disease

No One Knows How Deadly Froot Loops Are

Hamilton Nolan · 08/02/10 11:53AM

If you're like me, you may have just *assumed* that if a chemical is being manufactured in large quantities and placed in your breakfast cereal, there would be *some* evidence that it will not kill you. Not true at all!

Swingers More Likely to Have Gonorrhea Than Prostitutes

Max Read · 06/24/10 02:37AM

Swingers have higher rates of sexually transmitted infection than prostitutes by almost two-to-one, according to a new study conducted in Dutch clinics. Scientists say older swingers are particularly gross. Uh, vulnerable. Particularly vulnerable. [Reuters]

Scientists 'Cure' Ebola, Curse Movies to Find New Virus

Ravi Somaiya · 05/28/10 12:13PM

If a breakthrough that cures 100 per cent of the vicious virus in monkeys can be applied to humans, movies like Outbreak and Virus will become no more than historical whimsy. And they'll have to make movies about athlete's foot.

Pooping Yourself Dead, and Other Health Secrets

Hamilton Nolan · 05/27/10 12:40PM

E. coli-infested food! Metal-infested drugs! Fancy-infected doctors! Whooping-infested coughs! Harlem-infested hospitals! And liver-infested poop! It's your lifesaving Health Watch, where we watch your health—while infested with wisdom!

Dengue Fever Strikes Florida, Could Spread

Ravi Somaiya · 05/22/10 10:31AM

Dengue Fever — the Outbreak-esque disease that can liquefy organs — has been diagnosed in dozens of people in Florida. "Infectious disease experts say it could spread to other parts of the US." [Crain's]

The Test That Will Make Hypochondriacs Even Crazier

Jeff Neumann · 04/30/10 06:19AM

It would be nice to know your chances of getting cancer, diabetes, or heart disease later in life, right? Soon, for around $1,000, you can, with your very own genome test. Sounds like fun!

How Do Scientists Suggest We Enjoy that Fresh Tobacco Flavor, Then?

Hamilton Nolan · 04/19/10 10:53AM

Scientists are bashing minty tobacco-filled "Camel Orbs" candies, because they might get kids addicted to nicotine. "Nuh uh" a big tobacco spokesman retorts. When will scientists hop off the bitchy teen hater train, and onto the nicotine flavor train? [NYT]

Darn: Steroids Have a Downside

Hamilton Nolan · 12/10/09 12:36PM

Oh shoot, unexpected setback: Steroids may not be 100% good, for your body. The outside of your body, yes, totally ripped bro. But inside, ripped in the bad sense, like "your kidney has a rip in it, bro, ugly."

Smokers Will Die Broker

Hamilton Nolan · 10/16/09 09:07AM

Scientists have now produced overwhelming evidence that bans on smoking lead to a healthier, less dead population. What does this mean for you and your typically unhealthy creative underclass lifestyle? It means it's time to pay for your sins.

Swine Flu Officially a Tool of Satan

Hamilton Nolan · 10/09/09 09:14AM

The deadly Mexican Pig Flu's dirtiest deed yet: Coming between you and the literal body and blood of Christ. You will pay dearly for this, heathen microbe.

We Have Swine Flu to Look Forward To

Hamilton Nolan · 08/25/09 08:57AM

Right this very minute, trillions of deadly Mexican Pig Flu microbes are just cold chillin' in nooks and crannies somewhere, waiting for the fall flu season, when they will emerge and strike nearly 100,000 Americans dead. Say scientists!

Stay Tuned for Sports, Traffic, and Swine Flu

Hamilton Nolan · 07/21/09 09:46AM

The dreaded Mexican Pig Flu will be back. Oh yes. Of that, there is no question. A few months from now, you will wake up to hear daily Swine Flu Reports sandwiched between weather and traffic. Not a joke!

New York Times Will Take Any Damn Ad

Hamilton Nolan · 07/15/09 01:07PM

Look at this nasty ad for shingles medication. It is featured prominently on the New York Times home page today. Is there no gross ad the Hobo NYT will not display, in exchange for precious money? (Click for full grossness!)