Since we happened across a nice-sized sample of Roger Ailes' handwriting on this 15-page Nixon-era blueprint for what would eventually become Fox News Channel, we thought we'd engage the services of a handwriting analyst to see if his signature offered a view into his black, black heart.

A man in Kansas City was arrested yesterday afternoon for sexually assaulting a woman on the sidewalk in the middle of the day. When the cops discovered him with his pants unbuckled trying to run away, he told them, "I thought that lady was dead." Oh man.

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo became the nation's progressive superhero and pre-determined 2016 Democratic nominee for president just last week, with the legalization of same-sex marriage. So what's next for this once-in-a-generation liberal lion? How about ditching the state's moratorium on dangerous hydraulic fracturing for natural gas? Hmm.

Here's a trailer for Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy a very classy looking adaptation of the novel by the great John le Carré. It's chock-full of notable British actors so you know it has to be good. And will make absolutely no money.

Over in the U.K. they like to stand by their traditions and do things a certain way. That still doesn't excuse Carolyn Bourne from sending an overly bitchy email to her future daughter-in-law, Heidi Withers, about her "rude behavior." Who is ruder here?

The Republican party's ability to spontaneously organize around anything, just to show that they can, is a thing of beauty. President Obama wants a few hundred billion dollars in revenue increases to go along the $2 trillion in cuts that you want? Don't give in a cent, walk out, let the president excoriate you, and then get your entire 47-member Senate caucus to demand a comical balanced budget constitutional amendment as part of a debt-ceiling agreement, too.

The US Department of Education has a handy new website that allows you to easily compare the prices of all types of colleges in America. Its real purpose is to keep us up-to-date on who to make fun of.

Republican media strategist Roger Ailes launched Fox News Channel in 1996, ostensibly as a "fair and balanced" counterpoint to what he regarded as the liberal establishment media. But according to a remarkable document buried deep within the Richard Nixon Presidential Library, the intellectual forerunner for Fox News was a nakedly partisan 1970 plot by Ailes and other Nixon aides to circumvent the "prejudices of network news" and deliver "pro-administration" stories to heartland television viewers.

The Federal Election Commission gets it — Stephen Colbert is punking them. But they treated his request for an advisory opinion like anyone else, and on Thursday granted him the ability to form a "super PAC" and have his parent company Viacom pay for most of the costs of the PAC's activities without having to disclose most expenditures as in-kind donations.

It's not exactly news that a lot of house paint colors have wacky names. But they have apparently become even more wacky as paint companies become increasingly desperate to sell to a U.S. homeowner population so behind on their mortgage payments they're papering their walls with free subway newspapers.

Huma Abedin—improbably attractive wife of exhibitionist former congressman Anthony Weiner and right-hand woman to Hillary Clinton—is taking a vacation from her job and her marriage, the New York Post reports:

Good morning, you bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit-eating motherfuckers. Here's a brand new video from the group Mercy For Animals, showing exactly where that bacon you love so much comes from.

Lindsay Lohan is free at last, and returning to old habits. Prince Harry woos a lingerie model. Denise Richards adopts a baby girl. Justin and Selena say "I love you." Thursday gossip is ba-a-ack.

This actor's kid hasn't even been born yet and he's already not giving money to the mother. This actress is cheating on her new boyfriend. And this reality star got three different women pregnant at the same time. This is not what to expect when you're expecting.

Mark Halperin, the always-wrong journopundit who serves as a frequent MSNBC talking head, was on Morning Joe this morning—where, naturally, he was whining about how mean the president was to the simpering DC press corps during his press conference yesterday. "Are we on the seven second delay? I wanted to characterize how I thought the president behaved," said Halperin, setting up what you knew would be one whopper of a funny joke.

It's early, but this should be a lock for Most Awful Story of the Day: Isayah Muller (pictured) graduated from high school in the Bronx on Tuesday. Afterwards, he went out to a celebration dinner with his family. When his father, Andre, got back in the car after the dinner, he found that a $200 bottle of cologne was missing. Andre, with his family in the car, drove back to the parking garage where he'd been parked and confronted the attendants there, accusing them of stealing the cologne. They let him search the office. He couldn't find it. So, police say, he attacked one of the parking attendants, punching him. The other attendant grabbed a knife to defend his colleague.

Shortly after being fired as Facebook president, Sean Parker was ejected from Bungalow 8 for piercing the eardrums of Lindsay Lohan and her entourage with his drunken screams. Five years later, the pair very much appear to have made up.

No Strings Attached. Friends With Benefits. Friends With Strings. Attached With Benefits. Are there any differences to any of these movies? Not really. One stars an overexposed, overconfident pretty boy who fancies himself a high tech mogul, and so does the other one. One features an actress that starred as a prima ballerina in the movie Black Swan, and so does the other one. One is a shitty romcom about falling in love with a fuckbuddy, and so is the other one. THEY ARE THE SAME MOVIE, YOU SEE. Still not convinced? Then watch this video. [via BoingBoing]

Given his well-documented affinity for NeNe Leakes, it should come as no surprise that Anderson Cooper is quite fond of Bravo's Real Housewives series, a fact he finally admitted this week. But even a superfan like Cooper had to acknowledge the tragedy that is Countess LuAnn de Lesseps' new music video, which—along with the other pop star wannabe Housewives—served as the subject of his "Ridiculist" segment on Wednesday night's AC360.

This is disconcerting. Almost a month to the day after two women plunged from a 10th floor window of the W Hotel in Atlanta, killing one and leaving the other in critical condition, another woman has died falling from a W Hotel.