In last night's premiere episode of Bravo's Real Housewives of New York City no one bothered to stay in New York City very long. They all flounced off to their gaudy Hamptons manses or, in one ridiculous case, to the classy-talk speaking island of St. Barth's. Ramona, the most image conscious of the leathery ladies, flirted with her nincompoop tennis pro and got drunk poolside with her dopey friends, much to the chagrin of her stick-up-her-ass daughter. Betheny, some sort of aspiring Martha Stewart (and the youngest and only single member of the group) didn't do anything memorable. Jill, the one from the Long Island "Jewish ghetto" who does bulk resale, pranced around playing tennis and sending her perfectly healthy looking daughter off to some sort of weight loss detox program. LuAnn De Lesseps (the countess) barked at her maid and talked about money. And then there's Alex, the stern-jawed Brooklynite (she's the only one who doesn't live on the Upper East Side) who, with her fey Australian husband and forcibly French speaking children, trotted off to St. Barth's to avoid the crush of the Hamptons. There she and her husband wore hideously skimpy bathing costumes and bought tens of thousands of dollars worth of ugly dresses.

Professionally inaccurate Times TV critic Alessandra Stanely may have topped herself this morning, when she added a year to the war in Iraq. Stanley, you see, wanted to tell everyone about how the big broadcast networks have dumbed down their programming, to the point where they ignored the Tuesday presidential primaries in Texas and instead showed cheesy reality shows like "The Biggest Loser" and "Big Brother." This was stupid, Stanley said, because election news can get big ratings, as evidenced by last week's Democratic debate, which managed to attract a bigger audience that America's invasion of Iraq, six years ago:

Ha ha, you thought the endless nightmare battle between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama was finally coming to a close, but Hillary just won Texas, Ohio and precious Rhode Island, gave a chipper speech and ordered aides to convene a special EMERGENCY conference call to slam Obama for doing crafty evil things to the proud caucusers of Texas, which means the seven weeks until the next important primary are going to eat your soul. Sure, there will be twee little elections in Mississippi and Wyoming to interrupt the arguing, but until Pennsylvania awards its 21 delegates on April 22, Clinton and Obama will mostly just be left torture everyone with endless bickering. What exactly will they yell at each other? Predictably, the Obama campaign said Clinton is going to throw all kinds of mud, while the Clinton campaign said it also thought Clinton would throw all kinds of mud:

Perez HIlton seems to think that he's discovered a magical portal into pile o' drugs rockabilly rascal Pete Doherty's soul. Well, at least into his crack smoking. The famous blogger, known for his professionalism, has found Mr. Doherty's YouTube account. The videos that the supposed "Doherty" has uploaded are mostly in keeping with a crazed drug addict's tastes: silent footage of a fire burning, wee Englishmen walking about a darkened house with nothing more than a candle, etc. Oh, and a glass chicken full of smoke. Yep. That's all it is, but Perez decides that it's abject proof of drug use (he's "taking a hit" from the glass chicken, to use the lingo). It's even less conclusive than the video of now dead actor Heath Ledger sniff snorting on some cocaine. Even though, erm, Doherty has a long history of drug use and would probably take a hit out of his mother if she were full of sweet, sweet crack smoke. But still, it could be anything! Tobacco! Or, marijuana! Or... Oh for fuck's sake it's crack, isn't it? Just roll the damn tape. (After the jump.) [Perez]

In an effort to rescue her presidential campaign, Hillary Clinton has been trying to butter up the press, including by pretending to like author and magazine writer Gail Sheehy, who aired Clinton's dirty laundry throughout the 1990s. Well, that ruse is up: Clinton last night installed the pack of reporters trailing her campaign in the men's room of an Austin community center. All the female reporters rushed to avoid the urinals, but former New Yorker editor Tina Brown, who is working on a biography of Clinton, lost out and ended up "gamely typing away close to a toilet," according the Wall Street Journal. And Sheehy? She leveraged the insult into the best sort of revenge, the kind played out in front of television cameras:

Everything was going so well for Kimberly, 20, of Worcester, Massachusetts on America's Next Top Model. She had a "stunning" photo shoot, "one of the best so far." Then she had to go and tell host Tyra "Cross Me And I Will Claw Your Eyes Out" Banks that "fashion does not interest me at all... I don't find it interesting." Oh holy god. The judges' jaws dropped, the other models started to lose it, and Tyra yelled "WHY DID YOU COME HERE?!" Never mind that Tyra cut six other models to keep this girl in the running, which is bad enough.No: You do not badmouth fashion to this lioness of modeling. The girl of course barely made it out alive, mostly because she agreed to leave the show. Hopefully on Wednesday Tyra will have to snap someone's neck like a twig, because watching people (try to) cross Banks is awesome:

