The list of election '08 losers is a long one: There's John McCain, of course, who will die angry and bitter, notwithstanding his rather gracious concession speech last night. Steve Schmidt, McCain's chief strategist, will probably have trouble finding a Little League team to advise, unless he manages to redeem himself somehow. From Republicans on the Hill to GOP strategists to snowmobile and hunting enthusiasts, plenty of people will feel the cold wind of electoral defeat for a long time to come. After the jump, a roundup of New York City's nine biggest losers.

If there's been anything more contentious and exhausting than the battle to become the nation's next president, it has been The View's high-octane coverage of the election. Emotions still ran high on today's show, as an overcome Sherri Shepherd cried on camera about the impact of Barack Obama's victory. Before that, though, Barbara Walters turned to Elisabeth Hasselbeck and rightly noted, "All eyes are gonna be on you."

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard leaving their polling precinct yesterday in Park Slope ... Natalie Portman working at an Obama phone bank ... Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick and son James leaving the pollsi in the West Village ... Naomi Watts going to the movies at the Angelika Film Center ... Elisabeth Hasselbeck taking an Election Day jog on the Upper West Side ... Keri Russell walking in Brooklyn with son River ... Jessica Alba on the set of her new movie ... Beth Ostrosky walking her three dogs in Midtown ... Katie Holmes and Suri walking to get pizza at Pie by the Pound on Fourth Avenue ... Eva Mendes on the set of her new movie in Chelsea ... and Paris Hilton arriving at JFK airport to catch a flight back to LA.

Compared to its Tina Fey-scripted, Debbie Matenopolous-spoofing skits of yore, Saturday Night Live's parody of The View this week felt awfully underpopulated. On today's actual episode of the daytime chat show, the ladies speculated as to why SNL left out two-fifths of the show's hosts, leading Sherri Shepherd to conclude, "I think they ran out of blacks!"Of course, Shepherd's theory is only bolstered by the fact that SNL can't cover Michelle Obama unless Maya Rudolph's got a free weekend, but later in the show, head writer Seth Meyers came out to do some damage control. "Next time we do it...Sherri, you can come and play yourself," he offered. Is there no end to SNL's 30 Rock poaching? Somewhere, we imagine that an exhausted Tina Fey just muttered "Blergh" and collapsed into her Sabor de Soledad.

♦ A "crazed" Madonna fan stormed the set of Guy Ritchie's new movie this weekend and threatened to kill him with a 12-inch knife before the 16-year-old was arrested. [Mirror, Daily Star]
♦ Is Ashley Olsen planning to marry boyfriend Justin Bartha in a secret wedding on the French Riviera? That's what the National Enquirer claims! Also: She supposedly wants Karl Lagerfeld to design her dress. [Daily Express]
♦ Joaquin Phoenix was acting "odd" and wobbly at an event in San Francisco last week, and now his friends are worried he's back to drinking and doing drugs. [P6]
♦ Beth Ostrosky and Ryan Reynolds both finished the NYC Marathon yesterday, along with about 35,000 other people. [NYDN]

The moment we knew we'd plunged too far down the Barbara Walters-moderated rabbit hole that is The View came last night, and it came during Saturday Night Live. Our initial reaction to the show's View spoof was not, "Oh, Kristen Wiig's playing Elisabeth Hasselbeck!" or even, "Casey Wilson couldn't do an impression of a single View co-host?" No, instead our visceral first take was, "Elisabeth would never wear that color yellow!" In this case, the shame is spread all around: a healthy helping goes to the SNL costume designers who forsook the chance to design the wildest pirate shirt ever, and we'll claim the rest for ourselves. Click through for the clip.Click to view

As AlleyInsider notes today, little online video clips have helped shape the election. And you know who else has helped? Celebrities!! Yes the rich and frivolous famous folks who would like to gay marry the sound of their own voices have been out in force, most supporting a Arab man who drives a fancy Volvo full of explosives named Barack Obama. Though John McCain has had some vocal supporters too, most notably the braying little marmot named The View's Elisabeth Hasselbeck. After the jump we'll take a look at Ms. Hasselbeck and several other celebs who have lent their questionable names to their candidates' causes.

We told you to steel yourselves, and now here it is: following Whoopi Goldberg's sartorial lead, the other co-hosts of The View dressed up as men today for Halloween. Presidents, in fact! They even introduced themselves in character, which was a little bit awkward when Barbara Walters-as-George Washington babbled on about freeing her slaves in a manner so leading that she practically demanded Goldberg and Sherri Shepherd fall at her feet in exultant praise. Then, it was Elisabeth Hasselbeck's turn.Dressed up as Ronald Reagan, she offered a hearty, beyond-the-grave endorsement of John McCain (O RLY?) before Grandma Barbara led her into the weeds with a tortured Sarah Palin analogy and an appreciative Werther's Original. Then, as Hasselbeck is wont to do, she gave Joy Behar (as Teddy Roosevelt) a Cold War-worthy slam. Happy Halloween, ladies: who knew we could be frightened so early in the day?

The Horror! Here is what you have to look forward to tomorrow, America: The View has pretaped its Halloween episode, in which the ladies are dressed, ridiculously, as presidents. From left to right, we have Whoopi Goldberg as the wheelchair-bound Franklin D. Roosevelt, Joy Behar as Teddy Roosevelt, Sherri Shepherd as Abraham Lincoln on the penny, Elisabeth Hasselbeck as a drag king version of Ronald Reagan, and Barbara Walters as George Washington (with whom she once had a fabulous conversation as they snacked on crudités at a Dominick Dunne-hosted dinner party). Click through for full-size. [The View]

Elisabeth Hasselbeck has been one of the most vocal supporters of the Republican agenda on the View for years, she was the toast of the Republican National Convention in early September (she hosted a luncheon for Cindy McCain and handed out "McCain '08" t-shirts she designed herself), and just last weekend, of course, she hit the campaign trail with Sarah Palin. So you'd think that some staffer in the McCain camp—or an official at the RNC—would have taken a moment to verify that Hasselbeck is a registered Republican, right? Apparently not.

The internecine drama between Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar receives the lion's share of our attention at Defamer, but as we watched today's show we thought to ourselves, what of the silent war that Hasselbeck's stylists are clearly waging on her? We're generous enough to admit that the conservative co-host usually looks on-point (in a chilly, blond, Fox News kind of a way), but on today's show, her hair was fashioned into a prim "Texas polygamist bride" coiffure that was only outdone by the latest in what has become a Hasselbeck trademark: the pirate shirt.

Our breathless coverage of the backstage bitchfights befalling The View in these tense days leading up to the election have elicited what will surely go down as the Golden Age of View-Issued Denials. From Whoopi on Regis and GMA, to a very special "We All Love Each Other!" Hot Topic, to a show rep chuckling off our McCain T-shirt ban story, to Sherri Shepherd telling CNN the tales are as flat-out wrong as the Earth itself is flat, never before have the ladies doth protested so much. And yet, further reports of animus come. The Chicago Sun-Times ran a story yesterday claiming that things had "gotten so ugly, they only speak on air or when a camera is anywhere in their vicinity." Accurate? Yes, says a Defamer source who's managed to penetrate their inner kaffeeklatsch sanctum:

♦ Angelina Jolie is either "burning up with jealousy" over Brad Pitt's flirtatious relationship with co-star Diane Kruger, or she's completely happy and getting ready for her next adoption in the next few weeks, depending on which tabloid you pick up. [Star, OK!]
♦ Elisabeth Hasselbeck gets more death threats than any other host on the View, news that probably won't surprise you. [P6]
♦ Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer spent last weekend at a romantic spa in Arizona. [Star]
♦ Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen appeared at a book signing yesterday, but they did not permit fans to talk to them. [P6]
♦ Page Six follows up on the news from three weeks ago and reports Ivanka Trump is converting to Judaism for Jared Kushner. She's attending synagogue regularly, too. [P6]

On today's edition of The View, the political fireworks came not from Elisabeth Hasselbeck but from Richard Dreyfuss, who turned in a masterful bit of anti-promotion for his role as Dick Cheney in Oliver Stone's W. With little prompting, Dreyfuss turned on his director, branding him a "fascist" and, when asked what he was like to work with, declaring, "Imagine working for Sean Hannity." "I would like that!" Hasselbeck immediately chirped. We know, Liz. W. was already on somewhat shaky ground after an Oscar buzz-draining second weekend, but we're sure that Dreyfuss's deviation from his talking points won't help, either. Josh Brolin, it might be time to start vetting those Milk FYC ads.

