A marauding gang of cross-dressing bandits stand accused of stealing "thousands of dollars of filmy fabrics, sequins, feather boas and other accessories" from stores across Florida. This loathsome act of scrunchie-jacking larceny has produced some of the best eyewitness quotes from any single news story in recent memory. Orlando Sentinel, you are the best.

Examples:

  • "It's a whole gang of drag queens," said Amanda Marshall, manager of Jo-Ann Fabrics on East Colonial Drive in Orlando, where police arrested three suspects Sunday afternoon. "They were real upset when the police made them take their wigs off."
  • "We've never caught them red-handed but that sounds just like them," said Mark Sauer, the owner of the Sewing Studio Fabric Superstore on U.S. Highway 17-92 in Maitland. "In my memory, they had been coming in on Friday nights in a group. They wore makeup but I don't remember them wearing dresses."
  • "They'd come in and order yards of fabric at up to $39.99 a yard, stuff it in their man purses and leave without paying," Marshall said. "Oh, gosh, they could wipe out a whole section of boas in seconds…"

Oh my god stop it right now you are killing me. Wait, there's more!

A man wearing a tank top and multi-color tights was spotted putting these items in a handbag: Five packs of black feathers, two packs of red feathers, two packs of red lace gloves, two packs of black red lace gloves, eyelashes, five bra pads, five butt pads, five gel inserts as well as three handbags, two boas, three pairs of costume glasses and 10 bandanas.

Pepper H. LaBeija, it's like they're stocking up for drag queen armageddon up in here! OK, just one last thing and I'm done:

When confronted, some of the suspects handed over merchandise to the staff while others bolted through the front door. One of them, Demitri Marsh, 19, swore at a clerk and threatened to cut her before fleeing, reports state.

And: scene. [orlandosentinel.com, screengrab via 13 News]