• It's no fun living near Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Neighbors in the West Village say the two are "spoiled brats" since they have bodyguards posted outside their apartment on West 13th Street who make neighbors get off the stoop whenever the twins are arriving home, and the twins keep SUVs idling in front of the building for hours at a time. [P6]

• George Gurley's brilliant survey of the social scenesters you'll find hanging out at the Beatrice Inn. [Gawker]

• Today host Ann Curry moved during the national anthem at the Republican National Convention, because NBC hates freedom. Then she pointed at a nice lady from Alaska and yelled, because she is a terrorist. The Virgin Islands were also terribly offended. [P6]

• Britney Spears is supposedly furious with her mother over her upcoming tell-all, which accuses the pop star's former manager of grinding up pills and sneaking them into her meals. She should be in a better mood, however, after she reads all the positive reviews from her appearance on the VMAs last night, where she kicked off the show and later won three awards. [P6, NYP]

That would be comedienne Rosie O'Donnell, wig-wearer Donald Trump, crazy actress Julianne Moore, crazy actor Alec Baldwin, New York thoroughbred Sarah Jessica Parker, and celebrated thespian Patricia Clarkson. And they're all nice! Or so says Village Voice darling and all around geigh dude Michael Musto, based on his experiences with how they treat the press. Ahh, they're nice to the press huh? They always remember names and stuff? Well that's easy enough to fake. They just have their assistants look up whatever journalist they're meeting with that day, print out a picture, and make a little flashcard. Simple as that! Of course these people are friendly to the press. They're at work. Though I'm sure myriad waiters and Starbucks baristas and parking valets and hotel concierges would agree with the choices, right? Right?

"[Sunday business editor Timothy] O'Brien ridicules [Publisher Arthur] Sulzberger... He thinks Sulzberger is a dummy." [Post]

• The lawsuit between Donald Trump and Times reporter Timothy O'Brien continues: A judge has ordered Arthur Sulzberger Jr. to submit to a deposition, which the publishing scion isn't all that happy about. [P6]

Currently enmeshed in a terrible global conspiracy involving 17-year-old girls, U.S. District Judges, a shadowy cabal of vampires (and most likely the Stonemasons), Girls Gone Wild proprietor Joe Francis is on the hunt for a way to restore his good name — and there's no one more willing to help than Donald Trump. Already the crown prince of magnanimity thanks to his selfless (some might say tear-inducing) bail-out of the beleaguered Ed McMahon, Hollyscoop says that the billionaire and the porn purveyor are set to team up:

Yes, you read that headline correctly, and now you can experience the magic for yourselves. This comes to us via Videogum, and it appears (sniff) to be some sort of portal into (whimper, voice crack) Trump's brilliant, wealth-accumulating mind via your TV at 4 a.m. (sooooobbbbb). After the jump, an equally insane clip about Trump's love of red meat—a point he's driven home before on The Apprentice, if we're not mistaken, in a lyrical metaphor for sexual preference that compared enjoying gay sex to eating spaghetti.

Is there a word for that movement that fake rich guy Donald Trump makes when he kind of sneers a little bit and jerks his head spasmodically to the side, in an evil remix version of the "what can I say?" shrug? Let's call it a Derk (Donald Jerk). It's on full display in this infomercial clip, which may be the most perfect distillation I've ever seen of both the humiliation of appearing in an infomercial, and Donald Trump's fundamental asshole nature. This actress actually gets choked up simply by being in his regal, sneering presence. What can he do except pull a Derk? It sends the message, "You know, I'm the biggest prick in the whole world." But she likes it baby, yea:

• Matt Damon's wife Luciana gave birth to the couple's second child together yesterday, a girl named Gia Zavala Damon. [NYDN]

• Michael Targoff, the CEO of Loral Space & Communications, paid $10.025 million for a penthouse co-op at 778 Park Avenue, the building that was once home to the likes of Brooke Astor and William F. Buckley and, until last year, Vera Wang. [Cityfile]
  

