Eye disease! Springtime anorexia! Food pathogens! Coca-Cola chemicals! Chinese smoking! Tall blood clots! Botox lawsuits! Teen drinking! And legal stem cell research, yeah! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while smoking!

Katie Holmes' $50 million libel lawsuit against Star magazine has ended. In today's issue, Star apologized for a January story about how Tom Cruise and Scientology control Katie. Star says it "did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction." And Star's parent company, American Media, has made an "substantial donation" to an undisclosed charity in Katie's name.

Ever wondered how much meth you can squeeze into your sneakers? Between 800 grams and a kilo per pair, that's how much, apparently. Ten people from a Malaysian "tour group" were caught at the Auckland Airport in New Zealand yesterday, each with roughly the same amount of meth in their shoes totaling just over $8 million (USD). Customs agents were tipped off because the smugglers carried "itineraries that were in English but (they) couldn't speak English."

Pediatric socialists! E-cigarette regulation! Prostate testosterone! Antidepressant painkillers! Obese teens! Prescription take-backs! Young strokes! Natural allergies! And amazing acupuncture in Afghanistan! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with no regulation whatsoever!

Yeah, Mondays suck. But at least you're not Shawn Batie, who was arrested Friday high on meth near a cemetery, while "wearing an Oakland Raiders jacket, a g-string and a hair scrunchie around his genitals," okay? [KCRA]

A small plane crashed yesterday in New Mexico's Lake Heron, and there are no reports of survivors. However, shortly after the crash, police told the Santa Fe New Mexican that "several packages began surfacing," referring to packages of cocaine. Police have cordoned off the area and will dutifully report every last gram of cocaine that is retrieved from the lake.

Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson (R) declared his candidacy for President Thursday morning, adding a libertarian voice to the emerging GOP field.

More on asshole Coroberto Cordero who stabbed a woman with a pen on a 2 train, according to police: "I was just trying to light my blunt, and the bitch wouldn't leave me alone. So I hit her." Classy.

In honor of this whole stupid 4/20 thing, CNN has commissioned a poll on attitudes toward pot legalization (that's right, CNN is now programming around fake holidays dreamed up by stoned teenagers). And wealthy white people are the strongest supporters of legalized marijuana.

Today in New York Post drug stories: 35-year-old "deranged stoner" Cordero Coroberto decided a morning rush hour 2 train was a good spot to spark a blunt (which, according to the Post is "a cigar refilled with tobacco and marijuana"). Apparently the other commuters didn't feel like showing up for work with a contact high, so that's when Evelyn Seeger stepped in:

Disney star Vanessa Hudgens went to Coachella, where she pulled out a zippered pouch, reached inside, retrieved a mysterious white substance, licked it from her fingertip, and ignited a controversy: "Vanessa Hudgens Does Drugs at Coachella?" the internet asked. [Images via Pacific Coast News]

Boner pills! Cellphone cancer! Hospital infections! Leukemia drugs! Stillborn babies! Diet memory! Bipolar celebrities! Stank medications! And sexxxy news from 'neath the robes of Catholic womendom! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—against god's wishes!

Most Americans think of our neighbor to the south, the land of Meh-hee-ko, as a place primarily populated by taco-wielding mariachi bands passing out tequila shots in a welcoming spirit of friendship, speaking "espanyole." We regret to inform you that that impression may be overoptimistic.

In just over a month, law enforcement agencies have busted two massive marijuana growing operations on Staten Island. Agents from the DEA — along with the NYPD and New York State Police — on Monday raided a "sophisticated hydroponic grow house" and found 450 mature pot plants. Two men were also arrested in connection with the operation, which authorities told the Staten Island Advance was raking in about $10 million a year. Damn.

Chocolate milk! Going inside of your child's body, and doing who knows what to Aedynn's delicate little organs! In our nation's capital, the number one education is this: How chocolatey is too chocolatey?

Ray Logan has opened enrollment for his Marijuana State University, a three-hour workshop in Maine that teaches people how to grow marijuana in their homes. Logan is one of the nearly 1,000 people in the state who have a medicinal marijuana prescription. And now he's sharing his green thumb with the world.

I'm not entirely sure why Dennis Quaid has penned a short essay for Newsweek entitled "My Favorite Mistake: Cocaine," but he has, so let's blow through a few lines.

If you consider the Internet a drug, then we live in a world of addicts. A new study of 1,000 students around the world found that those who gave up the Internet felt intense withdrawal symptoms within 24 hours.

Estrogen risks! Sheep death! Synthetic drugs! Teen drugs! Teen sex! Facebook kidney! Berry cancer! Neck shocker! And your baby has an oddly-shaped head! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—head-scratchingly!

A new study finds that meditation can reduce pain by as much as half, even for people with very little meditation training. This makes it more effective than morphine! And certainly more effective than crying like a little sissy.