Happy Rapture, everyone! Are you still here? We're making a list of everything that has been taken to Heaven to kick it with Jesus, and we need your help.

The 32-year-old man who got drunk, wrapped chain around his neck, got into a life raft with a big black box of sand, and floated down the James River is not a terrorist. That much we know.

Despite being home to the sexiest national park (Arches) and the sexiest salt water lake (Great Salt Lake), Utah doesn't want you to think of it as a sexy state. And so, in an attempt to make it easier for police to arrest prostitutes, the state has gone ahead and outlawed acting sexy altogether.

The sun-kissed people of Newport Beach, California, are riled and swollen with anger because some of their town's 13 lifeguards make more than $200,000 a year. That's more than what some of America's hard-working business executives make!

Avast, mateys! Another weekend has arrived and, though some brave indies are jumping into the cinema fray with it, most everyone else has gotten out of the way of the big boat captained by Johnny Depp. Probably a wise move.

Henceforth, P. Diddy will be known as "Swag," according to CNN. Well, for one week only. Of all of Diddy's many name changes, this is the dumbest.

Justin Bieber just launched a new perfume called "Someday." He told Women's World Daily "I have such a deep connection with my fans, so creating a fragrance that I personally love is another way I can bring them closer to my world."

On today's Oprah Winfrey Show—the last before next week's grand finale—the Queen of Daytime revealed her favorite guest of all time. Taking top honors was Dr. Tererai Trent, who broke free of poverty and abuse in her native Zimbabwe to achieve success. Trent's big dream has been to open a school for girls in her home village. And it was realized today when Winfrey surprised her on the air with a $1.5 million donation.

During one of Ellen DeGeneres's wacky games on her daytime laffs show today, a contestant was asked "What is the name of the First Lady?" And, yikes, she just couldn't remember it!

Ever wonder what happened to the "Don't Tase Me, Bro" kid? We figured was making a living getting electrocuted in front of crowds of drunk businessmen for cash. But the Washington Post tracked him down: He's going to law school!

Virginia restaurateur Henry Allen Fitzsimmons has hit upon a welfare plan the GOP can get behind: He sought out vulnerable young women who needed help and gave them money for education and childcare. All he asked in return was that they submit to being spanked, by him, on demand.

Have you seen Gigolos? What? You haven't? You really need to check out this Showtime soft-core reality show about a bunch of male prostitutes. It is, simply put, the craziest thing on television.

Earlier this month, an anonymous Twitter user caused an uproar for tweeting rumors that hadn't surfaced in the press previously because of the gag laws—known as "superinjunctions"—that British celebs use to squash embarrassing stories. Now, a professional soccer player—sorry, "footballer," is suing not just every Twitter user who named him, but the entire company. This should be fun.

In a interview this week with Fox News, bespectacled musician Moby talked about all the internet haterz and how they make him feel bad, and he specifically mentioned you, Gawker readers.

If we have learned anything about you, the Gawker Readers, it is that most of you are constantly finding yourselves in romantic situations that you consider "creepy." Thank god we came along as an outlet for your not-so-sexxxy stories.

Here's a trailer for Straw Dogs, a remake of the brutal 1971 Sam Peckinpah thriller about a nerdy man forced into violence by some angry townsfolk.

The battle over federally subsidized loans for for-profit colleges is one of the biggest in Washington these days, as the Education Department is finalizing its rules to crack down on this shady industry which some might suggest only exists to take money from poor people. But still, how is one supposed to resist the industry's recruiting ads showing sexy coeds in their pajamas?

Sheena Upton, the artist formerly known as Botox Mom Kerry Campbell, tricked Good Morning America into paying $10,000 to a "British booker" for her made-up story. Now GMA wants its money back.

Last night on the Americans Against Bullying Present Bully for You: A Fashion Celebration to End Bullies Bullying everyone was a bully, except for Countess Crackerjack. She was a thug. A thug in a cocktail dress. A thug is just like a bully, except it wears bigger necklaces.

Is Harvard getting into the internet porn game? Using some creative Googling, ZDnet's Stephen Chapman found pages of pervy links, keywords and images on official Harvard websites.