On yesterday's Report, Stephen Colbert aired the first "My Fair Colbert: Stephen Colbert's Crown Jewels" segment, during which he ruined an afternoon tea session with royal biographer Hugo Vickers. Tonight, Colbert ruined a run-through of the proper etiquette for meeting the queen.

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert debuted a new series—"My Fair Colbert: Stephen Colbert's Crown Jewels"—in which he attempted to become more British ahead of the royal wedding. Up first: Colbert had high afternoon tea with British royal biographer Hugo Vickers—and by "had," I mean "ruined."

The BBC show Bizarre ER featured a college student named Holly whose jaw got dislocated after a very vigorous yawn. While being stuck with your mouth agape is pretty horrifying, you'll never believe how doctors got it closed.

The Queen Mother's private record collection has been released! (You were, no doubt, awaiting this moment with bated breath.) She was, unsurprisingly, a big fan of musicals (The King and I and Oklahoma!), as well as, apparently, ska:

A situation is developing in Liverpool, England that could, if it unravels, have repercussions the world over. Pop gremlin Justin Bieber and his hardened posse are currently stuck in their hotel room because a huge throng of fans has gathered outside, waiting for a peek of their beloved moptop. The police are trying to control the crowd and have threatened Bieber and his crew with arrest if they go anywhere near their balcony, fearing that if the girls below catch a glimpse, a "possible riot situation" could develop.

Terence Brown is a British man who sells The Anarchist's Cookbook—not the original one, but an updated version with information from all the latest terror movements—for $35 on CD-ROM. He was just convicted of violating England's Terrorism Act, and the judge warned him that he will almost certainly go to prison.

New research by a team of American doctors indicates that people living in England are healthier than people living in the United States. And no one knows why!

Is there any better kind of government file than a government UFO file? (No, there is not.) The U.K. just dumped its largest-ever cache of UFO files, and there is some pretty great stuff in there. Such as these letters, wherein a former Ministry of Defense employee writes from Sri Lanka of a "partial aura" and "a ring like a doughnut," providing along with his or her letter two pictures of this unidentified object. And yet, his case handler is less than moved: "Defence of Sri Lankan airspace is clearly a matter for the Sri Lankan Government and you may wish to pursue your enquiries with them." The MoD can be so bitchy!

What do rapey secret leaker Julian Assange and greedy imbecile Sarah Palin have in common? Both love money, and have trademarked their names in pursuit of making more of it.

Neil Brook, a 33-year-old currently on trial for murder in Manchester, England, says that he was forced to stab his neighbor Josef Witkowski to death over a misspelled text message. Yes, I know! Here is Brook's version of events:

And the award for Badass of the Day goes to... this red-coated English granny, who scared off a group of would-be jewelry store robbers in the English town of Northampton by hitting them with her giant purse. Get it, girl.

BBC host Myleene Klaas farted audibly on the live National Lottery TV show on Wednesday evening. Immediately after ripping ass (unless it was a loud belly rumble?) she breaks into a wide grin and giggles. Off camera, another host chortles.

The FBI executed more than 40 search warrants today in connection with its investigation into Operation Payback, last month's wave of cyber attacks targeting companies that cut off Wikileaks. Things are not looking good for Anonymous.

The 90-second message ends: ""Don't ever forget I love you, I love you so much, I love you with all my heart and I was going to ask you, don't answer, obviously you can't answer, but will you marry me?""

A town in England is planning on heating its public swimming pool with excess heat generated by a next-door crematorium. Sure, it's creepy, but think of the money that they'll save! And the ghosts that they'll get to swim with!

England is in an uproar after it was revealed that British undercover cop Mark Kennedy and two colleagues slept with members of the environmental activist groups they were supposed to be monitoring. Turns out that's a sanctioned tactic!

Undercover British cop Mark Kennedy sparked a scandal by sleeping with the environmental activists he was supposed to be spying on. Now, two other cops are accused of sleeping with activists while undercover. One cop even got married to one!

Terry Jones, the Florida pastor who threatened to burn a Koran last 9/11, has been banned from Britain. He was trying to attend a far-right rally but was denied entry because he's awful. Can we ban him from America, too?

Police in England conducted a raid on a garage suspected of containing heating systems for growing marijuana. Alas! It was just a heater for two cold guinea pigs. Poor cops! I would be disappointed, too, but probably for different reasons.

Paul Bint is a career conman who posed as a lawyer, doctor, and royal to steal from the 2,500 women he slept with. Now that the not-very-attractive criminal is free, he should sell his love secrets. He'd make millions!