Crazy old Courtney Love continues to regale the internet with her drunken ramblings. This time the rock and/or roller rants at length, on a CitySearch page no less, about how New York accounting firm Altman, Greenfield, & Selvaggi has bilked her out of some money. "my forensic pyschiatrist looked at herbooks and declared Victoria Blake to be 'psychotic'", she keens. "Selvaggis justa bad guy, theres Beemers and ironically he opened a joint business account with an ex boyfriend who rana MASSIVE real estate scam involving unincoprated townships and convalescent homes through these accounts." Big words! She also mentions that members of Kurt Cobain's family have been nefariously cheated. Is it real? Is it fake? Either way real Courtney Love or fake Courtney Love has wayyy too much time on her hands. The full, bizarre missive after the jump.

Sad, lonely gay gossip columnist Perez Hilton (née Mario Lavandeira) would like to help you, young up-and-coming (and male, definitely male) gossip writer, so long as you send him sex videos of yourself masturbating and doing other filthy stuff. Oh, and then he, uh, won't actually help you. That's what happened to poor Jonathan Jaxson, a peppy young upstart who was promised a bountiful cornucopia of gossip and sssssecrets so long as Perez got the sexy home movies right away. Sad, lonely, gay gossip column Page Six (which, in its piece, manages to get in a random jab at the New York Times) apparently has pages and pages of IM conversations between the two that paint a bleak, desperate picture of Perez: "you should totally make a sex tape . . . (but not with me)." Evidently Perez did get the videos from Jaxson, but then never sent any information over or helped him out in anyway. "I fell in love with Perez. I thought he had a huge heart . . . but he's just a asshole," the broken hearted Jaxon tells Page Six (we're assuming the "ass", P6 just said "bleep"). Oh... It's just devastating, blog buddies! [P6] After the jump, a couple of videos of Jaxson, who is exactly as depressing as you'd expect.

Your mournful, desperate prayers have been answered. Big fat loudmouth Rosie O'Donnell is working on a sitcom with big Botoxed loudmouth (and Nanny) Fran Drescher. All that's been spilled about the show is that it's about three best friends. People on Rosie's blog seem quite excited about watching a half hour of shrieking every week, saying things like "omg... you and fran are going to be the new lucy and ethel! i am about to bust at the thought of it," [Disclosure: That was me.] In response to the news, Red Cross volunteers have begun handing out pistols and Barbara Kingsolver novels on street corners. [LAT]

After watching her big sister Lindsay flame out at the box office, endure several stints in rehab, flee daily from the paparazzi, and get banned from parties, it's only natural that 14-year-old Ali Lohan would point a bony finger and say "Me want." "I grew up watching Lindsay," she says in an upcoming Teen Vogue interview ,"It made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you ... it's so cool when people look up to you." Hm. Yes. Like Lindsay, lying in a gutter, asking for help. If you're curious about how this is all going to play out, Ali and family (including, most intriguingly, child eating Rose Hovickian mother Dina) are the stars of a new E! reality series that documents her fledgling acting and singing career. Sniff. [Showbiz Spy] If you're even more curious, a video interview with Ali after the jump.

First Chelsea Clinton left a nine-year-old Scholastic News reporter "crestfallen" by stonewalling her interview request, saying, "I don't talk to the press, and that applies to you." Around the same time, Chelsea's mom Hillary attacked Democratic presidential opponent Barack Obama for statements he made while in kindergarten. Now Gary Busey has taken child pundit abuse to new extremes, playing serious hardball with an 11-year-old StarzLife reporter outside the Oscar after-party of the United Nations Children's Foundation. According to StarzLife, "a'Busey" was "visibly intoxicated," yanked away the camera from the reporter and "proceeded to bend down and spit-yell right to the little girl's face." Busey has already apologized to his idol Ryan Seacrest for behavior earlier in the evening, but given that child reporters now get about as much respect as paparazzi, StarzLife wisely decided to just post the whole thing to YouTube and move on to the next belligerent public figure:

Poor kooky Gary Busey, who accosted celebrities like Ryan Seacrest on the Oscars red carpet, is just trying to apologize. But his crazy vapors keep muddling his mouth words so instead of just saying "I'm sorry Ryan" he calls the plastic personality "an innocent champion of honesty." He also claims that he didn't know that Ryan was in the middle of an interview. Busey, who has "an interesting odor", actually thought that he and Ryan were alone in a peaceful meadow, where truth needed championing and hugs were beautiful gifts from the gods. Video about his apology after the jump.

