You were, likely, worried about the ability of Comcast-NBC to push effectively for its interests on Capitol Hill. Sorry — we mean, push for the interests of American consumers. But worry no more! The cable giant has hired Meredith Attwell Baker for "a top DC lobbying job," and we have a feeling she's going to do a great job. You've heard of Baker — she used to be one of the Republican commissioners of the FCC. Four months ago, she voted to approve the NBC-Comcast merger? But that was four whole months ago, so Comcast probably forgot about it before they hired her.

A high school class in Louisville, Ky. just went on the best field trip, ever! If you like finding bodies. Because that's what they did! They found a body, face-down "by a creek behind the school in a wooded area."

Who killed Osama Bin Laden? Why, anti-Cardassian rebels fighting in former Federation colonies, obviously. Didn't you catch the broadcast on German channel N24? The news organization seems to have pulled a fan-made logo for the "Maquis Special Operations," a rebel terrorist group featured in Star Trek: The Next Generation, and presented it as the emblem for the Navy SEAL group that shot Bin Laden in Pakistan. Host Mick Locher even analyzed it! "And they also have the ‘Team Six,' that carried out the mission," he noted. "They don't have the skull in their emblem for nothing." Well, not, they don't, it's just that the skull, as close examination will reveal, is a Klingon skull. [TrekMovie.com via Fox News]

The city council in Garden Grove, California, voted unanimously to ban naked waitresses in their coffee houses. Apparently these establishments, mostly in Orange County's Little Saigon neighborhood, have waitresses who wear see-through bras and panties which leave nothing to the imagination. And it gets better!

The state of Florida, somewhat famously, finally got around to banning bestiality last week. But, as the blog Southern Fried Science points out, there might be something wrong with the language used in the bill—specifically that it bans sex with "an animal." Did you know that humans are "animals," too?

America's one-time favorite British person almost joined the cast of America's one-time favorite sitcom. A match made in sad heaven! Also today: news from Cannes, a bloody upfront scares us all, and of course Hunger Games casting news.

Newt Gingrich is in it, and he's in it to win it! He is running for president of America, in 2012. He announced this on Twitter around 4:30 this afternoon, just as he promised two days ago that he'd announce it on Twitter. Kind of kills the spontaneity of it all, no? And the tweet linked to his announcement video at Newt.org, which hasn't been loading ever since. We used our master sleuth skills to find it on YouTube, but still: Improve your traffic capacity, candidate.

Bedbugs carrying a drug-resistant MRSA germ have been discovered in Vancouver. It's unclear whether the bedbugs can give the germ to humans—we might have even given it to them—but the story is pretty close to the platonic ideal for public health panics. (Needs more obesity.) It's a fractal of insidious bugs! Zoom in, zoom out, on the micro level, on the macro level: Bugs! A bugaboo of bugs, butt-ugly and bugging us until we bug out.

Former Alaskan youth hockey player Levi Johnson, who knocked up Bristol Palin three years ago, was famous for two more years after that, and now is not very famous, has a hot new book comin' out. Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin's Crosshairs will hit stores September 27, and now the cover has been released. Look up and to the right — there it is! Oh, golly. [via Political Wire]

Donald Trump let Rolling Stone in on his hair routine: "OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don't dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour."

Two earthquakes hit southern Spain in quick succession today, resulting in several deaths and widespread damage. This comes on the day some predicted an earthquake would destroy Rome, which resulted in thousands fleeing the city. Looks like the prophesy was only off by a few countries. Let's hope those exiled Italians didn't head to Spain.

What say we check the headlines for a new installation of that old segment, Morons With Signs On Their Lawns, hmm? Let's see here... well look at that, it's a moron with a sign on his lawn! Michael Heick of Amherst, New York — the moron — lives next to a mosque, but can't stand their flashy lights. So the sign he's put on his lawn says, "BOMB MAKING NEXT DRIVEWAY." Take that, fuckers!

A 12-year-old British schoolboy who organized rally to liberate shorts made a trenchant observation yesterday. Chris Whitehead—whose "discriminatory" school uniform code permits skirts for girls but no corollary warm weather option for boys—told a reporter:

Lindsay Lohan formally submitted her "no contest" plea to the misdemeanor theft of a necklace today, and the judge decided she will serve no time beyond the 120 days she has already been sentenced for violating probation.

In Google's war with Facebook, Google's "don't be evil" motto could be a casualty. The search engine is now leveraging your private Gmail information to get an edge in the social networking wars. It's creepy.

In the oddly satisfying slow-motion backlash against Groupon, one of the chief objections from business owners is that Groupon takes a hefty cut of the proceeds for doing nothing but selling the coupons, leaving the businesses themselves with all the work and all the risk.

Even al Qaeda has confirmed that Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals. But Osama bin Laden's son, Omar bin Laden, says he and his family are "not convinced" his father is dead.

Oh prom! The most important time in any teenagers life where all the details of what dress to wear, what limo to get, and what substances to take seem so important. Well, they're not. But they do make for good television and great Glee.

Aw, talk about a Gift of the Magi-type situation (sort of). A senior at Shelton High School in Connecticut wanted to make a grand gesture when inviting his "good friend" (riiiight) to the prom, but now that gesture has gotten him banned from the very prom he hoped to attend.

The wretched anti-gay bill that's been bumming around Uganda's parliament since 2009 came perilously close to passage today, the last day of the country's legislative session. This, again, is the one that would jail for life those who participate in "homosexual acts," and also imprison landlords who rent rooms to known homosexuals. The original version of the bill mandated the death penalty for "active homosexuals living with HIV," but that has since been dropped. Still, kind of a rough bill! Good thing they decided to shelve it today.