Back in August, ex-Virginia governor Jim Gilmore was included in the group of 17 Republican candidates who participated in one of two inaugural debates in Cleveland. Yesterday, in New Hampshire, he received less votes than dropouts Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, 73-year-old retired public school custodian Richard Witz, and Democratic candidate Vermin Supreme, who wears a galosh on his head.

I just got back from several days in New Hampshire, attending political rallies across the state and observing thousands of voters in their natural habitat. What have I learned about what will happen in the presidential race? Nothing!

Despite recent cries that empowering yourself to vote for your candidate of choice somehow makes you a Bad Feminist™ (assuming that person is anyone but Hillary Clinton), New Hampshire women evidently don’t give a shit. Because last night, Bernie Sanders won with women by 11 points.

Robot Rubio apologized to his friends, family, and programmers on Tuesday night—following what looks to be an uninspiring fifth place finish—for having been such a mess at Saturday’s debate. “I did not do well on Saturday night,” he said. “That will never happen again.”

After a loss that would have been infinitely more enjoyable (for us) if it had been at the hands of anyone but Ted Cruz, imminent President Donald Trump finally got to give his very first victory speech with 34 percent of the vote. And it was pretty much exactly what you’d expect.

According to the Associated Press, Chris Christie is heading back to Jersey to “take a deep breath” and “take stock of [his] presidential bid.” As Christie’s beloved idol Bruce Springsteen would say: Great—who the hell needs Chris Christie.

In tonight’s concession speech, Hillary Clinton made grand declarations of her desire to get all the dirty money and secret Wall Street influence the hell out of politics. Which is to say, Hillary Clinton really wants Hillary Clinton out of politics.

Feeling the Bern indeed...

Just a few minutes ago, MSNBC’s Chris Hayes offered some insight into exactly why Bernie Sandwiches was able to snag New Hampshire so handily. Delicious, delicious Bernie Sandwiches.

While some networks (including Fox News) prefer to rely on human-sized iPads and holograms of a young Reagan to read the night’s primary results, still-frozen Thanksgiving turkey Karl Rove has chosen to go a different route. More specifically, the Zodiac Killer route.

A contingent of New Hampshire voters on Tuesday simply could not contain their enthusiasm for Martin O’Malley—despite the fact that he is not actually running for president anymore.

New Hampshire’s polls are closed. CNN’s graphics team hasn’t slept in weeks. And we’re about to find out who the weirdos in New Hampshire want to be our next president.

Bill Kristol, who is always wrong, is wrong once again.

With ten percent of precincts reporting, CNN and us here at Gawker are calling it for Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump.

With 3% of New Hampshire precincts reporting, boot-as-hat wearing crazy sorcerer man Vermin Supreme has 0.2% of the Democratic vote. Martin O’Malley, who ran a modern political campaign, currently has 0.3%.

Well folks, it’s that lovely election night limbo after the polls have begun to close and before anyone actually knows anything, and so instead we have to look at exit polls! Exit polls are only ever indicative of bad things. How bad? Let’s find out.

According a CBS exit poll, a vast majority of Republican New Hampshire voters support at least a *temporary* blanket ban on all Muslim immigrants. Which is to say, a vast majority of New Hampshire Republicans are pretty racist and probably voting Trump.

Marco Rubio is broken.

Last night, in front of thousands of people, Donald Trump stood on stage and called Ted Cruz a pussy. And while you are not supposed to say the word “pussy,” members of the media are especially not supposed to say the word “pussy.” So instead, they got creative.

After suffering yet another malfunction in New Hampshire last night, the slowly corroding motherboard that is Marco Rubio had a little visit from a few of his friends this morning.