A group of hibernating black bears who supposedly worked as security guards for some alleged Farmer Potpusher in British Columbia should be waking up really soon, says B.C. province's environmental minister. If the bears don't learn how to forage fast, they might be goners.

A "near-riot" broke out in the crowd at a Beijing Apple store on Saturday, a day after the iPad 2 went on sale, sending four to the hospital and smashing a glass door.

Former vice president Dick Cheney took a break from feasting on his Mother's Day breakfast of Crisco porridge and deep-fried chrysanthemums to appear on television and call for the reinstatement of waterboarding, one of America's most popular intelligence-gathering techniques.

Police in Gothenberg, Sweden are looking for a furry who committed armed robbery and fired a few shots at a local bank. Their first challenge: Figuring out whether the robber was a monkey or a bear.

In-the-know Americans have been getting ready for May 21, when Jesus is going to return to Earth and kick off the Rapture—aka "Judgment Day." Hopefully you're prepared for all the excitement to come, yes?

Osama Bin Laden kept "natural Viagra" next to his bed, along with blood pressure and ulcer medications. Did he fall victim to one of those emails? Or was he just buying packets of "Horny Goat Weed" from the Abbotabad gas station?

The owner of the Taste of Philly Cheesesteak and Hoagie Shoppe in Crystal River, Florida (it's where the Crystal Ships are manufactured) has been told she has to stop flying six patriotic flags in front of her place because of a local ordinance limiting people to only three flags. Why does Crystal River hate America?

Justin Bieber locks a C.S.I. producer in a closet and punches a cake. David Beckham crashes his car. And Eva Longoria throws a waterproof baby shower. Sunday gossip is going to call its mom right after this, it promises.

Last night, HBO premiered the highly anticipated Lady Gaga Presents the Monster Ball Tour: At Madison Square Garden, a 120-minute concert special—filmed over two sold-out February nights—that showcased the pop star in the core of her element: Performing for thousands of adoring fans, on her own terms and with an off-the-charts level of spectacle only Gaga can conjure up.

Is your pediatrician trying to take away your gun? (Probably!) You should move to Florida, where a new law would prevent pediatricians from asking about guns in the home. Thanks, NRA, for telling doctors what they can, and can't, do.

Just in case you forgot: Mother's Day is today! Alert, alert! You have just hours to scramble and get her something nice and thoughtful. But be careful what you get. Different gifts say different things about you.

So, Tina Fey hosted Saturday Night Live this week! She was OK, but nothing from the episode really stood out... that is, until Bill Hader reprised his role as Stefon—Weekend Update's club-hopping "City Correspondent"—who came armed with the most ridiculous suggestions imaginable for a Mother's Day out. The bit succeeded in its own right, but the fact that Hader broke character about 20 times to regain his composure made everything funnier.

Jonathan Martis of Omaha was shot by police on Thursday after calling them to his house. His mother says he had been feeling depressed and telling people he wanted to die. But this fact doesn't fully explain why he was dressed up as a pirate.

Rita Chretien, a Canadian woman who, along with her husband, had gone missing in late March in northwest Nevada was found alive by hunters on Friday, having survived for seven weeks on trail mix and snow.

Maybe the "don't try to force students to sell drugs for you" page had been torn out of Anthony Davis' "How to Be a Successful Student Aide" handbook, because that's what he allegedly went ahead and did.

The morning crew at KTLA Los Angeles aren't the first people to make the connection between the "shake weight" and the, uh, you-know-what. But they are willing to drag it out for four minutes. On a news show. [via Reddit]

Warren Buffett, Melinda Gates, and some other middle-class Americans got together in Arizona to talk about giving some of their hard-earned dollars away to less successful, less ambitious Americans, and also "meet each other, compare notes, eat and laugh." They hope you'll follow their example.

A computer at the University of Texas at Austin recently claimed responsibility for a terrorist bombing. It had not, in fact, bombed anyone, which is reassuring; less reassuring is the fact that the computer made those claims because it is schizophrenic. Indeed: researchers at the fine institution had induced something resembling schizophrenia in DISCERN, a "neural network... [that] can learn natural languages" and remember and repeat "simple stories," by increasing its rate of learning "so that it did not forget at normal rates." And, lo:

Gird your loins, everyone, because with Thor opening this weekend, the long summer slog of superhero movies is upon us. Some of them are so good, but some of them are so damn crappy. That's why I've devised a simple formula to figure out which is which.

As part of our ongoing coverage of Starbucks-related danger, we bring you the sad, sad tale of a tussle between one South Florida teen and his thirsty mom. O Starbucks, how your drinks are tearing this nation asunder!