The morning muppets on today's episode of Fox News' illiterate dementia variety hour, Fox & Friends, had much to discuss. Well, really only Herman Cain.

There's no better argument against the privilege of wealth than Jon Corzine, the clownish former Goldman Sachs CEO who thought his facility for extracting money from a rigged financial game entitled him to run the state of New Jersey. After getting roundly rejected by voters after one term, he got a job from a friend running derivatives firm MF Global. Yesterday it went bankrupt. And today we learned that he's lost $700 million of his clients' money.

A reader sends us this photo of a note to trick-or-treaters left on a door in Las Vegas: "Porch light is off... You know what that means??? No candy here, cunts! Run back to mommy + daddy, cuz I'm a witch. Don't look back motherfuckers!"

The mighty, omniscient "journalistic tone" is largely a convenient myth. Newspapers and other media outlets long adopted this self-assured institutional writing style which admitted no doubt as a way to appear more knowledgeable than they really were. The internet, with its radical transparency and focus on personality, has eaten away at this obfuscating tone. Which is good. Sometimes.

This past-her-prime star is desperate enough to let a fellow actor walk all over her. And this reality star wants more marriages than Elizabeth Taylor. Oh, I wonder who that could be? It's so (sarcastically) hard!

A New York Post exclusive: Occupy Wall Street protesters have sex, and are not immune to STDs. And they actually get tested for them! Ew. Shame! Shaaaaaameeeeee.

Now Sun Trust and and Regions Financial have joined Wells Fargo and J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. in deciding that charging customers debit card fees on purchases is a stupid idea, the Wall Street Journal reports. This makes Bank of America the only loser bank among America's largest loser banks to keep its $5 fee plan. Way to stay strong, guys!

Kids these days: are they monsters who grew up on Mars and you shouldn't even bother trying to communicate with them, because they're monsters from Mars? As their parent, you know the answer to this is "Yes sir." That's why you are "outsourcing" the teaching of basic social skills to your own children. Who has the time?

New York Post sexologistolumnist Andrea Peyser is not one to judge others. Except uppity minorities. And whores. I mean, she practically has to judge whores. Can't just have whores walking around, unjudged. Andrea Peyser's mouth is spilling over with whores.

The New York Times analyzed the attendance records of our industrious Congressional representatives and learned that almost 20 members—including presidents of The Future Ron Paul and Michele Bachmann—missed 10 percent of the votes this year. But one Congressman outshone his peers in the art of absenteeism: time-traveling garden gnome Don Young of Alaska, who missed 16 percent of the votes.

A 21-year-old Oregon woman who crawled inside a horse carcass and had her picture taken—all so she could "feel one with a horse"—will not face any criminal charges, say investigators. Now she can use the photos to design her holiday cards.

In fecal transplant therapy—also known as fecal bacteriotherapy—doctors take the poop of one person and stick it up the butt of another person. It's not for everyone! But it seems to be life-saving for people who suffer from Clostridium difficle, a disease you definitely don't want to get.

An outfit called My Porn Production hopes to add one more title to the growing international finance porn genre by making a film about ex-IMF chief/brutal love machine Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his recent hotel sex scandal, which involved rape allegations. Sexy! Will you make a financial donation and support the arts?

Harold Camping—aka "the guy with all the Raptures"—says he's "embarrassed" that his last two failed doomsday predictions on May 21 and October 21 did not pan out. In fact, he even admits that, "incidentally," he was wrong.

To see the image of Charlie — the white carriage horse who dropped dead on 54th Street after weeks of choking on taxi exhaust while transporting Midwesterners to various locations around a park they were incapable of maneuvering through the use of their own, atrophied jelly-legs — was to have your heart break. But the Horse and Carriage Association assured everyone it was just a random death. Nothing to see here, folks! Just a dead horse collapsed over a manhole cover covered in a blue tarp: "Our horses are taken care of," they assured us. Well, the necropsy results, performed by the ASPCA, are in — and Charlie was a very sick horse.

When Canadian pop star Justin Bieber isn't calling for the imprisonment of U.S. senators with whom he disagrees on the finer points of copyright law, he occasionally releases music. Like his new Christmas album, Mistletoe, which Bieber promoted on The Tonight Show on Monday, an appearance that mostly consisted of the teen idol uttering the word "like" again and again and again. Don't believe us? Watch the video and see for yourself.

Police Chief Michael Scott of Smithfield, N.C., has seen his 2012 gas budget cut by $10,000. He's about to ask the town council if he can reallocate some of his $30,000 office supply budget to pay for gas. If they don't allow it, do you know what he is going to do? That's right! He is going to let crime fester in the streets of Smithfield, like Gotham City before the Batman.

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert decided that he wanted to use his PAC's money to co-opt the Occupy Wall Street movement, so he headed down to Zuccotti Park in an attempt to learn more about the protesters that have lived there for the last six weeks. After meandering about incognito for a while, Colbert eventually found two occupiers willing to sit down for an on-camera interview. But as you'll see, they may now be regretting that decision.

Anyone who works out at a gym with any regularity is familiar with the unspoken laws of the weight room jungle: Allow fellow gymgoers to "work in"; don't grunt like a horny ape upon exertion; and, most importantly, don't lift your shirt to nipple level and admire your own abdominals in the mirror for extended periods of time. It's all pretty common sense stuff, and for the most part, people abide by it, making the gym a pleasant experience for everyone. But then, of course, there are those who don't.

Over the weekend, we learned that Herman Cain faced accusations of sexual harassment while heading the National Restaurant Association in the '90s. We also saw video of a possibly inebriated (and pretty fey) Rick Perry delivering a bizarre speech in New Hampshire. On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart poked fun at both Cain and Perry as he weighed what effect these mishaps will have on their presidential aspirations. And while it's still too early to know for sure, there was one thing of which Stewart was certain: "Mitt Romney is the luckiest Motherfudger on Earth."