting over a dog, and this singer loves prostitutes. At least he's not giving them the bronze trophy.
CNN is really going for it with this whole "Osama took little kids' balls" thing. As it turns out, thanks to an investigation, we now know that the people who lived in the terrorist mastermind's compound not only kept neighborhood kids' soccer balls, but they kept cricket balls that came over the walls, too. And, by speaking with a 12-year-old neighbor, CNN learned that a "fat guy with a goatee and moustache" lived there. Does this mean Osama bin Laden liked to play cricket? Perhaps he was behind the match fixing scandal that rocked the cricket world last year? Hopefully CNN will get to the bottom of this. We need to know.
I hate to be the one to tell you this — and on Mother's Day, of all days! — but your mom might be part of a syndicate of hardened thieves who steal credit cards and cash from distracted shoppers.
On last week's installment of Mob Wives, resident hothead Renee Graziano—who routinely forgets that her reign as a "Mob Princess," much like the 1980s, are long over—had a total freakout when her mafioso ex-husband, Junior, was busted by the feds. This caused Renee to question whether her lingering ties to La Cosa Nostra were worth all the trouble. Tonight, she vowed a change.
One arranged marriage to a Hellenic blogging empress and massive employee cull later, obsolescence-battling internet service AOL finally finds itself facing the music. But despite an 86% tumble in profits, chief executive and content cheerleader Tim Armstrong remains unflappably optimistic about the company's prospects. His plans might be bold, he acknowledges to The New York Times, but they're working!
Gaze upon this painting—Le Grande Odalisque ("The Big Odalisque"), by the French artist Ingres. What do you think? Is it as fun as looking at your boyfriend? No? It doesn't matter what you think! Your brain loves it.
