According to LEX 18, one of the potential 2016 First Kids got into a drunk driving accident with a parked car in Lexington, KY this week.

Olympic swimming star Michael Phelps was pulled over by Maryland police early this morning and arrested on a DUI charge, TMZ reports. He was apparently stopped by officers around 1:40 a.m. in a white Range Rover, driving 84 in a 45 zone, and allegedly failed a field sobriety test with a BAC of almost twice the legal limit.

America's red wine demi-glace sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon, swung by Good Morning America this morning to weather her first interview since she and her husband were arrested for disorderly conduct and drunk driving (respectively) two weeks ago.

Luckily the local news was there to interview the drunk guy (and the squirrel). According to police reports, the squirrel was "eating him." According to Drunk Guy's girlfriend, the squirrel wasn't "eating him; he was just crawling around in his shirt." According to Drunk Guy himself, the squirrel was "just tired" and "resting" in Drunk Guy's shirt. Now that that's cleared up, the reporter informs us that Drunk Guy was indeed drunk and has renamed the squirrel DUI (pronounced: doo-ee).

Tonight is one of the biggest bar nights of the year as everyone returns to their suburban hometown and heads out to some skanky sports bar they wouldn't be caught dead in the other 364 nights. Then they drive home drunk and get a DUI. Tale as old as time.

"Ornelas advised that she was extremely upset with her boyfriend because she did not see the movie Twilight like they were suppose too [sic]." — Eighteen-year-old Olivia Ornelas explains why she was driving drunk with no right front tire.

Today, in delightful branding-related serendipity: Ron DiMenna, the 73-year-old founder of Ron Jon Surf Shops, was arrested for driving under the influence... of Four Loko. If only all apparel-store founders acted in exactly the way we expect their customers to!

Armed with his own circuitous logic and a disarming smile, Shia LaBeouf has proven himself as masterful at one-handed P.R. spin as he is twirling a stiletto. Remember how he turned his Walgreen's arrest into a hilarious comedy pitch about a young movie star's escalating feud with a drugstore security guard? (Throw in Bow Wow and Martin Lawrence, call it Crunk & Disorderly, it's as good as a slam dunk.) A terrible Indiana Jones installment only seems awful and cartoonish because the audience has devolved (or evolved? We still don't quite get this one), not the movie. And a DUI arrest and near fatal car accident becomes a life-affirming anecdote on The Tonight Show. By the end of the telling, the whole "DUI" part seems but a distant memory, as you're entirely too preoccupied with the closeup of the gnarled fingernail LaBeouf touchingly presents to Leno—a trophy from his ordeal, suitable for mounting—to concern yourself with the details of the case. [The Tonight Show]

Having played everything in his long career from Barbra Streisand's sodomy-repressing patient in The Prince of Tides to a hook-handed war diarist in the upcoming Tropic Thunder, it seems a small tragedy that the single image most associated with permagrizzled thespian Nick Nolte is his infamous mugshot. Generally regarded as the gold standard to which all celebrity booking photos are held, there was virtually no aspect of the portrait that failed to convey a purity of wrongness: the sunken features, the pained grimace, the waterlily print buttoned up to the neck, and, of course, that shock of stringy chaos atop his head, defying all laws of physics as if fashioned by some oversugared pre-schooler out of a box of golden pipe-cleaners. Entire post-graduate seminars were dedicated to exploring its mysteries and beauty. So imagine our shock when the model himself finally revealed the true story behind its conception on The Tonight Show. This wasn't a mugshot at all, it turns out, but Nolte's selfless contribution to the Sacramento Policemen's Annuity and Benefit Fund.

Shia LeBeouf continues to recover from hand surgery after some spectacular Bayian stuntwork at the corners of LaBrea and Fountain early Sunday morning, resulting in an overturned pick-up truck, plus a massive fireball after the frazzled actor exhaled a gust of 80-proof breath while trying to light a cigarette. We've already explored his conveniently timed Details interview, in which he spoke freely of hard-partying father-son bonding moments, and his inability "to have one drink." ET has video (above) of the interview, in which he charms a giggly off-camera reporter with flippant observations about his renegade drugstore exploits ("Walgreens is a formidable foe, let me tell you guys right now. It was the battlegrounds of my life. The coliseum where all the rumbles happen."). He also openly longs for a time when "actors were magical. Now that paparazzis are rampant the business is losing the magic a little bit. You always feel like people know too much."Variety, meanwhile, has a report from the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen set, where Bumblebee, Jazz, Ratchet, and the rest are passing the time playing Trivial Pursuit: Totally '80s Edition until their star gets back:

For anyone who had a sneaking suspicion that yesterday's earthquake was just the beginning of the end, we offer you more proof: marginally recognizable drunk driver Khloe Kardashian has taken it upon herself to give advice to accident-plagued Shia LaBeouf ... and she suggests exactly what countless Defamer commenters have already recommended (namely, why don't these rich kids have drivers already)? Says Us Magazine:

Breaking! It now emerges that Shia LaBeouf may not have been completely at fault for his DUI accident: "L.A. County Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore said the investigation suggests that another driver may have run a red light, hitting LaBeouf's truck. That driver was cited at the scene for running a red light." Do you suddenly find yourselves confused about how to feel? If a drunk driver gets hit by a red-light-runner at Fountain and LaBrea, flipping over his three-ton truck in the process and necessitating hand surgery, does it make a sound? We'll let you ponder these imponderables as we attend to a specially designated Ethical Dilemma Boston Cream Donut. Mmm...morally ambiguous cussstarrrrrd. [LAT]

