Burger King is selling sandwiches with blowjobs. Various female sex symbols orgasmically consume burgers in TV ads. What next? Hardee's asks you to "Name our Holes." Hardee's executives love to fuck biscuit dough.

Sometimes a worthless "consumer" will see some very strategic high-concept ad that involves, say, a subservient chicken, and innocently ask, "How does that sell burgers?" And then the creative ad execs will chuckle at this un-strategic dunce, their target audience.

McDonald's is trying to take advantage of the recession to crush Starbucks by flooding America with cheap, faux-fancy McCafé coffeé. Despité the nation's most annoyingé ad campaigné, McD's is winning the battle for the (formerly) yuppié soul:

Last month NBC's Chuck had that Subway sandwich product placement that was so laughably flagrant we thought, "This will surely hurt the credibility of NBC's 'Chuck!'" How young and naive we were. Turns out that that Subway deal is literally the only reason that Chuck still exists:

Yes, Quizno's Submarine Sandwich Shoppe is run by oven-lusting sex pervs, but guess what, Quizno's: you have crossed the line by allowing 2 Girls, 1 Cup to be associated with your sandwiches. Think, you fools.

Just as the kids today use alcohol labeling to ensure economical intoxication, so may the fatties of tomorrow make use of New York's fast food calorie labeling.

The breadth of Oprah's Free KFC Giveaway Disaster yesterday is just starting to become clear. Reports now indicate that the desperate—and dangerous—Oprah-induced public rush for free chicken and biscuits was a nationwide phenomenon:

Are you overwhelmed today by the sheer force of the $100 million "marketing blitz" for McDonald's McCafé, the "mother of all campaigns" that's "impossible to escape"? Dié Starbucks! Drink McDonald's Coffeé Or Elsé!

America's going wild for Domino's new $5.99 Bread Bowl Pasta (Mmm!), so now's a great time to recall the story of Domino's poor "Pasta Dude": the anthropomorphic penne that was too hot for TV:

NBC went and sold the most blatant product placement in TV history in its show Chuck, and what do you know, it worked! Not for Chuck; that shit is getting canceled. But for Subway, yes!

NBC has shockingly ruined the integrity of its dramatic show Chuck by allowing Subway what is perhaps the most blatant (and therefore laughable!) product placement in network TV history. Mmm, smell that chicken teriyaki.

Here we have, you know, big ass butts, pimping food to children. Which is totally wrong, which is, of course, the whole point, because SO COOL ad agency Crispin Porter Bogusky, the inventors of all the weird Burger King ad shit, did this ad, and they just love doing things that people will say is too weird and also wrong, because it generates "Buzz," just like Midtown Manhattan. The point is Sir Mix-a-Lot is teaching obesity and sexuality to your kids and you're really okay with that, deep down, because you love Whoppers.

An attractive supermodel overcome with meat-induced lust? Where do I, an 18-34-year-old male with disposable income, sign up? At Hardee's! Padma Lakshmi has decided to do one of those Slutburger commercials.

When Padma Lakshmi said she planned to put her "passion for meat" into a new commercial for the fast food chains Carl's Jr. and Hardee's, she wasn't kidding, clearly. Her new TV spot for the company has finally debuted, and well, we certainly hope Teddy has no objections. [YouTube]

Last week we totally harshed on NBC's 30 Rock for writing McDonald's McFlurry into its script in such a sellout-y way. But it was all natural, no ad money, just for fun, allegedly!

Kellogg dumped merman Michael Phelps after finding out he smokes weed, even though everyone knows Frosted Flakes are so good, toasted. Now it looks like Subway—also great toasted!—is making the same mistake. [Update: Subway statement.]

If you haven't already publicly forsaken all your Facebook friends in order to earn a Whopper, it's too late. Facebook has crippled the Burger King "Whopper Sacrifice" anti-friendship widget for being too mean.

"We just thought, let’s try and figure out a fun brand we could put behind some of these casual games." [Times]

After he won 84 Olympic gold medals in Beijing and celebrated with a firm grip, Michael Phelps got a little screwy with his endorsement deals. He endorsed McDonald's, which made him seem insensitive to fat Americans who don't spend hours doing swimming drills every day, and he endorsed Frosted Flakes, which, you know, ditto. Some of his other endorsement choices came dangerously close to painting him as a nerd. But he's signed on with Subway now—a healthy choice! Screw McDonald's! But this causes as many problems as it solves for Fish Boy: