The Way We Live Now: Unregulated. No man, god, country or law shall hold us back from our vast material ambitions! What matters is not that no one has any money; what matters is that our malevolent dreams remain unrestrained!

Burger King sales are plummeting now that "super fans" are cutting back. For example, one super fan "figures he is saving more than $100 a week by eating fewer burgers." Goodness! Can America's food crisis grow any more dire?

Glen Bell, who founded Taco Bell in 1962, has died at the age of 86. He's at least the seventh fast food mogul to die at an extraordinarily old age in the past two years. Cause-effect? Deliciously circumstantial!

UPDATE: Joe Revitte from Dollar Van Demos sent this note telling his side of the story.

If you're an American, Burger King offers you The Subservient Chicken: Some dude in a chicken outfit who does what you say. If you're British, BK offers you The Subservient Shower Girl. Her turn-ons: Voyeurs, and guys with Whopper bellies.

For millennia, man has questioned how Burger King tricks consumers by making Whoppers look edible in commercials. The answer is simple: In order to make fast food look good, you must make it even more disgusting.

The new McDonald's in Chelsea is much improved. Not the food, dummy: The ambience. It's the first in America to undergo what the AP calls "a sleek, European-style makeover". Come, let us explore this wonderful place.

Troy Smith, founder of the Sonic Drive-in chain, died this week at the age of 87. He's at least the sixth fast food mogul to die of extraordinarily old age in the past two years. One cup of grease, please.

According to new research, eating fast food and candy is almost as addictive as doing heroin. Almost. [Telegraph]

We as Americans are not in the shape we once (1942) were. Is it possible to "lose" the accumulated weight of decades of Cap'n Crunch, Nestle Quik, and Quarter Pounders? America's willing to give it a shot. With crazy schemes.

When you're deciding which fast food franchise to buy into, one to avoid would be Dunkin Donuts, because the muckety-mucks at Dunkin Donuts headquarters will spy on you with video cameras, 24/7.

We know you luv Starbucks. But Starbucks has problems. McDonald's is stealing its customers. Iconic stores are shutting down. Teenagers are planting bombs, workers are slowing down, and management's flirting with Communism. Today, Starbuck's salvation arrives: instant coffee. Uh, lowbrow.

There is nothing—nothing—more American than McDonald's. So would weird, less-American competitors please stop trying to overtake McDonald's dominance? Soon, Subway will have more stores than McD's. What pansy message does this send to the world? Americans eat cucumbers?!?

It's not bad enough that eating fatty foods will turn you into a fat ass. According to a group of British researchers who conducted a study with lab rats assigned to high and low-fat diets, eating fast food can lead to memory loss and impaired brain function, too. That certainly explains a lot, doesn't it? [NYDN]

You, Starbucks worker: Your inefficiencies are showing! You lean to scoop coffee at a sub-optimal angle! You waste precious seconds with your sloppy human movements! Improve efficiency, serve coffee two seconds faster on average! Move swiftly for mother company's glory!

When KFC enlisted Oprah to help roll out its new "Grilled" "Chicken" food product, sparking furious chicken riots across America, it looked like the "Grilled" "Chicken" food product would go down as a terrible fiasco. Think again! Grease+teevee lady=win.

Burger King is constantly getting tons of free publicity for its outrageous offensive (and wacky!) ads, which it sometimes apologizes for afterward. Could this be a purposeful strategy? Of course! But now they're fucking with the goddess Lakshmi. Bad move.

While you were all just hanging out last weekend swimming in a pool and smoking weed, Michael Phelps was being quietly reintroduced as a pitchman for Subway.

Hey, kids: We've noticed you all aren't hanging out at Denny's all night as much as you used to. Denny's wants you back, teenage vagrants! Come meet your "cool" bands, at Denny's! Like Rascal Flatts. You kids like that, eh??