It's been two days since Shia LaBeouf's early-morning DUI accident, in which the well-liquored star of the latest Indy Jones installment was sent hurtling through the air in his three-ton, American-built pickup truck (360 views, specs, and color options available here) at the corners of Fountain and LaBrea. As it turned out, the only thing his heavy-duty ride had picked up that evening was his Transformers sequel co-star, Australian actress Isabel Lucas. While her reportedly miffed boyfriend Adrian Grenier was unforthcoming with status updates, we have it on good authority from the fine people at TransWorld News press release syndicate that her rep "can’t confirm anything...but I have been informed she is at work, on the set of Transformers and is fine.” Phew! We can't confirm anything, either, but we're informed we're extremely relieved for the young actress.Witnesses from the crime scene have since emerged, including passerby Brian Perrulli—aka Tobey Maguire's long-lost goth twin—who recalls a bystander recommending LaBeouf flee the scene (perhaps after placing a floormat over the vehicle and hoping no one noticed it?). But as he told Access Hollywood, Shia was having none of that:

The signs, as they say, were there. A rough-and-tumble kid from the hard streets of Echo Parque, Shia LaBeouf traded in tubesteak and greasepaint as a child, raised by hot-dog-vending clown parents. (A profession, if the lessons of Momzo are to teach us anything, which can frequently lead to movie star delinquency.) It would not be long before his magnetic screen presence and deft improvisational skills would catch the eye of a Hollywood in a desperate search for its next everyman superstar. But while he seemed up to the tasks of blockbuster movie-making—whether sexing a hyperdeveloped co-star on the hood of an anthropomorphic Camaro, or getting thwacked in the balls by jungle vegetation—it was off-screen that LaBeouf began developing a reputation for recalcitrance. Shia, they whispered, was capital-t trouble.There was an arrest at a Chicago area pharmacy—for, as he tells it, disturbing the Walgreen's peace on an alcohol-fueled cigarette and Clearasil run. There was an unlawful smoking citation in Burbank, and a bench warrant issued when he failed to appear in court. And there was that leaked video of a Five-Fingered Mexican Roulette session, in which the adolescent superstar taunted his slap-fight sparring partner with a gay slur. Of course, that was was all just the overture for what was to come. Sunday morning at 2:30 a.m., LaBeouf made a left turn at the corner of LaBrea and Fountain. It was a seemingly simple driving maneuver made less so by three crucial factors: 1. The oncoming car didn't break in time. 2. He was drunk. 3. Michael Bay didn't shout, "Cut! Print! OK, let's move on to the Soundwave breakdancing sequence. Hustle, people—we're losing daylight!" through a bullhorn at the end of it. From the LAT:

As we write this, recent CSI casualty Gary Dourdan is likely recovering from an even gnarlier Coachella hangover than most: TMZ reports the actor was discovered by Palm Springs police asleep in his car at 5:21 a.m., upon which he was arrested on "suspicion of possession of heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drugs," otherwise known as the bare minimum required to make a Jack Johnson set seem remotely exciting. His genuinely pained mugshot—we seriously can't stare at it for more than a few seconds—is pictured above. Developing...

Denise Richards fling-survivor and two-time rehab graduate Richie Sambora experienced one of those nasty wake-up calls last night, stopped by Laguna cops shortly before 11:00 PM after swerving in a Black Hummer. "He failed numerous field sobriety tests and was detained for DUI. At the station Sambora opted to take a blood test rather than blow into a breathalyzer. Laguna Beach PD Sgt. Jason Kravetz [says], 'At this point there's no indication of drugs.'" Funny—we don't remember asking about drugs. We leave you now to spend some quiet time with Sambora's bemulleted mugshot, looking deep into those bloodshot eyes as you sing out to no one in particular, "Sometimes you tell the day/By the bottle that you drink/And times when you're all alone all you do is think."

It brings us no pleasure to inform you that Thomas Jane, star of the non-Dolph Lundgrenian version of The Punisher and husband of Patricia Arquette, was arrested early this morning for driving under the influence of a social lubricant. The details, as we know them so far:

While the plight of celebrity munchies-sufferers has been exhaustively documented in Pot Culture, their editors seem to forget that the communing with sweet bud by the highly recognizable masses is not something relegated to the current generation. Why, none other than Dawn Wells, Gilligan's Island's sacrificial-virgin offering to brunette-lovers, was picked up back in October for driving erratically on an Idaho highway. "A search produced four half-smoked joints and two small cases to store marijuana — which she blamed on hitchhikers." She was sentenced to a small fine and six months unsupervised probation, with her coconut bongs and hemp hammocks ordered confiscated from her ganja hut. And commenters be warned: All the Mary Ann/Mary Jane jokes have already been covered by Harvey Levin's ankle-shackled galley slaves. [TMZ]

Deck-chair-mangling Method actor Mischa Barton finally faced down her Christmastime D.U.I. yesterday, with a Beverly Hills Superior Court having issued four misdemeanor charges against The O.C. star relating to her drinking, driving, and deep-ganja-toking arrest:

18-year-old Barron Hilton has yet to really capture the world's imagination the way his older sisters Paris and Nicky have, his wealthy parents perhaps waiting until he turns 21 before gifting him with his very own orange-faced pet flack to encourage such profile-building. And while some suspected the Hilton family's dominant Shameless Famewhoring Gene may have skipped him entirely, the young heir may just have that Hilton magic after all, having been picked up this morning in Malibu for a DUI: