"If you don't have a bartender at your party, you're a loser," said a guy whose job is "to get models and Saudi royalty into hot clubs," to an NYT Style reporter at a party in a cramped Williamsburg apartment.

Ladies, ladies: we have your health report card, and it's not good. According to this, you've been getting drunker, fatter, and sluttier. It's like every woman in America is a freshman in college again. What's your excuse?

Noting their success at other grocery stores, Pittsburgh-area Walmart wonder emporiums are petitioning for permission to install self-serve wine kiosks that require an ID swipe and a breathalyzer. Makes sense, given Walmart's large and demanding wine-connoisseur/oenophile client base. Mm, Walmart-wine.

All-too-sober wine marketing mavens have their eyes on the wine drinkers of the future: The "Millennials," a.k.a. you, probably. Don't be intimidated, young Four Loko-swillers. The wine industry is going to make this whole thing very easy for you.

Being snowed in for eight days inside a fully-stocked pub doesn't sound so bad.

Today we talked about drinking on planes and drinking in airports! Yay! Good times for all! Except: Bad times for all, it turns out. Yeah, so said one commenter, some sort of flying expert.

How is the airline industry's plan to save itself by showering passengers in booze coming along? Swimmingly (in booze)! Let's check in on the latest ways you can drunk at inappropriate times in airports across America.

When a group of Dutch Embassy guys allegedly tried to leave Arthur's Tavern in Greenwich Village without paying a $315 tab, NYPD officers intervened and a brawl ensued, resulting in a chipped tooth, a broken finger and bruises. And arrests!

Who are the real victims of our government's Puritan frenzy to ban Four Loko for good? College kids—who the ban is supposed to help—and hardworking small businesspersons. Paging the Republican Congress! Your wedge issue is here!

It's Saturday morning so there's a good chance you're hung over. Not very fun! But at least you're not this girl, who got stuck in a dryer presumably after some serious drinking. And then her friends put it on YouTube.

Click to view New York Assembleyman Felix Ortiz feels so strongly about protecting his constituents from the poison Four Loko that he put his own life at risk by drinking it, on TV. Thank goodness a doctor was on hand.

The caffeine-infused cultural phenomenon known as Four Loko will no longer contain caffeine, guarana or taurine, according to a statement last night from its producer, Phusion Projects. The company remained defiant, saying, "the combination of alcohol and caffeine is safe."

After a fun campaign of widespread panic resulting in four state bans and an irresistible opportunity for political grandstanding, it looks like the FDA is set to ban caffeinated alcohol drinks once and for all—everywhere in America.

So maybe weed is bad for you, but on the other hand, drinking is good for you! If you're a middle-aged woman having a drink or two in the afternoon. Which—let's be honest—you are.

Frank Melchiorre, a 26-year-old New Jersey science teacher, was very popular with his students until he was arrested Wednesday for—well, just read the comments on his Facebook fan page, starting from the bottom. They tell the story.

Washington becomes the second state to ban caffeinated alcohol drinks, thereby solving all their problems.

The sale of Four Loko — the caffeinated booze of choice for totally awesome college dudes — has been banned in Michigan, and stores have 30 days to remove it from shelves. You can still purchase across state lines, though!

Human Halloween costume Carl Paladino, New York's Republican gubernatorial candidate, will lose to Andrew Cuomo by a full 100 percentage points tomorrow. So why shouldn't he just go nuts at a Buffalo bar on Halloween weekend?

Do you really need another reason to avoid the Meatpacking District? Here's one.

This has finally happened: Scientists have successfully grown a "miniature" human liver using stem cells. It's still in the early stages, but this is great news for drinkers of all ages. However, the ability to manufacture livers is years away.