It is with a heavy heart that we bring you this tail of woe: most New Yorkers are giving wack names to their dogs.

"Did a 'Sea Monster' Wash Up on a South Carolina Coast?" asks KSEE News 24. Then they answer their question: "A South Carolina aquarium vet quickly dispelled this belief, identifying the freaky fish as a very large sturgeon." Bummer. [KSEE24]

Snooki planned on dropping in a glass ball in Times Square on New Year's Eve like a 'friggen hamster.' Unfortunately it looks like she's been banned from Times Square, the potential site of the MTV-backed stunt. Save your ball jokes.

Remember last week's big NASA announcement about a new kind of life—one built out of arsenic rather than the usual phosphorous? Yeah, about that: According to a number of scientists, the study was "fatally flawed."

Celebrities, including socialite Kim Kardashian, have quit Twitter until AIDS charity Keep a Child Alive raises a million dollars. A day later, they've got $105,484.03. It's a worthy cause, but this may not have been a winning gimmick, guys!

Did you know that it's legal to videotape police in action? Yes, it is. Although you may have a police officer threaten to take you to jail, where inmates will "rape you," as in this video. Fair warning.

Sales of Miley Cyrus' latest album "Can't Be Tamed" have been disappointing compared to her 2008 debut. Why? Her fan base of middle-school girls think she's acting too "grown-up" (read: slutty). And the fickle 12-year-olds have set us free.

Kids these days continue to disappoint us all. In my day, we had fake drugs like salvia, that really worked. Now, kids are trying to get "high" with "i-Dosers"—digital sounds, on computers. Oklahomans are worried.

Alex Balk tries to make the case: "the iPad is a lot like Barack Obama..."

Hipster-mocking blog Look at This Fucking Hipster got a book deal, but big problem: you try getting clearance from all those clowns to publish their photos. The sad reality: the LATFH book will be full of self-identified hipster posers!

We were disappointed yesterday when the cowardly Wall Street Journal failed to fire faux-trendspotting flack Mark Penn for using his newspaper column to troll for PR clients. But—hearteningly—both Penn and the paper appear increasingly pathetic!

Last Friday we showed you a blurry photo of an underwear-clad white man draped over the Wall Street Bull, dead to the world. Our first guess: Jesus himself (he's not young any more), serving as a powerful metaphor. But no:

Somebody put on a yoga festival—a yoga festival—in Lake Tahoe, and indie staples Spoon, Broken Social Scene, and Jenny Lewis played. So did MC Yogi, who asked the crowd: "How many of you think Ganesh is fresh?" Why?

About an hour ago a tip came in featuring the following subject line: "Jessica Alba Visits Yale Secret Society, Pictures Leaked!" Whoa! The "Wolf's Head Society?!" Oh hell yes! Let's take a look, shall we?

How can the world sustain its romantic pirate fantasies when the only real pirates are now getting their asses kicked not just by Navy SEALs (understandable), but by lesser nations and—god—cruise ships?

Wait a tick. The only reason to see Woody Allen's new gauzy romance Vicky Cristina Barcelona is the sexy-pex threesomes between coffee-voiced Javier Bardem and the lovely and supple grand dames of acting coy Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson, right? Well then don't plan on seeing the damn thing because there are no ménage à trois in the film. Or it's like "implied" or something. Which is total bullshit! We were lied to (sort of) and we won't stand for it!

I had been looking forward to Glow all week and arrived at the Pacific Palisades Park giddy with anticipation. Perhaps, though, I should have taken this overheard comment as a fair warning: "Omigod," said a girl as she passed me by Saturday night, "Nothing is glowing."

While we never expected Celebrity Circus to be a magical panacea that would cure us from the premature onset of the summer television doldrums, it's fair to say that we here at Defamer HQ were all more than a little bit pumped to watch last night's premiere. After all, as proud Gen Xers, we have fond, kitsch-filled memories of watching Lynda Carter dodge knives and William "The Greatest American Hero" Katt rock the shit out of the Giant Wheel Of Death. So when perfect '80s-storm plundering Ben Silverman announced plans earlier this year that NBC would be airing the show, we marked and calendars and began dusting off our bean bags and hot air popcorn poppers in preparation for what we thought was going to be an awesome night of television. But much to our dismay, our dreams were shattered when we found out that Celebrity Circus wasn't a one-time event where everyone comes together to celebrate the spirit of, well, circusness. Rather, we were hoodwinked into watching yet another entry in the tiresome reality "competition" genre, filled with yet another panel of judges with distracting accents and/or speech impediments. What a drag.

We're still holding out for the American Idol scandal motherload, but so far, we've had to settle for underwhelming pseudo-dirt regarding the wig-wearing, gay-stripping skeletons hiding inside some of the male contestants' closets. Even that Idol scandal mainstay—the racy photo—is a little bit of a letdown this season. Where last year brought us Antonella Barba peeing, this year, we get this rather humdrum shot of Ramiele Malubay grabbing a handful of sushi-slinging co-worker boob. Wake us up when it's revealed that puppy-eyed front runner David Archuleta is actually a 52-year-old woman with a song in her heart and a growth-deficiency in her DNA.

No sooner had we reserved some room in our increasingly spacious DVR boxes (now occupied by season passes for Meerkat Manor, C-Span 3's America's Most Smartest Lobbiest, and not much else) for Rosie O'Donnell's upcoming MSNBC talk show, it turns out network executives have pulled out of the project after O'Donnell blabbed about the deal on her blog and at a Miami book signing. A new poem at Rosie.com explains what happened: