Pity the Secret Service, a law enforcement agency positively stretched to its limits, what with all those mentally ill drifters from Idaho on missions from God trying to assassinate the president and whatnot. But no, that can wait, guys. Herman Cain needs some protection! (Incidentally, that's the same exclamation that began every National Restaurant Association job interview from 1997 to 1999.)
Regis Philbin bids farewell to Live! tomorrow, but he still had time to stop by tonight's Late Show. Philbin stuck around for much of the hour, during which he and David Letterman talked about making out with each other, the possibility of Jerry Seinfeld coming between them, and more. Then, Philbin crashed the Vespa that Letterman bought for him as a retirement present. Here's our video of highlights.
Taylor Swift is the subject of a probing 60 Minutes piece this Sunday, in which Leslie Stahl connects the crossover country sensation to the collapse of the European economy, Iran's secret nuclear weapons program, and an illegal baby-fighting ring in China. No, just kidding — it's about how pretty she is and how she makes nice songs about how the the boys on the football team never ask her to the sock hop. In this preview clip, Swift explains that she takes herself very seriously. As a role model! I mean as a role model. She takes herself very seriously as a role model. Take it away, Taylor! [60 Minutes]
If you, like me, are a big fan of nonfiction, then you'll want to add Stuck Up! 125 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn't Be to your holiday reading list, and pronto. Who wouldn't want to curl up to a roaring fire this Christmas with a definitive compendium of funny things stuck inside people's bodily cavities? Sure, slowly squatting onto a 12-Inch Karate Action Buzz Lightyear might sound like a good idea after a couple of grams of high-grade crystal methamphetamine; it's the journey back to Earth that isn't always quite so pleasant. (And if you think that's bad, you should see what happened to the guy's Woody.) [Stuck Up! via TMZ]
When People magazine named Bradley Cooper 2011's "Sexiest Man Alive" yesterday, it incurred an instant backlash—a BuzzFeed-led group of Ryan Gosling supporters even picketed outside the magazine's New York offices. On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert added himself to the growing list of those upset with People's pick.
Seeking out additional sources of income is always a tempting option for today's financially strapped college student. That said, you might want to double- and triple-check the credentials of the sexologist for whose study you have just signed up, as he might just be some random dude trying to have sex with you in a motel room.
Meanwhile, over in Los Angeles, the Occupy movement is still going strong, mainly because riot police were stuck in traffic and refused to step down from their running boards and walk the couple blocks to rough up the dirty hippies of the Occupy LA encampment. But the day wasn't a total loss: Everyone passed the time with complimentary Ice Blendeds from a nearby Coffee Bean, they blasted Rihanna out of the SWAT vehicles' crowd-dispersing P.A. systems, and a fun time was had by all! Honk if you love the status quo! Thaaaanksies! [Photo Credit: @jujumikey]
Clown-hued shriek monster Gretchen Carlson was on tonight's Factor, where she and Bill O'Reilly battled each other for the title of commander-in-chief of the war on the secular War on Christmas. "Just this week, Santa was thrown out of a cancer center in South Carolina. Santa!" said Carlson, apparently unaware of the fact that Santa isn't in the Bible. Then O'Reilly said he would take down companies who ban their employees from saying "Merry Christmas," because JESUS. A clip of the segment is above.
As thousands marched across the Brooklyn Bridge tonight in solidarity with Occupy Wall Street, someone put on a pro-OWS guerrilla projection show on the side of the Verizon building. Try evicting that, Mayor BloombNERD. What are you going to do? Cut off the power until everyone behaves again? Actually, I shouldn't give him any bright ideas.
Thanksgiving, 1981. Natalie Wood spends the weekend on Splendour, the yacht she shared with husband Robert Wagner, docked at Catalina Island. With the couple is Christopher Walken, with whom she was shooting Brainstorm, a sci-fi film which would be her last.
Chickens-rights-championing nose-singer Morrissey was spotted today in Dallas getting his locks trimmed and sculpted into his trademark rockabilly 'do. (Morrissey was proudly touting allegiance to the Hitler Youth before anyone.) But unlike your typical barbershop patron who leaves the clippings on the floor, Morrissey requested a hair doggie-bag for the road:
Today we learned that Rick Perry, everybody's favorite bumbling bumpkin from Texas, is not quite done making a fool of hisself. Fortunately for Perry, he has a frantic team of PR people waiting in the wings to apologize for his inevitable mishaps. One commenter was kind enough to send us today's statement:
President Obama, who has supposedly quit smoking himself, took to the YouTube this week to congratulate Americans who are participating in something claustrophobically called the "Great American Smokeout." The annual challenge, which is today, encourages "smokers to use the date to make a plan to quit, or to plan in advance and quit smoking that day." Participants will be rewarded with hallucinations, angst, a quick temper, and a desire to eat or chew anything that's in front of them! Also, less cancer later on.
Remember when the Oscars had five Best Picture nominees and then they switched it to 10? Remember when they stopped that and now it's going to be like six or seven or nine or who the fuck knows? Well, they announced how they're going to figure out the nominees. Proceed only if you have a PhD in imaginary math.
While downtown protesters braved NYPD beatdowns to continue their occupation of Wall Street today, a separate group of somewhat less serious occupiers took over the sidewalk outside People magazine's office. They were Ryan Gosling fans, and they were there to protest Bradley Cooper winning this year's "Sexiest Man Alive" title. Their anthem:
