Patrick Graves, a 51-year-old father of three, committed suicide on Thursday, locking himself in his car and shooting himself once in the head in front of coworkers after learning he'd lost his job.

Kanye West, whose blood, at this point, has almost entirely been replaced with cocaine, has decided that, in addition to releasing embarrassing rap albums every year, he will design women's clothing. He debuted his first collection, Dw Kanye West, in Paris yesterday. No one was very enthusiastic.

Would it surprise you to learn that Texas Governor and Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry used to bring friends and colleagues around to a west Texas hunting camp called "Niggerhead"? No? Yeah, it didn't surprise us much, either.

Arizona Department of Public Safety officers stopped traffic on major Phoenix highway during morning rush hour on Thursday in order to save a rabbit from doom. Apparently Arizona cops don't hate all brown living things.

Having, apparently, nothing better to do, NYPD spent Saturday allowing Occupy Wall Street protesters to halfway-cross the Brooklyn Bridge before cutting the marchers off and arresting several people, a controversial crowd-control tactic known as "kettling." Here's an eyewitness account.

As Americans slowly masturbate their pudgy, formless bodies into oblivion, it has become increasingly clear that soon a new species will arise to fill the void once occupied by the only race to have set foot on the moon. And, lo, here is that species: The "Hairy Crazy Ant."

In response to light formations ("bat signals") in the sky, a man wearing Batman garb showed up at the main police station in Christchurch, New Zealand wondering what the emergency was. But a police officer determined that the man was too "scrawny" to be the actual Batman, and dismissed him as an imposter. Guess they didn't hear about Batman's Sensa diet.

British animator Sarah Wickens uses sunlight as her main medium in creating this stop-motion video that features devious sun-hands slashing the wallpaper, knocking shit over, and reaching up from the floorboards as though it wished to yank someone by the ankles and pull them down into its terrifying abyss. Now we know who's been moving around our furniture when we leave home in the afternoons.

On Thursday night, China launched Tiangong-1, its first space laboratory, and the first step in an ambitious plan to build a complete manned orbiting space station by 2020. Naturally, to show off its handiwork, the Chinese government released an animated video simulating the launch of Tiangong ("Heavenly Palace"), set to the soaring strains of, uhhh, "America the Beautiful." Why? "I don't know how to answer your question," Chen Zhansheng of the CCTV propaganda told The Guardian. "I cannot help you." Clearly a ploy to lull Americans into a false sense of security while the Chinese use the space station to beam mind-control rays into the brain of their puppet-president "Barack Obama"! [Guardian]

A teacher and two teacher's aides at a Texas elementary school disciplined their special-needs fifth-graders by soaking some cotton balls in vinegar and shoving them into the kids' mouths. Some of the kids couldn't talk. If they can't talk, they can't complain.

Jason Biggs' real life is actually sort of like his American Pie life. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting some Kabbalah Kounseling. And poor Cyclops can't win. Saturday gossip is looking for its daughter, who may or may not be with a goat.

With falling stock prices, debit-card users flipping out about the company's plan to steal $5 from them every month, and a brand-new lawsuit on their hot little hands, the devil worshipers at Bank of America aren't too thrilled about reporters talking to their customers right now. But journalists must report on the news, and so the Arkansas correspondent for the New York Times stopped by a branch in Fayetteville to get some customer feedback on the bank's latest thieving scheme. B of A did not appreciate that very much.

It's just three weeks into Anderson Cooper's new daytime adventure, and the show has already devolved into the sort of unscrupulous talk-show tactics that Cooper's prime-time newsman personality would turn up his nose at: A teenager is in a coma after one of Anderson's producers encouraged him to record his reckless behavior for a show on the "teenage mind."

Maybe you were swamped at the office this week and couldn't check your favorite Gawker Media sites. Or maybe you're about to go to work and need one last distraction. Whatever the case, we've got you covered. Here are some of the best videos we watched during the week that was.

To get more young people to participate in the Satanic ritual of voting, Polish politician Jedrzej Wijas hired a death metal band for his latest campaign ad. It seems low-budget and doesn't include any bloodshed or horror-monster scenes, but it works okay. Maybe it's the dim lighting or the way he's holding himself, but Wijas comes off looking pretty fierce, like he's ready to punch someone (probably his opponent). We like that characteristic in a politician.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi have put their 26-acre compound in Hidden Valley, Calif. on the market and it's listed for $16.5 million. Considering the pair purchased the home in 2009 for around $10 million, it's likely that the market is where it will stay.

Welcome to Barack Hussein Obama's America, folks, where you can be arrested for the so-called "crime" of calling a couple you sort of know and repeatedly demanding that they have a threesome with you. Whatever happened to the constitution, I ask you!

The death of Anwar al-Awlaki, an American-born cleric linked to al Qaeda's operations in Yemen, is likely to impact American Arabs and Muslims in positive fashion, according to Dr. Hussein Ibish, former communications director for the Arab-American Anti-Discrimination Commitee.

Meanwhile, in Australia, an ultralight plane has flown—quite literally—into a ferris wheel, requiring the rescue of four people—the plane's two passengers and two kids who were on the ride. No one was hurt, except for anyone who might have been wanting to go on the ferris wheel and now will not be able to do so.

If you're looking to pitch Inspire magazine, al-Qaida's English-language webzine, you should know there's been a little bit of editorial turnover.