disease

Turns Out Like Everybody Had Swine Flu

Hamilton Nolan · 06/11/09 08:31AM

Are you a resident of New York City? If you answered 'yes,' have you passed away in the last two months? Surely you have. Look to your left. Look to your right. Both of those people have swine flu!

Swine Flu Panic: Over

Hamilton Nolan · 05/27/09 02:09PM

Two more New Yorkers with swine flu have died. Why isn't there a fresh round of PANIC? Because it looks like the worst is over. And we're not all dead!

Everything Everywhere Closed. Swine Flu.

Hamilton Nolan · 05/01/09 10:39AM

Remember how after 9/11, every backwater public library in Iowa and auditorium in Missouri spent millions terrorist-proofing themselves, JUST TO BE READY? Swine flu panic is the new that.

Deadly Swine Flu Panic Sweeps TV Journalists!

Hamilton Nolan · 04/27/09 03:21PM

Washing your hands hundreds of time: will it save you? From swine flu, maybe. But not from the pig disease death meme that has claimed the minds of many of our nation's television news stars!

The 'Blatant Lies' School of Advertising

Hamilton Nolan · 02/26/09 03:42PM

Dinosaurs: "They would still be here if they hadn't caught a cold," says this ad for aspirin-plus-vitamin-C. Product slogan: "So you don't catch a cold." Can you spot the two flaws in this campaign?

Montauk Monster In Secret Mutant Army?

Ryan Tate · 08/07/08 10:15PM

Ken Layne over at Wonkette has done some heroic digging into Plum Island, the Department of Homeland Security-run animal horror lab suspiciously close not only to Montauk, where our friend Monty washed ashore, but to a long string of terrifying outbreaks and hybrid animal attacks. We knew from the start of the Montauk Monster mystery that Plum Island was at the center of various conspiracy theories, but when one looks at the entire awful history in one blog post, one must inevitably conclude that, despite its shifty and inconsistent denials, the federal government is assembling there a fearsome monster army that, if left unchecked, will someday slaughter us while we sleep.

Amy Winehouse Has Emphysema

ian spiegelman · 06/22/08 09:15AM

Disappearing singer Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with emphysema, according to her father. "'The doctors have told her if she goes back to smoking drugs it won't just ruin her voice, it will kill her,' he was quoted as saying in the Sunday Mirror. 'The doctors have said that if she had continued the way she was going she could have ended up an invalid-she wouldn't have been able to breathe.' He added: 'She's got emphysema. It's in its early stages, but had it gone on for another month they painted a very vivid picture of her sitting there like an old person with a mask on her face struggling to breathe.'"

Your Tomatoes May Kill You!

Hamilton Nolan · 06/09/08 04:48PM

McDonald's has pulled all tomatoes out of its stores because of a DEADLY POISON salmonella scare! Winn-Dixie, Ralphs, Vons, and Albertsons supermarkets are pulling some tomatoes from their shelves! Taco Bell, Chipotle, and (a tipster says) Subway: pulling tomatoes! For your safety. Again: THE RAW RED TOMATOES IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR MAY HARBOR DEADLY MICROBES PREPARED TO ROT YOU FROM THE INSIDE. In a servicey attempt to keep all of you in good health, we are pasting this weekend's FDA warning after the jump:

American Girls: Britney Learns a Lesson

Richard Lawson · 04/10/08 12:24PM

Britney Spears, the living embodiment of Slimer from Ghostbusters, was very moved by last night's Idol Gives Back. She donated $25,000 to aid malaria relief in Africa: "She didn't know much about the disease, so she Googled it. She was horrified to realize kids were dying from mosquito bites. So she went online and donated after getting [her dad] Jamie's permission. She used her Amex." [Showbiz Spy]