Even though Governor Rick Perry is praying for rain, Texas is still suffering from its worst drought in more than a century and Fourth of July fireworks shows across the state are being canceled as counties issue emergency bans on the flammable fun balls. What does this all mean? As Stephen Colbert explained on tonight's Report, it means that it's time to put Texas in its place for subverting Americans' desire to celebrate our independence by blowing crap up.

So shadowy digital repo concern Specific Media took MySpace off News Corp.'s hands for the joke sum of 35 million dollars. Thirty-five million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool? Thirty-five billion dollars. And how do you make that much money? By getting Justin Timberlake to align his triple-platinum swag with your cobweb-strewn social networking relic.

Only one protestor showed up outside the Alcoa plant where President Obama was speaking on Tuesday, but he made his appearance count. Meet Richard McCaslin, of California, who wore striped pants and a matching "THOUGHT CRIME" hat, and held a sign that said "REPTOID ROYALTY: NO BLUE BLOODS IN THE WHITE HOUSE." Let him explain that to you:

Tomorrow is the final broadcast of the Glenn Beck show on Fox News. To mark the occasion, Media Matters has put together a mesmerizing 10-minute highlight reel of Beck's most terrifying and hallucinatory moments: "Requiem for a Rodeo Clown." It is truly artful. He will be missed.

The gay dominos are falling! The Rhode Island State Senate passed a bill legalizing civil unions on Wednesday, sending the measure to Gov. Lincoln Chafee, who's expected to sign it. Next up: Man-quahog weddings (catered by Del's). [Providence Journal]

During his big press conference today, President Obama was asked about Congress' refusal thus far to raise the nation's debt ceiling. After imploring Republican lawmakers to stop procrastinating and "get this done," Obama took a shot at them by praising his daughters' study habits: "Malia and Sasha generally finish their homework a day ahead of time. Malia's 13, Sasha's 10... they don't wait until the night before!"

Cameras at an astronomical observatory in Hawaii captured this amazing... thing last week. It appears to be a sort of... flare? Astronomy blogger Phil Plait describes it as an "[a]wesomely weird expanding halo of light." We are pretty sure it is the Star Gate!

Our old friends at the Westboro Baptist Church—you know, the "God Hates Fags" guys—briefly expanded their gross little empire! To the FBI, of all things, where church big-shot Tim Phelps was invited to address agents several times "as part of the bureau's counterterrorism training program." Hmm.

School's out! And what better way to celebrate than with a dip in the pool? Just make sure there aren't any dead bodies floating in it! For two days!

Glenn Beck absolutely will not shut up about The Time A Woman Accidentally Spilled Wine On His Wife! On Wednesday he spent a full 10 minutes on his radio show tearing into a moviegoer who says he's greatly exaggerated his family's brush with death at an outdoor movie.

The man behind this rage-inducing ATM receipt? None other than David Tepper, founder of hedge fund Appaloosa Management, who keeps both a high balance in his savings account and brass replicas of testicles on his desk. [Dealbreaker]

The premise of ABC's 101 Ways to Leave a Game Show is that if a contestant answers a question incorrectly, he or she is tortured in some elaborate way. Awesome, right? The lame part is all the crazy stunts are padded out with lots of time-killing filler. Well, not anymore!

Because there are too many shows about teachers and scientists and artists and hobos out there, one network is boldly doing a show about lawyers. Also today: a doctor becomes a ghost dad and Joe Rogan is back, ladies.

John Lennon was shot and killed in 1980 just after the election of Ronald Reagan, and it's this pairing of events that symbolized the end of the political Left. Maybe? I just made that up, but it seems like one of those things people would say. But what if John Lennon was a secret Ronald Reagan lover in the end? That's what Lennon's last personal assistant is claiming.

Can you guess who has been spotted in Lenoir County, North Carolina? That's right, it's Jesus again, in his familiar "on the crucifix" pose. (Get a new pose already, Jesus!) On toast? No, in kudzu! He is everywhere.

Anti-Kim Jong Il graffiti was found on the wall of a college in Pyongyang. Of course, the government couldn't just wash it off. They locked down the entire capital to hunt for the culprit

President Obama held a press conference at the White House today! The questions came fast and furious — actually rather slowly, since he talks for 10 minutes at a time — and now all Americans are 100% informed about every issue. Here's an executive summary.

How much do you have in your checking account? Probably enough to cover rent and the five vodka tonics it will take to make you forget that you just paid rent and are now officially tapped out. Right? Well, this one jackass keeps $100 million in his account.

Not happy with all the eardrum damage caused by her first aural abomination, Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is back with a new song and a new video, this time co-starring some other Real Housewives of New York. Know what? It's not completely horrible!

Rumors of MySpace selling for scrap were correct: The dying social network has been sold to the advertising network Specific Media for $35 million, according to All Things Digital. Remember, News Corp. paid $580 for the site in 2005.