You would think that the AP would be satisfied with its status as "last remaining source of non-local 'news' for 95% of American newspapers." But no! Now they want to be kings of the internet, and whatnot, as well.

Well, here's some "good" news: cops found the skeletal remains of Shannan Gilbert, the 24-year-old sex worker whose disappearance led to the discovery of ten, apparently serially-killed, bodies on Gilgo Beach in Long Island! And, even, uh, "better" (?), it looks like her death was an accident!

Last night Adrienne Maloof got her Bravo sponsored commercial for her Vegas property, The Palms, and Lisa Van der Pump got sweated on by a male stripper. If only what happened in Vegas stayed there, but it leaked all over our television screens.

Let us thank the Obama campaign's senior strategist David Axelrod for this sterling metaphor today, regarding Newt Gingrich's anus — something we'll see more of as the primary season lingers on.

Let's all let out the deep breaths we've been holding in anticipation of the G.I. Joe sequel (wouldn't it be great if this was actually a G.I. Jane sequel? Wait, would it? We'll never know!). Yes, it is here and it looks, I don't know, violent? Action packed? Explosive? It's certainly got all the trimmings of a summer blockbuster flick. There's a ninja sword fight on the face of a mountain. Cue the exclamation points.

Lindsay Lohan's Playboy issue hits newsstands this week, amid widespread disappointment. Over the last six years, every part of Lindsay has been photographed repeatedly. (Her latest nip slip occurred this morning.) Now presenting Lindsay Lohan: A Portrait of the Starlet as the Sum of Her Private Parts. NSFW after the jump.

Fashionista is running a series on "Fashion Intern Horror Stories," and the best one—about the world's "best known supermodel" peeing all over a white suit—makes for a workable blind item:

How are our visibly depressed college students faring this year? Poorly. Very poorly.

Great news from the official top paper of historical world record, import, & fame, &c., the New York Times: former executive editor Bill Keller won't use "illegals" to refer to illegal immigrants in his profound-ish columns! What's the big deal? Perhaps that he was using it left and right in his column the other day and everyone got mad at him for this? Indeed, it is so.

Whoops! Remember when Rupert Murdoch's News of the World was revealed to have illegally listened to the voicemails of teen murder victim Milly Dowler? And how the bastards actually erased the voicemails, leading Dowler's family to falsely believe that their little girl was still alive and checking her messages? And how Murdoch killed off NOTW in shame and a panicked attempt to avert scandal when it all came out? Well, there's a slight wrinkle.

Bridget Jones is selling her pile of rubble in Connecticut for $1.5 million. I kid! This home is beautiful and the most sensible thing for us to do is to pool our money together and buy this place. Would you get a look at that pool!

Yeah, last night was the TV debut of Chelsea Clinton, NBC's newest """""journalist.""""" All you non-famous kids out there who saddled yourselves with a lifetime of debt in order to pay for journalism school, who are now either unemployed or underemployed or stuck at some boring dead end niche publication wondering how your journalism dream turned out so differently than you imagined: maybe Chelsea Clinton will put you in one of her charity news segments on teevee one day. That would be a dream come true for you.

Scientists emerged from their particle-smashers on Tuesday to let the world know that they still haven't found the Higgs boson—the so-called "God particle" that could explain why objects have mass—and that they still need a few more months, at least, to find this totally real thing that is not an excuse for physicists to throw lavish parties inside the enormous CERN dome with all that grant money:

Remember Pedro and Buddy, the gay penguin couple that the Toronto Zoo was going to separate so they could mate and then reunite? Well, it looks like their love won't last being shoved in the closet by the zookeepers. This is so so sad.

This actor not only has a tiny dick but sucks in bed. This sitcom star had a secret about Natalie Wood's death, this celeb's pregnancy is a total fake, and this actress is making bank off staged paparazzi pictures. We all have our secrets and shortcomings.

In the past, we have used this space to mock new New York Times columnist Frank Bruni for starting out poorly, then getting progressively, unbelievably worse. He seems to lack any convictions at all, let alone interesting ones; though he's only been on the job for half a year, he's already been reduced to padding his column with excruciatingly boring stories from his own life, due to his apparent dearth of worthwhile ideas about important issues.

Two Four people are dead after a man (men?) threw as many as four hand grenades at a bus stop in Liège, Belgium. One of the dead is apparently an the attacker; there are seven critically injured and 47 injured total. And apparently people are saying it was part of an attempted jailbreak?

Every time a Blackwater centurion discharged his weapon in Iraq, the company filed a written report with the U.S. State Department. Blackwater shot Iraq to shit. Here are the reports.

The thing that some people don't understand about crime is that you have to put some thought into it. You can't just run around willy-nilly doing stupid idiot crimes and expect to get rich and famous and live a life of leisure outside the walls of a prison. You have to plan shit. You can't just, you know, steal $285,000 and hope that nobody notices.

After two years filled with late-night wars, Jon Stewart smackdowns, TV movie meltdowns, Mariah Carey moments, cable news feuds/farts/giggle fits, awards show mayhem, stupid politicians, stupider reality stars, stupidest Kardashians, stunts from Lady Gaga, satire from Stephen Colbert, the Food Network's classiest (and trashiest), gay activism, teenage triumphs/tribulations, devils dancing topless, South Park, SNL, cats, corgis, cute curmudegons and rent that was too damn high, it's time for me to say goodbye.