Other than fighting one's way to Internet super-stardom, the latest trend involving fast food restaurants is mini-sizing: offering smaller-than-usual portions of popular items to maintain brand loyalty among small-stomached or calorie-counting consumers. Bucket-sized out, thimble-sized in!

Do you think Ronald McDonald is creepy? Same here. All clowns are creepy. Just don't try telling that to McDonald's executives, who say he is "a force for good" in this cruel, cruel world.

It is the final, sweetest "fuck you" to America when a fast-food mogul lives a long, healthy life, and passes away at an age that their most ardent patrons could never hope to reach, what with the saturated fats and all. In just the past few years, sausage king Jimmy Dean died at age 81; Taco Bell founder Glen Bell died at 86; Sonic founder Troy Smith died at 87; Hardees founder Wilber Hardee died at 89; Baskin-Robbins founder Irvine Robbins died at 90; Carl's Jr. founder Carl Karcher died at 90; and frozen french fry mogul J.R. Simplot passed on at the ripe old age of 99.

This summer, as the remaining U.S. troops are pulled out of Iraq, we'll be taking some cultural icons with us: Burger King, Pizza Hut, Subway and Cinnabon are leaving the country, too. That's right — not only will Iraqis be missing the sight of heavily armed foreign troops and the comforting buzz of Predator drones, but they'll no longer catch a whiff of an oven fresh Meat Lover's® pizza wafting over the concrete blast walls of their local Forward Operating Base. All of the restaurants are scheduled to be pulled out by year's end.

Ubiquitous den of violence and flim-flammery McDonald's has always been the haven of choice for urban and rural hobos alike. But with Starbucks moving aggressively to corner the hobo-gathering-place market, McDonald's is striking back with a billion-dollar hobo-attraction campaign of its own.

America's worst trend, YouTube videos of fast food patrons fighting, continues. Now it's happening at an Atlanta IHOP, where an off-duty police officer punched a woman in the face, kicking off a melee. It's unclear exactly why the cop was struggling with these people in the first place. The lawyer representing three of the women in the video accused the police officer of "excessive force."

Starbucks' "cater to hobos" strategy is succeeding! Makes sense, what with all the hobos out there these days. The caffeine-'n-CDs-of-artists-you-used-to-like-before-you-saw-their-albums-on-sale-at-Starbucks chain is now the third-largest fast food chain in America.

A Brooklyn McDonald's patron found herself the victim of an "elaborate ruse" when she visited the iconic eating establishment last weekend. Said ruse relieved the victim of her purse, without her knowledge.

Cookie monsters! Fewer french fries! Cancer exercise! Lo-carb crapola! Dumb dieters! Daniel Baldwin's workout! Grip strength! Dip belts! Inspirational marathoners! And a NYSC dance instructor must be rehired at once! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—feverishly!

Although the lawsuit that claimed Taco Bell only used 36% beef has now been dropped, the fast food chain isn't about to let the damage to their public image slide so easily. They use 88% beef, and how dare someone suggest otherwise!

The Taco Bell lawsuit that caused a nation to stare down at the half-eaten Gorditas in their hands and question the true nature of the oily, meat-like substance that filled them has been withdrawn.

Decency and good taste have returned to the Philippines today, now that the McDonald's Burger-n-Child Porn empire has heeded widespread calls to pull this raunchy commercial from TV in the archipelago. Catholic leaders were outraged at its wanton depiction of prepubescent sexuality:

Don't pull that trigger just yet, suicidal chronically unemployed Americans: Mcdonald's is hiring 50,000 new workers right here in the USA, for positions ranging from cleaning grease traps to supervising the cleaning of grease traps to creating spreadsheets that rank the most cost-effective methods of cleaning grease traps. It's all part of a McDonald's effort to keep its grease traps clean. Along with its image!

A 30-year-old Alabama woman who sparked one of the greatest food fights of all time inside a Panama City Beach, Florida Burger King has been charged with a laundry list of crimes: felony criminal mischief, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and two counts of misdemeanor battery. Shit, that's rough. An official statement on the accused, Kimesa Smith, via the The News Herald:

Birth control extortion! Female gay condoms! Plastic beating hearts! Frozen vegetables! Tap dancing! Fiber to live! Greasy teenagers! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in what we consider a positive way!

Watch as a very intoxicated Sean Connery look-alike at a West Hollywood Denny's was recently caught on video eating his own paper napkin.

An Illinois woman yesterday sued McDonald's after she claims she was injured by a "large shard of glass" inside a spicy McChicken sandwich. Just typing that hurts.

Denny's is spending $60 million to get people to call it a "diner." We'd call it "greasy" for free.

Taco Bell is facing a class action suit over claims that the company's taco meat is only 36% actual beef, along with "extenders" and other crap. The company has now taken out a "snarky" ad to defend its Secret Recipe.

Who the hell eats at Panera Bread Co.? That's a trick question because everyone knows the answer is "Hippie suckers with lots of money." They're so hippie and rich that they just pay without even being forced to. Suckers.