Is Lindsay Lohan really drinking again? Did she actually have a miscarriage? It's all apparently up in the air in the wake of the harrowing finale of her reality show.

So there was this girl that I went to high school with, and basically she was/is a homophobic, mouth breathing waste of space that made my life at the time rather miserable. Anywho, recently I was on Grindr (like half my day at work) and I happened upon her still rather handsome/DILF-esque father. I messaged him and we struck up a conversation, although it's pretty obvious he has no idea who I am (though to tell the truth I have been a bit vague about some of the facts). I'm considering banging him, and then disclosing said banging to a few select individuals, knowing it would make its way back to her. Is that okay?

People down here in America's dongle like driving. And drinking. And apparently, driving off the buzz from drinking at home on your way to drinking at the bar.

No disrespect to people in foreign countries, but they are approximately the world's biggest suckers, when it comes to believing things about America. No, all Americans are not cowboys; we don't all own guns, and work at Disney Land; and we certainly don't make any good wine.

After a period of recession during which Americans were drinking less beer, Americans are once again drinking plenty of beer. But the millennial generation is not drinking enough beer. That is where a multibillion-dollar international brewing conglomerate's marketing team comes in.

"Still, there's a general sense that the drugs of choice for writers now are more often little blue pills than big brown bottles," writes Adam Gopnik, adding "(You can take the pill, and then send the kids to school.)" So those little blue pills would be, uh... Viagra? Valium? Please don't let it be Viagra.

Alcohol plays a large role in everyone's life. We use it to clean our many wounds, and we add certain percentages of the stuff to our gasoline, within certain states where that's required by regulations. Some of us even drink alcohol, for pleasure or otherwise. But you can count me out of that last group. For all of this year, so far, I have been "on the wagon."

Just in time for cold season, a new study reveals that moderate drinking can boost the immune system. We trust you'll use this information wisely come New Year's Eve.

Important new research proves that drinking lots and lots of wine every week makes men have "stronger sperm." This means the sperm is more likely to reach its "goal," which is some part of a lady, if the sperm was ejaculated in the general direction of a lady.

I hope you're happy, you disgusting animals.

If you rely on wine to relax, date, dance, sleep, have fun, and/or comment on the internet, your life is going to fall apart. We're facing a global wine shortage and it's only going to get worse.

This past June, Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler walked into a party full of drunk teenagers dancing on Skoal can-covered beer pong tables in Bethany Beach, Delaware. But did he, as Maryland's most powerful legal authority and a candidate for governor, do anything to stop it? Nope. He just found his teenage son, asked him a question, and left.

The federal government might be shut down but Michigan lawmakers are hard at work protecting our right to a good value. Rep. David Knezek (D-Dearborn Heights) and Rep. Brandon Dillon (D-Grand Rapids) have written a proposal to amend the state Liquor Control Act to make sure that when a pint of beer is offered at a bar or restaurant, customers are getting an “honest pint.”

Lah dee da, look at you, Ms. Classy, sipping on some wine, right out of a wine glass. No pulls of Popov straight from the bottle for you! Only the best, when it comes to drinking. The fact is, ma'am, you are drunk. And no wonder. You have no idea how much you're drinking.

America, as a nation, is as drunk as it's been in a long, long time. We are seriously fucked up. We have a problem. It was bad enough when we were guzzling mouthwash and rubbing alcohol. Now, we've turned to something even more revolting: "whipped cream vodka."

Those of you who were fortunate enough to attend a high school with white, rural, male students will be unsurprised to learn that white, rural, male high school students are wasted. So, so wasted.

If your kid develops language skills at an early age, chances are he’ll also develop drinking skills at a much earlier age. Or so says the latest study that correlates early intellectual development with heavier drinking habits.

A new study shows that raising cigarette taxes may also lead to lower alcohol consumption, because if you can't chain smoke while getting drunk, then fuck it.

One of America's strangest educational rituals—assessing which of our nation's fucked-up college students get the most fucked up—is upon us again. And this year, Iowa City's University of Iowa has been picked by the Princeton Review as the drunkest and raging-est institute of higher learning the United States has to offer. Congratulations, U of I! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

John Morillo, a 47-year-old Canadian man, apologized today for causing an international incident last night when he drank eight beers and then swam across the Detroit River, just to prove to his friends he could.