Fourteen-year-old Brian Thompson was handcuffed, placed in a cop car, and suspended from school for 10 days, all because he ran down the sidelines at half-time during a football game while wearing a banana costume. At least he wasn't arrested!
Looks like our skepticism regarding Percy Foster—the 35-year-old dwarf, Gordon Ramsay look-a-like, and porn star whose murder by hungry Welsh badgers captivated the world/Internet—was well-founded: Foster seems to be a made-up man, as mythical as the Gordon Ramsay look-a-like unicorn and the Gordon Ramsay look-a-like minotaur.
If you watched the all-new, Charlie Sheen-less Two and a Half Men Monday night, you caught a gag in which the recently dead Charlie's ashes are accidentally tossed all over the place. The kind of thing you only see in a sitcom? Perhaps, but nevertheless, it served to underscore what a dusty mess cremains really are. But now there's an alternative: liquefaction!
The latest bizarre twist to the Michele Bachmann campaign, which has quickly devolved into the political equivalent of sticking a 7x7 blotter of bad acid directly to your eyeballs, involves recent claims she made linking HPV vaccines to mental retardation in young girls. Now Bachmann is backtracking, telling the AP — in a story titled, "Bachmann says vaccine retardation claim not hers" — that she was simply "relaying what a woman had said...I wasn't attesting to her accuracy. I wasn't attesting to anything."
Ahead of Wednesday's premiere of The X Factor, Simon Cowell is in full promotional mode. Tonight's PR pit stop brought Cowell to The Tonight Show, where he shared some brutally honest opinions of his three X Factor co-judges to Jay Leno.
The NYT has an interesting piece on Topix, an online news aggregator and bulletin board that has been kicking around for a decade, but never really caught on in urban centers. But in rural, small town America — where casting aspersions is a way of life — it's flourishing as the hot place to post shit about your friends and neighbors. Like the ones you run into at Dee's Place, for example, a diner in Mountain Grove, Missouri.
A marauding gang of cross-dressing bandits stand accused of stealing "thousands of dollars of filmy fabrics, sequins, feather boas and other accessories" from stores across Florida. This loathsome act of scrunchie-jacking larceny has produced some of the best eyewitness quotes from any single news story in recent memory. Orlando Sentinel, you are the best.
Look, we're all for taking an interest in your children's extra-curricular activities, but we draw the line at going all hockey groupie on members of your son's team. (Actually, we draw the line way before that.) Sadly, Katia Maria Davis, a 44-year-old mom from Laguna Niguel, looks to have felt differently, as she was arrested last Wednesday on suspicion of having sex with two members of the Beach City Lightning, her son's youth hockey team. One was "under 16" at the time of the alleged incidents, thought to have occurred around six years ago. The other was "under 14."
Tonight's Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen featured jokes so offensive we almost felt guilty laughing at them, all told rapid-fire in one bit after another. That's probably why Sheen's more subdued remarks at the end balanced out the otherwise crazy 90 minutes.
There's a rumor going around Arizona about a black fellow claiming to be president, and Sheriff Joe Arpaio, is going to get to the bottom of it—even if it gets him tons of press kills him.
Tot Mom, meet Tit Mom. The 13th season of Dancing with the Stars premiered tonight with a fresh crop of celebrity competitors to break in its brand new set. One of the show's most anticipated moments was the appearance of perpetually angry grief pornographer Nancy Grace. You know, so we could all see how angry she was.
Netflix announced this morning that it's renaming its mail-order DVD service "Qwikster." But it seems to have forgotten to check that the Twitter account @Qwikster was available. It wasn't: An affable stoner named Jason has been using it as a personal account for months. "that'sSoEmbracing," he says.
It's been a long, hard Dancing with the Stars-free summer, but tonight, a dozen new celebrity contenders will sashay across the ballroom floor for the judges' score (and our votes) as Season 13 gets officially underway. So why not watch and comment along with everyone else right here in this post!
MySpace had a big summer "coming out party" planned for itself, to prove that it was full of new energy . Investor Justin Timberlake was going to be there and everything! Sadly, the social network had to cancel this party, because it continues to die.
Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan get all the press, but they're hardly Silicon Valley's only pair with ten figures between them. Dropbox's twentysomething CEO Drew Houston just became a billionaire — and we hear he didn't reach that milestone alone.
Liberals can finally stop occupying Wall Street and screeching pointlessly on their insular blog sites: President Barack Obama is going to tax the rich! He's finally standing up to Wall Street and throwing all his weight behind this symbolic gesture which will do little to fill the yawing gap of empire-induced debt! He just announced his firm intentions today. Already, the economy is crumbling.
Yes, homosexuals, you can openly serve in your nation's military starting tomorrow. There's even a letter on officially Army stationery and everything. That seems so fancy and...well, gay!