Cheers to Ed McMahon, whose week started with more miserable news about lawsuits and money owed but ends with word that he's managed at least one solution: He's found a buyer for his Beverly Hills manse, which was mere weeks away from foreclosure after the beleaguered 85-year-old legend defaulted on $4.8 million in loans with Countrywide. Alas, the inevitable catch: The buyer is Donald Trump, who boasted to the LA Times about his "honor" in leasing the home back to McMahon, adding, "When I was at the Wharton School of Business, I'd watch him every night. How could this happen?" Good question, and one that's partially answered in a fascinating advertisement published this week in the Los Angeles MLS Open House Guide. There, broker Alex Davis made a last-minute, full-page appeal on McMahon's behalf, laying out the dire scenario along with some of the speed bumps he and McMahon had struck along the way: "Lowball offers" of $4.6 million, flaky speculators, and the last of the bank's deadline extensions. But finally the pitch comes down to selling McMahon himself: "[Y]ou will be the hero of a man who's been the hero of so many others if you could help bring this deal to fruition." Ah — so that's what Trump was after. Read the full ad after the jump.

• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will be tying the knot in California tomorrow. Portia is expected to wear a Zac Posen gown in front of their 20 guests. [Us, P6]

• Guests at a Bridgehampton benefit thrown by Gwyneth Paltrow were upset they couldn't mingle with their A-list host on Saturday night, since she was sequestered inside the house and off-limits to partygoers. But the real reason she wasn't mingling with the crowd may have been because she ditched the party early to attend Mariah Carey's wedding bash at LA Reid's house. [R&M, Page Six, Fox411]

• The federal probe into what exactly caused Heath Ledger's death has officially been closed. Which means Mary-Kate Olsen is off the hook, will not have to testify, and can return to her normal (or not-so-normal) life. [NYDN]

The Observer sits down with attorney Jonathan Mechanic, widely considered to be one of the city's best-connected real estate attorneys. His clients? How about Jerry Speyer, Steve Roth, Stephen Green, Mike Bloomberg, Bruce Ratner, Doug Durst, Mort Zuckerman, Harry Macklowe, Miki Naftali, William Zeckendorf, Gary Barnett, Bill Rudin, Donald Trump, Kent Swig, Joe Moinian, and Larry Silverstein. We're exhausted just reading that list. [NYO]

Angelina Jolie might think her new twins are pretty special now that she's earned a cool $14 million for the photo rights. But there are plenty of New York socialite moms who think their kids are pretty important, too. Will any of these kids turn into the Tinsley Mortimer or Peter Davis of 2025? Take you best guess at who these little youngsters are related to, then click through for the answers.

• Ashley Dupre's reps, who have been negotiating deals on her behalf, say she's interested in "journalism and lounge singing," and that she "sees herself as a kind of Dr. Phil." Appropriately, the $2 million TV offer she's considering would team her up with the producer to reunited Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher. [NYP]

If you talk to Donald Trump, he'll happily tell you he's worth $6 billion. No one really believes that figure, of course. Forbes estimated his net worth at $3 billion in 2008. And Tim O'Brien, the New York Times reporter who wrote the 2005 book TrumpNation and devoted an entire chapter to debunking estimates of Trump's riches, pegged the figure at $150 million. (The suggestion that Trump was not, in fact, a billionaire led The Donald to file a libel suit against O'Brien and his publisher for $5 billion.) Presumably even O'Brien would concede Trump is worth more than $150 million these days, what with all those deals to license his name to developments from Denver to Dubai and lines of steak, water, clothing, cologne, and motor oil. (Okay, we made that last one up.) When it comes to the Donald J. Trump Foundation, however, it may not be in his best interest to exaggerate. Because if he really was worth $6 billion, he'd also be one of the cheapest men in the city. Trump handed out just $850,000 last year, the equivalent of someone worth $1 million giving away a total of $141. It's progress, though! The figure is triple what he gave away in 2003.