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What's Opening in Theaters This Weekend

Richard Lawson · 09/16/11 05:00PM

Fall is in full-swing, with gritty action movies, kooky sex comedies, and wistful dramas all flooding into the theaters. Let's take a look at those films and everything else that's opening.

This Week in Commenter Executions: Killing the Grunts

Brian Moylan · 09/16/11 04:00PM

I had a friend who used to call diarrhea "the grunts." But the grunts we have around here are just the opposite. Rather than an unwanted and heavy flow, these grunts have little or nothing to say but just want to be heard. No more!

You Will Soon Collapse in a Heap

Hamilton Nolan · 09/16/11 02:30PM

Metal hips! NYC smoking! Laughter medicine! Milk drinking! Teen vaccine! Child poison! Arnica healing! China babies! And smooth, smooth magnetic kiddie weirdos! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while we must be trippin!

Jersey Shore: Girl on Girl Action

Brian Moylan · 09/16/11 12:59PM

Now that we've taken the eight guidos from Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time, out of their natural habitat, they deserve a vacation! At the Italian shore a strange love develops, and then there is an accident. Guidos in peril!

Qaddafi's Son Is Bisexual and Other Things the New York Times Doesn't Want You to Know

John Cook · 09/16/11 12:48PM

Now that Wikileaks has been forced by circumstance to release the full, unredacted archive of its 250,000-plus classified diplomatic cables, we can see what the New York Times voluntarily redacted, at the request of the State Department, from the cables that it published. Among the things it hid: Muammar Qaddafi has a bisexual son, and a Reuters correspondent is a source for State Department intelligence.

'What Is There to Worry About?' Jill Abramson Unwisely Asks

Hamilton Nolan · 09/16/11 12:20PM

In your grudging Friday media column: Jill Abramson is complacent, the WaPo and the Daily Mail bitch at one another, investigative reporters take a hit, job changes at Conde Nast, and Reuters is ambitious.

Let's Make Fun of the Celebrities at Fashion Week

Brian Moylan & Maureen O'Connor · 09/16/11 11:40AM

For the past seven days Fashion Week took over New York, so there were plenty of stars in town who needed their outfits critiqued. Watch the latest episode of Gawkerazzi where we take Beyoncé, Angelina Jolie, Nicki Minaj, Kelly Osbourne, and others to task for what they wore to sit by the runways.

Predicting Sunday Night's Emmy Winners

Richard Lawson · 09/16/11 11:30AM

Emmys! Television's highest honors (after the Peabodys and the TV Guide Awards) will be doled out on Sunday night to an approx. three million lucky TV actors and creators. Who will win? Who should win? Let's take a look!

Retirement Planning for a Post-Retirement Era

Hamilton Nolan · 09/16/11 10:40AM

"Retirement." Historians tell us that the word refers to an obsolete ancient practice of living out your elderly years engaged in leisure activities, rather than in scavenging soda cans from neighborhood recycling bins to supplement your meager Wal-Mart greeter's paycheck.

Brad Pitt: Marrying Aniston Made Me a Boring Couch Potato

Maureen O'Connor · 09/16/11 10:25AM

Brad Pitt laments the years he spent sitting around getting high with Jen. Lindsay Lohan throws a drink at a photographer. A tween star dresses his penis up like an elephant. Anna Faris: "I hope somebody roofies me tonight!" TGIFriday gossip.

Which Young Star Is Sending Her Boss Nude Photos?

Brian Moylan · 09/16/11 09:11AM

This tween TV star's naked photos got someone on her show fired. This celeb had sex with multiple ex-girlfriends in one day and this actress ruined her face with plastic surgery. From nude photo scandal to plastic surgery scandal: this is the life cycle of the modern actress.

50 Cent Playing Coy With Presidential Endorsement

Hamilton Nolan · 09/16/11 09:05AM

Since the day of Barack Obama's inauguration, pundits and purveyors of "horse race" political journalism have been asking with increasing fervor: who will disconcertingly baby-voiced rapper and Vitamin Water vendor and trusted political power broker 50 Cent endorse in 2012?

Premium Rush: Bike Messengers Are People Too

Richard Lawson · 09/16/11 08:49AM

Here's a trailer for Premium Rush, the New York thriller movie that features Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a fast-pedalin' bike messenger caught up in some gnarly intrigue. Whoa, man, slow down!

Pair Honor Dead Friend by Stealing His ATM Card

Jeff Neumann · 09/16/11 06:30AM

The night of August 27th must have been bittersweet for Robert Jeffrey Young and Mark Rubinson, of Denver, Colorado. It started around 11pm, when Young stopped in to see his old friend Jeffrey Jarrett, who was going to let Young couch surf at his place for a while. But Jarrett was dead when Young arrived.

The 'Private Bank of Denny Ray Hardin' Wasn't a Real Bank

Lauri Apple · 09/16/11 06:28AM

After reading some books about banking, Denny Ray Hardin set up a website, created 2,000 fake promissory notes, and opened up "the Private Bank of Denny Ray Hardin" (not necessarily in that order) from his home in Kansas City. How entrepreneurial! And illegal.

This Guy Stuffed Almost a Kilo of Cocaine Down His Throat

Jeff Neumann · 09/16/11 05:00AM

Just imagine you're a 20-year-old guy wrapping up a Brazilian vacation, and you've got managed to fit close to a kilo of cocaine down your throat before heading to the airport. Oh, the raging parties you'll throw! And the money! And the ladies. But then you're kindly asked at the airport to submit to a medical scan. Via MSNBC's Photoblog, we learn that these images are of a 20-year-old Irish man who was arrested on September 12 at Congonhas airport in Sao Paulo, Brazil.

Arizona Man Gives the Best Description of a Car Crash Ever

Matt Cherette · 09/16/11 04:22AM

A Phoenix man became trapped inside his SUV on Thursday after he lost control of the vehicle, causing it to roll over and strike a utility pole. In the process, the driver rear-ended another vehicle driven by a man named George Lindell, who later described the events to local Fox affiliate KSAZ-TV in this amazing interview that you must watch immediately. After all, "Reality hits you hard, bro." [MyFoxPhoenix; Thanks to Mike Byhoff for the tip]

Company Wins Right to Sell 'F—ing Schnapps'

Lauri Apple · 09/16/11 04:12AM

A German company has won the right to register "ficken," which is the German word for "fuckin'," as a trademark in order to sell Ficken Likör—aka the People's Partyschnaps—as well as mineral water, other refreshing beverages, and clothing.