Lindsay Lohan went to rehab and then got to be naked Marilyn Monroe in New York magazine, but maybe it's all just too much because now she's having trouble standing upright, even when surrounded by handlers and cameras. In the following video, Lohan is next to her waiting car in front of a Hollywood nightclub and takes an awful spill. Lohan is said to have fallen while trying to get into the car. But the tumble looks much more vertical than that — she's standing straight up one second, crumpled on the sidewalk the next. It's hard to imagine, but maybe she was a little, well, drunk. The video is difficult to make out, since it was shot through a raindrop-stained car window, so we've repeated the relevant portion three or four times:

Ohh dear. Not only does Whoopi Goldberg have to suffer the daily indignity of being a chatting head on The View, but now her co-hosts had to go and rub it in that the Oscar winning actress and Oscar hosting actress was not shown in one of the montages last night. Sherri Shepherd prattled on and on about how it must be so terrible to feel so slighted and Barbara Walters inadvertently said that nothing Whoopi did on the Oscars was a Great Moment. Whoopi just sat there, miserable, trying to telekinetically collect the remaining shards of her dignity that were being strewn around the soft-touch set, willy-nilly. Embarrassing video after the jump.

Did you watch the premiere, on Wednesday night, of the newest iteration of Tyra Banks' hop hop hopping mad clusterfuck America's Next Top Model? You didn't??? You mean you didn't see where the girl talks about drinking her own breast milk or when one lady asks another lady who was circumcised at the age of seven back in Somalia if she "feels like less of a woman"? Well, I'd like to say I didn't either, but sadly, I was coerced. It being the most hideous show ever created, Top Model does warrant some attention, but not too much. Like, don't actually watch it or anything. Instead watch the provided clip, after the jump. It's long, but it's the only nine minutes and twenty five seconds of this show you will ever need to subject yourself to. Oh, and there's a lap dance!

Pete Doherty, rock musician and skinny little skeleton full of drugs, has been asked to model for a line of cheap clothing, and he wants proper payment. The company reportedly offered him $10,000 but, Doherty, who is a pretty pretty flower and not horrifying looking at all, demanded more more more. Six times more, to be exact. "When they said 30,000 [$60K] I nearly had a heart attack. Who does he think he is, Claudia Schiffer?" remarked a spokesman for the company. No, he's not Claudia Schiffer. He's better and important and used to date a famous lady. Babyshambles wants money. Give him more money for precious druggy wuggies. [Showbiz Spy] After the jump, more evidence of Doherty's stunning good looks (maybe NSFW. He says FUCK.)

Reality TV star (and the Maria Callas of her generation) Heidi Montag recently traveled to the exclusive resort town of Atlantic City, NJ where she and boyfriend/aspiring Svengali Spencer Pratt enjoyed the fine dining. Oh, and because they can't go anywhere without some branch of the tabliverse in tow, they happened to find time for an interview with OK! magazine. The interviewer, Alisandra Puliti, compliments Heidi on her appearance in her latest music video, saying "You have the abs that Britney used to!" Creepy! Even creepier is when Pratt describes Montag's good will toward men: "I'll find her on the floor praying and I'll ask, who are you praying for, and she'll say everybody." Aww/Shriek! She's just like Tiny Tim. I guess it's a nice idea, though. When I'm blue or lonely (usually after watching The Hills) I'll just think of Heidi, with her old Britney abs, rolling around on a beach or sprawled out on the floor, praying for me. [OK! via ohnotheydidn't] After the jump, one of the better parodies of Montag's "Higher" video.

Courtney Love is the same as the rest of us. Much like you and I (or maybe just me), the addled and insane singer/songwriter (and better singer/songwriter marry-er) sometimes gets trashed and goes on the internet and writes embarrassing things. Her medium of choice seems to be her MySpace blog (Why must celebrities have blogs?) Last week she posted an angry rant directed at a person who had published Courtney's friend's phone number, saying it was the rock star's. Now the friend is getting tons of calls and Courtney is just fed fucking up with it. The most wonderfully inscrutable and bloggy detail I could glean from it is that she doesn't actually do anything for the site, but still loves MySpace very much: "..it takes about 8 people to run this site for some reason and tho i do read the comments i dontrtend to write lengthy letters back personally although occasionally i wrote a friend or somneone i like or post at someones space b ut not too often, trhats just how these my spaces work- so dont go offended - i love this my space and i dont need this karma wierdness- get off my cloud." Everyone's always on my damn cloud, too, Courtney. [ohnotheydidn't] Full text fter the jump, plus the wonderful, classic video of Courtney Love harassing Kurt Loder and Madonna at the VMAs.

Being on stage at Wheel of Fortune, the world's most prestigious game show, is probably a lot of pressure. All your friends back home are watching, and your hero Pat Sajak is staring down at you expectantly. But sometimes, there's just no excuse for what happens. After the jump, what may be the three worst failures in the show's history [culled from a list at Pwn The Net]. Watch, weep, and umm... sympathize? Or not.