Hey guys, diners, everybody gather 'round please: change of plans for lunch today, and every day. Chipotle is OUT. Taco Bell's new "Cantina" menu is in. Because Taco Bell now has high quality upscale foohahahaha sorry, wait, hahahaha, wait. Sorry. I really tried to keep a straight face there.

Taco Bell announced last Friday that its Doritos Locos Tacos — that's a taco with a nacho cheese-flavored Doritos shell — has been sold over 100 million times in the last 10 weeks, becoming the company's most successful product launch ever.

Around the same time that Ryan Hart was spitting out his Arby's junior roast beef (now with extra human finger), Redditor LinkBoyJT was biting into his order of hash browns from McDonald's. Just before consuming the last morsel of his King Size french fry, he says he suddenly "felt something on the bottom."

Here are the simple facts: 14 year-old Ryan Hart of Jackson, Michigan was finishing up his Arby's roast beef sandwich last week when he bit into an non-traditional ingredient—"The fleshy, severed pad of an unfortunate employee's finger." It had been sliced off in a meat slicer. These things happen.

Last week, French McDonald's franchises announced a new addition to their menus: the McBaguette sandwich, a Frankenstein's monster of culinary culture clash.

If they gave a Pulitzer Prize for waffling, this piece from the Washington City Paper last week might have won it. In it, food editor Chris Shott spends several hundred words pondering whether a person who is not a homophobe can in good conscience eat at Chick-fil-A, the Atlanta-based fast-food chain and purveyor of those dumbass cow ads. Chick-fil-A's nonprofit arm, the WinShape Foundation, has for years donated millions to anti-gay Christian groups like Focus on the Family, which once warned Americans, "[T]he homosexual agenda is a beast."

Unwrap your lips from your processed Cheez-Delivery Snack'm Tube-Brand Corn Snaxxx and pay attention, America. This is important. Sure, you've been doing your best to consume your annual 137-gallon allotment of high fructose corn syrup, and your 92 pounds of Cheez annually. But do your standard condiments contain a sufficient amount of saturated fat and artificial flavors? Or could you be doing more?

In Japan, your average Domino's Pizza outlet has 50% higher sales than a U.S. outlet. Why? Because Japanese people are weird. From Ad Age:

Wendy's ended Burger King's 40-year reign as America's number two-selling hamburger chain in 2011, CNNMoney reports.

Reuters reported yesterday that McDonald's is fucking shaking up its Dollar Menu by removing small drinks and French fries from its list of offerings and tossing up cookies and ice cream in their place.

China: the "Far East," where four thousand years of cultural evolution has culminated in a battle to see whether The Mighty P'zone™ or the Big N' Tasty™ will become the national meal of choice. McDonald's has an outside-the-box new advertising strategy to woo the wary Chinese: telling them that McDonald's food is not a monstrous blight upon the concept of dining.

David Novak is the CEO of Yum! Brands, the company that owns KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut. He is the man most directly responsible for populating the world with fast food restaurants. He is also a horrible date:

In a survey of 30,000 workers in all fields, 42.3% of fast food workers said "My job may make the world a worse place." The next most self-loathing industry was bartenders, of which only 5.8% said their jobs were evil.

Huh, hmm, strange, inexplicable: although lots of people purchase food at McDonald's, it turns out that they don't think the food at McDonald's is very good. Buh, wha, guh, WTF? Explain, Ad Age:

Does Wendy's use aborted human fetuses in its food? When we conducted our groundbreaking investigation into the issue last week, we were forced to put the fast food company in the "possibly contains fetuses" category when our queries didn't receive a response. But now our our noble and relentless quest for the truth has paid off.

Taco Bell is not going to be serving breakfast. That would be gross. Taco Bell is serving First Meal. It's the meal that comes after Fourth Meal. It's a meal that you eat at about the same time that you would eat breakfast, but which bears no resemblance to the "food" that normal humans would consume, for "breakfast." Observe:

Last week, Oklahoma State Senator Ralph Shortey introduced a bill that would ban "the manufacture or sale of food or products which use aborted human fetuses." But which foods or products use aborted human fetuses? Let's investigate.

A redevelopment project in Loma Linda, California is being met with protest now that city council members have approved the addition of a McDonald's to their historically healthy community.

When the topic of "What America really needs" comes up, one answer inevitably surfaces as a common refrain: less labor-intensive access to fast food. Your dream may soon come true, America.

"Fuck you, Starbucks, you American pussies." That is what we imagine Canadian coffee and donut chain Tim Hortons to be anthropomorphically saying today, adding in an "Eh?" at the end in stereotypical sneering Canadian style. Are we going to sit around as some Canadian fucks have cups that hold a larger amount of coffee than ours do? Eh?