The future is now: Television is going 3-D! According to the LA Times, the Discovery Channel and ESPN are launching 24/7 3-D channels in the near future. But what will today's shows be like in 3-D? We have the answer!

• Prepare to enter the third dimension. ESPN plans to launch a 3D channel in June. And Discovery, Imax and Sony are teaming up on a 3D channel, too.
• Has Kathy Griffin been banned from CNN following her risqué performance alongside Anderson Cooper on New Year's Eve? Maybe yes, maybe no.
• Newsday is cutting pay and vacations for 1,100 of its employees. [NYP]
• Apple's buzzed-about tablet device comes out in March. [WSJ]
• Google's buzzed-about mobile phone/iPhone ripoff debuted today. [BN]
• You'll be relieved to hear that the New York Times has no plans to follow in Kim Kardashian's footsteps and begin sticking ads in its tweets. [AdAge]
• Coming soon: Publicist Kelly Cutrone's TV show and self-help book. [WWD]
• Nielsen closed Kirkus Reviews last week, but it may now have a savior. [NYT]
• Conveyor of Love, the new reality show on ABC that combines dating and the latest in baggage handling technology, is off to a solid start. [Wrap]
• Will Avatar turn out to be the biggest movie ever? Maybe! [MTV]

• Comcast is "close" to a deal to take control of NBC Universal. [NYT]
• Scripps Networks, which controls the Food Network and HGTV, is close to taking over the Travel Channel for the low, low price of $1 billion. [NYT]
• The critically-acclaimed cop drama Southland is coming back. Although NBC canceled the show, TNT now plans to air the remaining episodes. [LAT]
• It's been a rocky road for Jay Leno since moving to 10pm, which may explain why he says he'd go right back to his old time slot if NBC requested it. [B&C]
• Oprah has signed on to narrate a new Discovery Channel nature series. [NYT]
• Universal Music is bringing in a successor to CEO Doug Morris. [BW]
• The Jackson doc This Is It was No. 1 at the box office this weekend. [THR]
• Did you know that in the '80s, Sue Simmons used to knock back a couple of cocktails and hit the clubs before the 11pm newscast? How scandalous! [NYO]

• Desperate times, desperate measures: The New York Times is thinking about charging a $5 monthly fee for access to its Web site. [BN, NYP]
• Jay-Z is close to signing a book deal with the Spiegel & Grau imprint of Random House; the book will include "the stories behind his lyrics." [NYO]
• Moneyball lives: Sony Pictures is attempting to salvage the movie by hiring Aaron Sorkin to polish the script and adding Scott Rudin as a producer. [NYT]
• A list of prominent media/web people and their public speaking fees. [PC]
• The media moguls in Sun Valley may not be interested in buying Twitter, but there is some good news: The British royal family has signed up! [AP]
• Discovery Channel has been promoting "Shark Week" by sending out bloody swim trunks and personalized obituaries to reporters. Charming. [Movieline]
• Depressing news: Ryan Seacrest makes a lot more money than you do. [THR]
• Great news: NBC's Jeff Zucker says we may have reached bottom. [B&C]

• Hachette is looking to sell a big bunch of magazines, including Road & Track, Car & Driver, American Photo, Boating, Cycle World, Sound & Vision, and Flying. Package deals available; financing not so much. [AdAge, MW]
• Dick Parsons will step down from the Time Warner board in May. [Crains]
• Time Warner is buying a stake in Ron Lauder's European TV company. [PC]
• Discovery chief David Zaslav is "cable's fastest rising star," according to Forbes. Also: You're welcome to call him "Zazz" if you'd like. [Forbes]
• More on the media tour that Eliot Spitzer has been on recently. [NYO]
• It seems the Obama administration is looking at ways to avoid the "filter of the mainstream media." That sounds familiar, doesn't it? [Politico]
• Further proof that CNBC sucks, assuming you need some. [MediaMatters]
• Barry Meyer and Alan Horn will spend two more years at Warner Bros. [THR]
• George Lopez has a new talk show on TBS. Contain your excitement. [NYT]

• NBC chief Jeff Zucker says that despite the fact Jim Cramer got his ass handed to him last week by Jon Stewart, it's had absolutely no impact on CNBC. Believe that and you may also be willing to buy that everything's perfect at MSNBC and NBC, and Zucker has a perfect head of hair, too. [Portfolio, B&C]
• Crain Communications has cut 150 staffers and sliced salaries by 10%. [PC]
• Don Hewitt, the creator of 60 Minutes, is in the hospital with cancer. [Wow]
• Media advertising fell 2.6% in 2008, according to Nielsen. [B&C]
• Interview seems to be having financial difficulties. [Gawker]
• Discovery has filed a patent suit against Amazon over the Kindle. [WSJ]
• The Hills's Audrina Patridge has a reality show of her own in the works. [THR]
• CNN's Lou Dobbs is a racist. But you probably knew that already. [Gawker]

♦ Graydon Carter says Vanity Fair plans to go ahead with its annual Oscar party, but "the party will be a much more intimate affair than in years past; we're going to scale back the guest list considerably." [DH]
♦ No replacement is planned for Alan Colmes: Fox News plans to have Sean Hannity serve as solo host of the nightly show. [NYT]
♦ Ted Koppel is parting ways with the Discovery Channel. [NYT]
♦ Looks like OK! has been cutting back on copy editors. The cover of the new issue misspells Ashlee Simpson's name. [HuffPo]

"When I’m promoting a show for program for Discovery I turn into a giant media slut.'" [TV Decoder]

True, by now we've become somewhat accustomed to the trickery employed by so-called "reality" TV to achieve the sorts of heightened, 12-unemployed-bartenders -living-on-the- Radford-lot drama that keeps us glued to our sets. But we hold certain networks to a higher standard. History Channel—we expect those Ice Road Truckers to be careening over real roads, on real ice, in real trucks. And Discovery Channel: You offer us the delicious prospect of a Deadliest Catch, well then, that 5,000-lb. crab-leviathan your crew are hauling in better be the real thing, and not some Ray Harryhausenesque flight-of-fancy. Unfortunately, THR has stumbled upon a production outline that suggests the Xtreme fishing show may have been fudging some of the details:

The Discovery Channel has purchased How Stuff Works for $250 million. The website has 11 million monthly unique visitors. [WSJ]

• Jeff Zucker's new CEO of NBC job is going to be sort of a tough gig. [NYT]
  

A memo from Discovery Communications today announces that Ted Koppel — yes, the one from Nightline — has been named managing editor of the Discovery Channel. And so, after 42 years of hard news at ABC, the man takes his hair and a slew of its former staffers not to HBO, as previously rumored, but to basic cable:

A man brings up a Discovery Channel special he recently saw on astronomy. He says that he and his wife are sitting in bed watching it, and as a diagram of the solar system flashes onto the screen, his wife remarks that she didn't know the earth revolved around the sun. "How could you not know that?" he asks, incredulously. "Oh, shut up!" she snaps. "You don't know how to get to Neiman Marcus! Which do you think is going to be more useful?"