People move to big, bad New York City, puff out their chests, and declare that they're ready to take on the world. If they can make it here, they can make it anywhere! But they can't make it without a smiling babysitter paid to open the door for them. Or can they?
Hey, why didn't anyone ever think of this before? Instead of just allowing gang members to go places and do things, tell them they can't go places and do things. Places are only for good people! Gang problem= solved!
Bill Keller, the T. Herman Zweibel of New York Times columnists, is back with another edition of "Former NYT Editor Bill Keller Reveals Himself to Be Little Better Than The Average Topeka Capital-Journal Weekly Lifestyle Columnist, in a Spectacle That's Embarrassing for Everyone Involved." Today: Bill Keller uses his enviable national media platform to shit on his own employees' books.
It's early, but this should be a lock for Most Awful Story of the Day: Isayah Muller (pictured) graduated from high school in the Bronx on Tuesday. Afterwards, he went out to a celebration dinner with his family. When his father, Andre, got back in the car after the dinner, he found that a $200 bottle of cologne was missing. Andre, with his family in the car, drove back to the parking garage where he'd been parked and confronted the attendants there, accusing them of stealing the cologne. They let him search the office. He couldn't find it. So, police say, he attacked one of the parking attendants, punching him. The other attendant grabbed a knife to defend his colleague.
Patriotic Americans everywhere rushed home from church yesterday afternoon in order to tune into the "U.S. Open" golf tournament, knowing that god, in his infinite beneficence, would understand that enthusiasm for the "U.S. Open" is part and parcel of doing His work. Imagine their shock, then, when the NBC broadcasting network failed to include the words "under god" in their introductory segment for the "U.S. Open"—which, naturally, was a sickeningly sweet montage of pseudo-patriotic images up to and including American soldiers toting around carefully folded U.S. flags, as schoolchildren reverently recited the Pledge of Allegiance. Sickeningly patriotic, yes; but not sickeningly religious. To recap: Innocent, golf-loving American children were subjected, against their will, to a television montage of relentlessly patriotic symbology that did not include the words "under god" in its rote reenactment of our national indoctrination rites.
People like to go to Hawaii. It's nicer there than where they live. When they go to Hawaii, they get guidebooks, and go to the places that the guidebooks recommend. Sometimes, some people fall down and get hurt at the places they read about in the guidebooks. How to solve this tourists-getting-hurt-sometimes problem? By making the guidebook people pay.
Need a Halloween costume, but don't want to dress any differently than your usual woefully stereotypical fauxhemian garb? American Apparel has you covered.