In case you missed it, the video of Elisabeth Hasselbeck's introduction of Sarah Palin at a rally this past weekend is below.

♦ Amy Poehler and husband Will Arnett became parents for the first time on Saturday when Amy gave birth to a son, Archie. [Us]
♦ Madonna is in "meltdown mode," and asked her assistant to gather all the items she received from Guy Ritchie so she can "bury them." Guy, meanwhile, has reportedly said the couple's marriage began to disintegrate when she started planning their sex life around her workout schedule. [MSNBC, Daily Mail]
♦ Jennifer Hudson is offering a $100,000 reward for the return of her nephew, who went missing on Friday when her mother and brother were fatally shot. [People, Access Hollywood]
♦ Lindsay Lohan doesn't want people thinking she's a lesbian just because she's dating a girl. [NYDN]

There's a blissful, View-free weekend coming up (well, except for Floridians), but until then, we leave you with this clip of an undaunted Elisabeth Hasselbeck locking horns with Whoopi Goldberg on today's show. The conservative co-host challenged Goldberg about the folly of negotiating with terrorists (a position we're sure she came to after the unilateral talks between her and Joy Behar collapsed spectacularly backstage). Instead, Hasselbeck embraced a brand of conflict resolution no doubt passed on by benevolent dictator Barbara Walters: no negotiations (or hugs), just a simple cold shoulder, a passive-aggressive remark, and a threatening, late-night phone call from someone who sounds a whole lot like Henry Kissinger.

We figured the growing on-air hostility between Republican whistle-siren Elisabeth Hasselbeck and the more moderate panelists on The View would eventually erupt into something appropriately spectacular—and it did, with multiple accounts sent to us of a Joy Behar/Elisabeth Hasselbeck backstage Catfight of the Century. Word of the smackdown, full of detonated F-bombs and wishes of co-host conflagration, quickly made the media rounds, such as the clip above from last night's ExtraIn it, quadruple threat host Mario Lopez—he acts, dances, crunches, and reads showbiz news copy!—capably sums up not just our report, but The View's ensuing damage control campaign. Not only did Whoopi hit the Regis high-chair, but she also reassured GMA's Diane Sawyer that no one's life is in immediate danger—in fact, they all love each other! Yes, yes, we're sure that's all true, ladies, but can we suggest bringing back that effective split-screen technique that hastened Rosie O'Donnell's departure? You're really losing half the fun if the camera misses Joy silently mouthing, "IwillburnyoudownIwillburnyoudown" while Elisabeth defends her theories that a 19-year-old Barack Obama was the one who gave John Hinckley, Jr. his Reagan-shooting marching orders. [Extra] Previously:

♦ Lydia Hearst, seen here attending a party last week, doesn't think her family's publishing company should be hosting parties these days. "It's time to work through this crisis, not party through it," she says. [P6]
♦ How are Madonna and Guy Ritchie coping with their split? Madonna has supposedly enrolled in anger management classes at the Kabbalah Center, while Guy has been out with Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. [The Sun, People]
♦ Elisabeth Hasselbeck is introducing Sarah Palin at a rally in Florida this weekend. [ET]
♦ A month after vacationing together in St. Tropez, Jennifer Lopez has asked Benny Medina to come back on as her manager. [Fox411]

When Elisabeth Hasselbeck wore a John McCain-boosting T-shirt on Tuesday's installment of The View, little did she know it would set off a 24-hour, Defamer-consuming chain reaction that would lead to booing, a now-notorious backstage conflict, and a through-the-looking-glass emergence of this humble blogspot as one of the show's Hot Topics (also, it introduced us to Sheetzucacapoopoo — thanks, Elisabeth!). Now, as Hasselbeck prepares to introduce vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin at two Florida rallies this weekend, one of our agents at The View informs us that the problematic T-shirt was the subject of a contentious ABC conference call today: