Is it even worth introducing Chris Brown with an insult? He is just terrible! Well, Chris Brown, horrendous hatemonster and destroyer of all things good and pure in this world, has plunked down $1.5 million for this home in Hollyweird, CA.

Hey! Billionaires have feelings, too, you know. Home Depot co-founder Ken Langone took to CNBC this morning to defend their honor from that bully Barack Obama, who is killing the economy by refusing to literally dance for them while holding pom-poms made of shredded cash: "We need leadership, we need cheerleading, we need encouragement. Businessmen and fat cats need to feel like they're doing something good not that they're villains and not that their criminals."

GZA, the man who becomes the head when Wu-Tang Clan forms like Voltron, will be giving a guest lecture at Harvard next month. Better than a mountain climber who plays an electric guitar, amirite? This "Ivy League lecture as album promo tour trend" is the coolest thing to happen to the Ivy League since the Dartmouth meth lab.

A new study has found that Facebook's 721 million users are separated from each other by just 4.74 friends. That means, there's just three people separating you from someone who participated in one of those disgusting Facebook chicken pox parties.

Just like everything else about her nuptials, it seems like Kim Kardashian jumped the gun ordering her holiday cards with her wedding photo on them. Kristen Wiig is hanging out in her undies. Katy Perry is not pregnant. Paz de la Huerta ruined the ending of Boardwalk Empire. Tuesday's gossip has been known to make mistakes.

In olden times, when Americans were forced to scavenge for food at "Supermarkets," people ate only three "meals" per day, that being the maximum number that the womenfolk could be goaded into preparing, no matter how much you beat them.

This actress might have been carrying another man's baby when she walked down the aisle. This actress is screwing her director (that's original!) and this family is going to have a more complicated Thanksgiving than the Kardashians. Unless the family is the Kardashians. Hmmm...

The eagle-eyed New York Times has noticed the curious planking fad, just seven months after everyone else did. The annoying internet trend of newspaper articles about planking just won't go away.

Cigarette taxes here in New York stand at four hundred and eleven dollars per pack, approximately, a burden to which New York smokers have reacted by grumbling slightly more than usual before heading out to turn tricks in order to score enough cash to buy three American Spirit loosies. "Rolling your own?" Don't try it, smart guy!

Long, long ago (the 1970s), in a faraway and strange land (the 1970s), there existed a tiny anarchistic tribe called the Sex Pistols. Though noted mainly for their music, they also dabbled in the visual arts—decorating their London cave dwellings with whimsical pictures called "graffiti."

Regulators have been picking on Bank of America—telling the poor bank that it needs to get stronger, or else they'll enforce "intensified scrutiny" (monitor its Facebook use) and "greater restrictions" (no television after 9 PM, less hanging out with its cool friends). Or some bullshit.

Fascist comedy rag the New York Post has consistently produced more Occupy Wall Street-related works of fiction than any other New York-area performance artist. Remember how they essentially tried to pin all of the world's evils on one woman because she had dreadlocks? Really, really advanced stuff, people.

A homeless, teenage Occupy Seattle protester claims that, during a recent demonstration, police officers kicked her in the stomach and pepper-sprayed her. She was pregnant at the time, and miscarried several days later. Was there a cause/effect relationship?

If you thought that Ohio had cornered the market on aggressively sexual ghosts, you were wrong (as always!): Over in England, 73-year-old Doris Birch says she's had trouble going to sleep over these past four months because of the ghost who gropes her all night long.

Back in July, Mariah Carey made an insane two-hour live appearance on the Home Shopping Network, which I distilled down to the most entertaining four minutes. So when I found out that Carey would kick off another round of HSN hawking early this morning, I couldn't help but tune in (and not just because she challenged Gawker to do so).

UC Davis Lieutenant John Pike—star of the hit viral video I, Pepper Spray Cop and muse to culturally literate Photoshoppers worldwide—can now add "advice columnist" to his growing resume. Er, at least his fake online persona can.

Get this: Fox News is—gasp!—not all that informative, according to Fairleigh Dickinson University's latest PublicMind poll.

Attention! If you landed a plane at the Houston Executive Airport in Texas on Monday, and then disappeared, the police would like to talk to you. About the fact that your plane is filled with marijuana.

Here's Mitt Romney's first television ad! It is fantastic, in the sense that it manages to encapsulate, in the span of one minute, the entire Romney "brand": boring, wrong, nonspecific and slightly dishonest. (It's not so fantastic in the "at all engaging to watch" sense.)

One week after conducting an unbearable telephone interview with accused Penn State child rapist Jerry Sandusky on NBC's Rock Center, Bob Costas returned to the program tonight to talk about what's coming next. "There has to be more," said Costas, speculating on both the breadth of the accusations against Sandusky, as well as how much former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno knew about them without ever taking action. "There will be more."